Had a baby though surrogacy AMA

[Namechange974]

Our daughter joined our family through surrogacy. That is, a surrogate mother carried her and gave birth to her. She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother.

It was a domestic surrogacy in Britain and the Parental Order was approved by the judge some years ago. Our daughter has always been well adjusted and happy. She was not a restless or unresponsive newborn in any way.

I cannot have children of my own due to a health condition. I do however have another child from before the onset of the condition. I won't explain the condition because it is outing. My consultant wrote a letter stating it had become too hazardous for my health to carry a baby.

We met our daughter's surrogate mother, now a good friend, through a website set up for people experiencing secondary fertility. There was a lot of traffic on it at that time but it seems to have been replaced by Facebook now. We didn't advertise for a surrogate (that's illegal) but we did connect with our friend over a shared interest in surrogacy. She was actively looking into it because she had always wanted to be a surrogate mother and had decided the time was right. Treatment was through an IVF clinic.

Our friend says the experience gave her great joy and fulfilment. Our friendship has never wavered over many years. Our daughter knows her and likes her but doesn't have a huge amount of interest in the surrogacy journey itself. No one expects her to.

Expenses wise, we compensated the surrogate mother for an amount that was agreed by the court and suggested by her. We also paid for life insurance as this is good practice.

It's hard to get across just how grateful we are. Every day. For all these years now. I am still humbled and amazed that someone could be so kind. My daughter is a joy to us and lives her life so happily. It's deeply humbling that someone would have gone through the hardship of pregnancy and labour so she could be with us. I'm still speechless with gratitude, really.

If anyone wants to know more about my perspective or experience please ask.

[CrossStichQueen]

The surrogate in this case was not the mother. A donor egg was used. Read the thread properly if you must snark.

Nope she is the mother as she birthed the child as is UK law.

[EasilyAmused]

These replies are absolutely hilarious! 'Do you feel guilty about endangering a womans life?' I must have missed the the part where the OP said she'd held a gun to the surrogates head and forced her into it.

Some stoaters on here!!

[drpet49]

@klipwa

I am deeply uncomfortable with this. One woman went through medical procedures to harvest the egg, another went through pregnancy and birth.

Too much money changed hands for this to be anything but a wealthy couple paying vulnerable women for use of their bodies.

I agree, £15-20k “expenses” 🤔

[Bunny2607]

@CrossStichQueen

Using the word compensation does not change the fact that you rented another womans body and bought her baby.
The fact that you paid for life insurance shows that you knew the mother could lose her life but were selfish enough not to care.

But if the surrogate mother is willing to enter into it as she clearly was, then this isn’t the OP’s problem or any other families problem who are using surrogacy.

[ThickCutSteakChips]

@EasilyAmused

These replies are absolutely hilarious! 'Do you feel guilty about endangering a womans life?' I must have missed the the part where the OP said she'd held a gun to the surrogates head and forced her into it.

Some stoaters on here!!

What's so funny?

I asked how the OP would have emotionally dealt with things if the surrogate ended up with lifelong birth injuries as a result of having a baby that the OP had paid her to have? It's a valid question isn't it?

[KiraKiraHikaru]

@HotDogKetchup

I don’t know why it’s such a stretch to believe the surrogate might actually have been a willing and glad participant.

Because the “feminists” on mumsnet like to keep the oppression going so they have something to moan about.

[ThickCutSteakChips]

@Bunny2607

But if the surrogate mother is willing to enter into it as she clearly was, then this isn’t the OP’s problem or any other families problem who are using surrogacy.

Would you say the same about women who use Ukranian women as surrogates, which seemed to be increasingly common just before the war? Is it different? If so, why?

[CrossStichQueen]

But if the surrogate mother is willing to enter into it as she clearly was, then this isn’t the OP’s problem or any other families problem who are using surrogacy

It's supply and demand isn't it. Prostitutes would not sell their bodies if men did not demand it. Therefore if surrogacy was illegal as it is in many countries there would not be the demand so women would not be required to supply.
Do you think its ok for people to sell their kidney?

[newjobwhodisperhaps]

@HettyHensHideaway oh yes in that case there is a fair bit of research. Even just Googling 'Impact of separation at birth' will bring lots up. I do have books re attachment theory and separation but they're in the loft 😬 honestly though, there is a lot out there if you're looking to gain some data x

[TheNefariousOrange]

I have been looking into being a surrogate recently. It's something I'd genuinely like to do for someone.
A lot of kids in care have serious issues and a lot of adoptions do break down. I don't blame parents for rolling the dice with surrogacy with the hope of better outcomes.

[ThickCutSteakChips]

@KiraKiraHikaru

Because the “feminists” on mumsnet like to keep the oppression going so they have something to moan about.

'Willing and glad' does not exist in a vacuum. Once money comes into it the dynamics change and it becomes very difficult to understand exact motivations.

You have to ask yourself why wealthy men like Tom Daly, Mark Fehilly, Lance Bass, Ollie Locke etc don't ask one of the female, often welathy themselves, members of their circle to be a surrogate for them for free, and why they have to pay a stranger to do it for them. If its such a gift, why aren't wealthy women falling over themselves to do it for free?

