Had a baby though surrogacy AMA

[Namechange974]

Our daughter joined our family through surrogacy. That is, a surrogate mother carried her and gave birth to her. She is related to my husband but not to me and not to her surrogate mother.

It was a domestic surrogacy in Britain and the Parental Order was approved by the judge some years ago. Our daughter has always been well adjusted and happy. She was not a restless or unresponsive newborn in any way.

I cannot have children of my own due to a health condition. I do however have another child from before the onset of the condition. I won't explain the condition because it is outing. My consultant wrote a letter stating it had become too hazardous for my health to carry a baby.

We met our daughter's surrogate mother, now a good friend, through a website set up for people experiencing secondary fertility. There was a lot of traffic on it at that time but it seems to have been replaced by Facebook now. We didn't advertise for a surrogate (that's illegal) but we did connect with our friend over a shared interest in surrogacy. She was actively looking into it because she had always wanted to be a surrogate mother and had decided the time was right. Treatment was through an IVF clinic.

Our friend says the experience gave her great joy and fulfilment. Our friendship has never wavered over many years. Our daughter knows her and likes her but doesn't have a huge amount of interest in the surrogacy journey itself. No one expects her to.

Expenses wise, we compensated the surrogate mother for an amount that was agreed by the court and suggested by her. We also paid for life insurance as this is good practice.

It's hard to get across just how grateful we are. Every day. For all these years now. I am still humbled and amazed that someone could be so kind. My daughter is a joy to us and lives her life so happily. It's deeply humbling that someone would have gone through the hardship of pregnancy and labour so she could be with us. I'm still speechless with gratitude, really.

If anyone wants to know more about my perspective or experience please ask.

Do you all feel so strongly about women (or men) who work in dangerous or back-breaking occupations for money? They’re also basically being paid for use of their physical bodies

But do those jobs end in someone selling/buying a human?

I wasnt aware of this. Thanks

OP thank you for sharing your story and congratulations on completing your family.

I actually have a slight issue with sperm/egg donation in most cases. Those children will have umpteen half siblings that they don't know. A lot of children will be born to 'solo' mothers.

I was just thinking the same. Many jobs potentially are putting lives at risk for others and getting paid for it. Police, fire service, pilots, bus drivers, army etc etc.

The surrogate wanted to and chose to do it off her own back knowing the risks. I don't understand the hatred towards that part. I've never really thought about it!

Hi 👋🏼

Congratulations first off

secondly I’m very similar other than my surrogate was totally altruistic and approached me and Dd was conceived via the Turkey baster route

we too paid for life ins and paid actual expenses and are forever grateful

dd was a pretty calm baby too, knew my voice and is obvs her dads bio child. I think people forget that babies are constantly born into single parent families, mums sadly die etc

dd knows her birth mother, they see each other once or so a year when df visits her family near me but neither are massively interested

dd does have issues with anxiety … exactly like her dad, paternal cousins aunts uncles etc. They are a family on citalopram…
we are very close after she hated me as a meanager lol and she is adamant that she doesn’t have one single issue relative to surrogacy. In face she proudly tells new friends and colleagues about it

Because a baby is being bought and sold! No one ever seems to remember that fucking part of the issue!

We would have loved to adopt. It was our first choice. We have fostered challenging children before having a child of our own (when I had 'normal' health) and we've volunteered with children extensively. We inquired with several agencies and were discouraged on the basis of my health condition, which isn't life threatening, and because our older child was on the ASD spectrum. I'm not saying it can't be done but we reluctantly accepted that adoption was probably not our path. It was nothing to do with wanting a baby, I can honestly say that. I enjoy the later stages of childhood more.

I am deeply uncomfortable with this. One woman went through medical procedures to harvest the egg, another went through pregnancy and birth.

Too much money changed hands for this to be anything but a wealthy couple paying vulnerable women for use of their bodies.

2 women actually

Do you know the circumstances of the woman that sold her eggs to you?

@HettyHensHideaway I imagine the difference is that sperm donation doesn't cause a serious risk to the man, whereas surrogacy can result in serious physical harm to the mother. Also, there is a theory around attachment starting in the womb, and some adoptees also refer to a theory called 'The primal wound' that focuses on the harm caused to a child due to separation from the only other being it has known prior to birth.

