I'm a dog AMA

[TonytheDog]

Woof woof woof 🐕

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint

My dog has a question:

Woof, woof woof-woof, grr, woof!! Woof woof woo woof?

Hmm, interesting?!

Woooof!!!!

Woof, wooof wooof wooof! Woof! Woof wooof woof woof woof!!!

Would you rather catch a cat or a squirrel?

Why when you bring your ball back do you not let go of it??

@LaQuern

Do you eat your own sick?

eyes DDog disgustedly

Yes!! It's wasteful otherwise. We're only trying to help because then there's less clearing up for you.

Can you refrain from proper licking your penis, then licking my face? I had a partner who did that and it's still not ok.

Why do you sniff other dogs bums?

@ShoppingBasket

Do your humans smell?

My humans smell lovely. I prefer my mum's jumper the most, especially her smelly gardening one. I scrabble at it and make it all comfy to sleep on. I've no idea why she gets annoyed.

@PartyPrawnRingGames

Would you rather catch a cat or a squirrel?

That's a tough one. If I had to choose I'd probably say squirrel because I've never caught one, none of my friends have either. My mum won't let me chase cats or squirrels, not even rabbits! She's very mean sometimes and soo is my fun.

@Thelikelylass

Can you refrain from proper licking your penis, then licking my face? I had a partner who did that and it's still not ok.

Why though?

Good point. Suppose if I could do it, I would. You're forgiven.

@MrsMoastyToasty

Why do you sniff other dogs bums?

To say hello and to see where they've been. My friend Spud went to the beach yesterday but his mum pretended they hadn't. He definitely had though because I could smell it.

@Thelikelylass

Good point. Suppose if I could do it, I would. You're forgiven.

Woof woof.

Which sausages do you prefer? And can you talk to me dog to see which hes such a twat?

WHY DONT YOU LIVE LONGER!! Ffs doggos it’s your only failing.

Why do you let the kitten bully you?
Why can't you nudge her out of your bed gently?

Why do you jump up at strangers when they come into the house? Do you just like to make them squeal?

Why do you bark when I come back to the house. Barking when I leave is you telling me not to go I guess, but why the barking when I return?

Why do you insist that I take you for a walk on the route you want to go, not where I want to go? Pulling me in the direction you want to go works well but it is very annoying when I want to go to the beach but you want to go to the football field.

@runningfromtheoutlaws

Which sausages do you prefer? And can you talk to me dog to see which hes such a twat?

I prefer the really cheap ones, my mum buys them for me. She buys fancy ones for the humans and thinks it's a treat for me to have some but those herbs! They make me very windy!

You're dog probably isn't a twat. But tell him from me 'wooof woof, woof, wooooooof woof woof woof. WOOOF!! Wooof woof woof hmmmmm woof'

@FTEngineerM

WHY DONT YOU LIVE LONGER!! Ffs doggos it’s your only failing.

I'm sorry we don't live longer but it's because then our humans might die before us and we'd have no one to look after us. Also, our organs are all much smaller (I learnt than in junior dog school) so our life span is shorter. Birds for example have teeny tiny hearts and they live quite short lives compared to dogs but to them it's a life time - unless Terry (evil cat 3 doors down) gets them first. Terry is a fucking twat though.

@mumofEandE

Why do you let the kitten bully you? Why can't you nudge her out of your bed gently?

It's probably the same reason why I let the human DC's kitten boss me around. I love her sooo much ❤️.

@AdaColeman

Why do you jump up at strangers when they come into the house? Do you just like to make them squeal?

It's all the better if they do squeal. I jump at some strangers until my mum tells me to stop. We jump at them because we think we're protecting you. They've come into our safe space and we can feel threatened. Mostly I'll listen when my mum tells me to stop, apart from the man who comes to mend the boiler from British Gas. I bloody hate him. I don't think my mum likes him either because she mutters things like 'it's not the fucking water pressure you wanker it's your shit boiler' under her breath when she thinks he's not listening. She never offers him tea either.

Could you have a word with my neighbour's dog and ask it to shush a bit?

@nannynick

Why do you bark when I come back to the house. Barking when I leave is you telling me not to go I guess, but why the barking when I return?

Why do you insist that I take you for a walk on the route you want to go, not where I want to go? Pulling me in the direction you want to go works well but it is very annoying when I want to go to the beach but you want to go to the football field.

Well if your dog is like me, I bark when my mum leaves. Intermittently when she's gone and when she comes back. I'm saying 'hello!!!! Hellllo! Where'd you go? Why couldn't I come? It's not fair!'. Even though I actually quite like a bit of time to myself, she leaves the tv on and I watch Homes Under the Hammer on Tuesday and Friday.

@nannynick

Why do you bark when I come back to the house. Barking when I leave is you telling me not to go I guess, but why the barking when I return?

Why do you insist that I take you for a walk on the route you want to go, not where I want to go? Pulling me in the direction you want to go works well but it is very annoying when I want to go to the beach but you want to go to the football field.

Because we need to smell all our usual smells to see who's been where. I'm happy to go somewhere new but I have to smell every single smell. It seems to drive my mum mad but it's a bit like you reading a newspaper or staring at Mumsnet (why is there no Dogsnet? It's not very fair.

@youkiddingme

Could you have a word with my neighbour's dog and ask it to shush a bit?

I bet your neighbour's dog has got idiots for owners. It should be them that need words with. Just shout through the wall at the dog these woofs - you have to do it exactly how it's written though otherwise it won't translate correctly and you might end up saying something rude 😬.

*Wooof woooooooof woof woof.

Wuff. Wuff Wuff Wuff Wuff wufff Wuff WUFF WUUUFFFF WUFF Wuff.

Woofwoof wooooooooffffff woof woof woof.

Wuff.*