[Simonjt]

@MRSAHILL

I adopted my son via my local council. I didn't pay any money for him. A previous poster said that you pay to adopt?

LA for us, there were costs involved.

[Flaunch]

What would you have done if the baby had been born with a serious disability?

[Namechange974]

Also, what would you have done if it transpired during the pregnancy that the foetus had a severe illness or disability? Was that all covered in some sort of contract?

Yes there is a contract. Our surrogate mother had the first call at every stage since this would have been taking place in her body. Part of the process around agreeing to proceed is making sure you feel the same about these issues. As an IP, you don't have control in the pregnancy (quite rightly) so it's important that you share similar views with the surrogate mother. Her health comes first, of course. There's also the possibility that it may be right for her to terminate for personal reasons. We had to accept that and he prepared.

In the UK, Cafcass investigate the circumstances, see the contract which isn't legally binding, look at bank transfers to check it matches the contract, make sure the surrogate isn't having second thoughts. You don't have parental responsibility until a parental order is granted. This seems likely to change soon and can be quite inconvenient for everyone as the surrogate mother has to consent to treatments for the first months. That child is appointed a guardian who visits the home etc and a parental order is granted, usually when the baby is less than a year old. At that stage a new short birth certificate is issued which has both IPs names on it. We do keep the older one because it is part of our daughter's story and belongs to her.

I never thought I was owed this by the universe or anyone else - it has been the most mind-blowing gift. That doesn't negate the ethical implications, it's just my perspective.

[Fadeout83]

@CrossStichQueen

The surrogate in this case was not the mother. A donor egg was used. Read the thread properly if you must snark.

Nope she is the mother as she birthed the child as is UK law.

If we’re going to argue strictly on law, then clearly the OP cannot be criticised for anything having followed the law to the letter.

The surrogate has no relation nor continued emotional connection to the child. The surrogate is not the mother in the sense of the word that 99% of those complaining on here probably care about.

The child has loving parents and is by all accounts well adjusted. The surrogate went through strict screening and is similarly well adjusted by all accounts. But sure let’s take a dump on someone’s happiness to argue on behalf of someone who doesn’t even feel
wronged. Like many things in life, it’s not black and white. Just because it can be a negative experience in some cases doesn’t mean it is in all.

[CrossStichQueen]

Those nasty feminists apposing the buying and selling of women and children tut!!

[TheClogLady]

How do the surrogate’s other children feel about their mother’s pregnancy with no resultant sibling? Did you fund counselling for them and are you willing to fund counselling for them should they require it in future?

I have read that many children experience this much like a bereavement, similar to losing a sibling via still birth.

[MaisWee]

@Cm078

I was just thinking the same. Many jobs potentially are putting lives at risk for others and getting paid for it. Police, fire service, pilots, bus drivers, army etc etc.

The surrogate wanted to and chose to do it off her own back knowing the risks. I don't understand the hatred towards that part. I've never really thought about it!

I’d just like to say I work as a pilot. I don’t particularly consider myself to be putting my life at risk when I go to work. I wouldn’t do it if I did. The chances of dying in a plane crash are about 1 in 10 million. The chances of dying in Western Europe in childbirth are about 1 in 10000, and if worldwide figures are used it’s about 1 in 500. I haven’t had to sell a child for my job yet either.

[Blinkonce]

What would you have done if the baby had a serious disability? Would you have wanted the baby? Would you have considered termination? Did you discuss this with the birth mother and did you agree on the decision?

[CrossStichQueen]

If we’re going to argue strictly on law, then clearly the OP cannot be criticised for anything having followed the law to the letter.

I never said the OP was doing anything illegal. The person stated the surrogate was not the child's mother I was pointing out they are even without a genetic connection as she birthed the child.

It amazes me how people will over look the fact that a child is being bought and sold and a womans body rented all because the adults who wanted it are happy.

[HotDogKetchup]

Curious OP do you have to bare the costs of cafcass and any other organisations involved?

[Fadeout83]

@CrossStichQueen

Those nasty feminists apposing the buying and selling of women and children tut!!

If I were a surrogate (and I came close), I would find you suggesting I was being coerced or pressured or anything except acting on my own will and in the context of my bodily autonomy highly offensive. And quite unfeminist.

[TheClogLady]

@Fadeout83

If I were a surrogate (and I came close), I would find you suggesting I was being coerced or pressured or anything except acting on my own will and in the context of my bodily autonomy highly offensive. And quite unfeminist.

But you aren’t a surrogate mother?

[Blinkonce]

Having seen a previous response regarding disability- if the baby had disabilities and the birth mother didn't want a termination would you have kept the baby? Was this written about in your contract?

[HotDogKetchup]

@CrossStichQueen

If we’re going to argue strictly on law, then clearly the OP cannot be criticised for anything having followed the law to the letter.

I never said the OP was doing anything illegal. The person stated the surrogate was not the child's mother I was pointing out they are even without a genetic connection as she birthed the child.

It amazes me how people will over look the fact that a child is being bought and sold and a womans body rented all because the adults who wanted it are happy.

Do you not consider consent
(given it’s literal meaning and not implying that it might be coerced) an important aspect?

I think consent is the biggest factor in determining whether or not a woman has suffered any abuse.