I'm torn with surrogacy. I recognise not all situations are the same, and some will be handled with care/dignity and the utmost respect for the mother and child bond.

However, I do recognise that we are creating children with the sole purpose of removing them from their birth mother to meet the needs of an adult. As a social worker I find it hard to reconcile that at times, considering the lengths we go to to prevent just that in cases like adoption and fostering. It is widely recognised that if a child is safe/loved and able to remain with a birth parent, and specifically the birth mother, then that is best for the child due to the in womb attachment.

This, especially when they are thousands of children in the care system

@newjobwhodisperhaps

However, I do recognise that we are creating children with the sole purpose of removing them from their birth mother to meet the needs of an adult. As a social worker I find it hard to reconcile that at times.

Those are my thoughts too - can you add anything here - I.e any reading? I guess there’s limited data?

In Germany and France, surrogacy is seen as violating the dignity of women, using them as the means to someone else's end. Therefore, the practice is completely forbidden. The fact remains that surrogacy is the commissioning of a baby by affluent heterosexual or homosexual couples using a woman of usually lower economic standing as a baby incubator - a breeder. The surrogate mother - often callously called a "gestational carrier" - is required to submit to a three to four week drug regimen in order to prepare her womb for pregnancy. These drugs can make her very sick, possibly with long-term effects. In addition to the battery of prenatal tests she must undergo, there is also the risk of pregnancy complications - including ovarian torsion, ovarian cysts, chronic pelvic pain, premature menopause, loss of fertility, reproductive cancers, blood clots, kidney disease, stroke and, in some cases, death.
Women who become pregnant with eggs from another woman are at higher risk for pre-eclampsia and high blood pressure. The health risks are even worse for women who donate eggs, with the increased prevalence of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and ovarian cancer many years later. At birth, the baby is most often removed by caesarean section, with the birth mother frequently not given the chance to see her child. What is left is a woman with milk in her breasts but nothing in her arms. The attention that for nine months had been lavished on the woman - who is called a hero, an angel, a giver of life by the commissioning couple in an altruistic surrogacy arrangement - in the great majority of cases disappears very quickly. Once the job is done, and the baby handed over, the birth mother, in whose body remain cells of her child for decades, is left to her own devices. For all these reasons I am very much against surrogacy.

@QOD I get what point you're trying to make re single families/mums dying, but in reality most people recognise that in the majority of cases removing a child from a birth mother is a situation that is to be avoided at all costs. Bar any risks to safety, well-being or development.

Also, as children/adult children, we don't always tell our parents how we really feel so as not to hurt them. I have worked with many adoptees who wouldn't ever tell their adoptive parents the pain they feel at not understanding their early experiences and the sense of loss they have, as they feel it would be deeply disloyal and disrespectful to the people who raised and loved them.

@newjobwhodisperhaps thank you for a succinct answer, I haven’t heard of the attachment Primal Wound, I’ll have a research about it.

Sounds like it was a positive experience for all parties OP and I'm happy to hear that your daughter and your friend are doing well, don't really have any questions but just wanted you to know not everyone on here is against surrogacy and gives those who choose that path such a hard time.

How would you feel op if that woman who donated her eggs was struggling to fed her kids and felt no option to sell her eggs to get abit of money to survive there's woman out there that do just that.

How much guilt do you feel? Do you see yourself as someone who commoditises babies and other women’s wombs? Or are you just entitled and spoilt?

I adopted my son via my local council. I didn't pay any money for him. A previous poster said that you pay to adopt?

This is very interesting and clearly something you’re passionate about. If a surrogate mother puts herself forward, say in a case where it’s a sister doing it for her sister, would you still feel the same? Thanks

I hear you
i really do. And I get the points about adoption etc but literally approached by a friend offering to have my husbands baby for me, and me there from conception to birth … I never had to consider that route
I honestly don’t know if we would have adopted ? My social worked (dds guardian ad litem appointed by the courts when we applied for the Parental Order) told me she’d have recommended dh and I to adopt a newborn. But since when did England have newborns ?
i feel very very lucky.
was perhaps easier in my day as we didn’t even have mobile phones or the internet believe it or not until she was about 2

😂😂 surrogacy is nothing like organ selling, neither is it selfish! I would happily be a surrogate for someone i loved. MN is weird, strange pov that are very unusual in the real world. Im glad it went well op.