I'm a dog AMA

[TonytheDog]

Woof woof woof 🐕

I'm not a dog person. What do dogs think of people who are not dog people and, specifically, why do you pick our legs to hump when there are all those people who bloody love you and willingly offer you parts of their anatomy? Huh? What've you got to say for yourself?

Oh, and wooof. Wooof woof wuf howwwwl.
Two can play at that game matey.

Cheers tonythedog. That seems to have worked. Course I may have said something so rude the dog fainted.

Can you explain this thing called the “Zoomies”?

Who invented it? Why? And is it something you all agreed on in your dog contract to do?

Why do you like to eat shoes and socks?

Do you still hate cats?

@heldinadream

I'm not a dog person. What do dogs think of people who are not dog people and, specifically, why do you pick our legs to hump when there are all those people who bloody love you and willingly offer you parts of their anatomy? Huh? What've you got to say for yourself?

Oh, and wooof. Wooof woof wuf howwwwl.
Two can play at that game matey.

Because we know you don't like us. It amuses us to do it and then we tell all of our friends. We're not trying to mate with you by the way - we're not stupid.

Well, that was quite rude! Did you actually mean to say that??

@Spudlet

Can I ask you to ask my dog what on earth is making him woof so much at the moment? Is it his age (he’s a teenager)?

Also - rolling in fox shit and dead things. Why, just why?

Brilliant! Dogs very rarely faint but if we do we recover very quickly. That's because we're brilliant.

Sure did.

@MarshmallowSwede

Can you explain this thing called the “Zoomies”?

Who invented it? Why? And is it something you all agreed on in your dog contract to do?

Why do you like to eat shoes and socks?

Do you still hate cats?

We do zoomies when we're happy or have too much energy. It's like when my mum feels restless and either dances really badly in the kitchen^ 🙄^ (so embarrassing!) or randomly decides to start painting a wall that I'm sure she only painted last week. The best zoomies are when I've come in from a really muddy walk - bonus points if mum cleaned the house that day - and before she can get her wellies off I zoom like a mad, muddy whirlwind to try and get as much mud in as many places as possible. Making all the rugs messy and all rucked up gets double bonus points. Sometimes the kitten joins in. It's such a laugh.

@MarshmallowSwede

Can you explain this thing called the “Zoomies”?

Who invented it? Why? And is it something you all agreed on in your dog contract to do?

Why do you like to eat shoes and socks?

Do you still hate cats?

It was invented by Malcolm the V in the 15th century.

I ❤️ cats but I do steal socks, my mum thinks it's the tumble drier but it's actually me. I've got quite a collection now - they're in my secret pile behind the weird rose bush in the garden.

@heldinadream

Sure did.

I'm both impressed and shocked 😳

Why is fox poo such an alluring thing that you must throw yourself upon it and smear it all over your neck, you bloody weirdo?

@GCAcademic

Why is fox poo such an alluring thing that you must throw yourself upon it and smear it all over your neck, you bloody weirdo?

It's the same as humans putting perfume on. The smell also gives us kudos in the dog world.

I do have a question for you - one of our dogs is Greek, he understands when we say "dinner time" but when we say "no!" or "get down!" he doesn't understand. Should we learn Greek so we can communicate better?

@kennelmaid

I do have a question for you - one of our dogs is Greek, he understands when we say "dinner time" but when we say "no!" or "get down!" he doesn't understand. Should we learn Greek so we can communicate better?

Yes you need to learn Greek I'm afraid. Although you think he understands 'dinner time' it's because he's learnt it more easily because of the direct association with being fed. 'Get down' is much trickier so you either have to learn Greek or demonstrate to him. I'd suggest getting up onto the kitchen counter then telling yourself to 'get down' and then getting down.

Hi Tony. Woof! Can you tell me, in his head, how does my dog refer to us all, does he know our names? Am I mum, or my real name or is it likely he calls me the small busy lady? Are the dc his brothers and sisters or does he think of them as the one that likes computers, the noisy one and the little bossy girl one that likes to dress him up?

I have three dogs, they're ace but one thing confuses me.
Me and my husband feed them equally, walk them equally yet I'm the one the come to if they need to go out or need a human to do a job for them...

One of them is quite chatty and woofs and chuffs to tell me what he needs (I'm not fluent in dog but I can usually catch his drift)
Why would they choose only me, why doesn't DH get to share any of the chores? Also why do they all insist on lying on me and not him?

@TheVolturi

Hi Tony. Woof! Can you tell me, in his head, how does my dog refer to us all, does he know our names? Am I mum, or my real name or is it likely he calls me the small busy lady? Are the dc his brothers and sisters or does he think of them as the one that likes computers, the noisy one and the little bossy girl one that likes to dress him up?

Woof woof TheVolturi we make up our own names for you in dog language. My humans are called 'wooof woof' and 'woooowof' the smaller humans are 'woof' and 'w ruff'.

@meecrowahvay

I have three dogs, they're ace but one thing confuses me. Me and my husband feed them equally, walk them equally yet I'm the one the come to if they need to go out or need a human to do a job for them...

One of them is quite chatty and woofs and chuffs to tell me what he needs (I'm not fluent in dog but I can usually catch his drift)
Why would they choose only me, why doesn't DH get to share any of the chores? Also why do they all insist on lying on me and not him?

Don't tell your husband but it's because 👀 the dogs prefer you.

Thanks @TonytheDog! I have another question. Well, an anecdote with a question really. So my uncle is a bit nervous of dogs, which is no doubt why, on Christmas Day, Spudpup (who is a 7 month old lab, so not exactly tiny) goosed him with the speed, relentlessness and accuracy of an Exocet missile. He had bought my DS the MOST annoying noisy toy in all of existence and extra batteries for the fucker so this was natural justice BUT. My question is, if you dogs have such an amazing sense of smell, why on earth do you have to get that close to bottoms - both each other’s and those of any passing human who takes your fancy?

@TonytheDog well that thought crossed my mind however why are they working me, well, like a dog?
Surely the one they don't like quite as much should be doing the legwork?? I'm more than happy to be chief fuss provider, tummy tickler and praise giver...doesn't it work that way?
Also,

who's a good Tony? It's you, yes it is, you're a good boy, oh yes, a good boy* scratches behind ear*s and under collar

Is horse shit the tastiest thing you find on walks? Do you enjoy drinking very muddy water? Why do you shiver when you have a warm shower but jump in ponds, horse troughs & the sea in the winter?

@Spudlet

Thanks *@TonytheDog*! I have another question. Well, an anecdote with a question really. So my uncle is a bit nervous of dogs, which is no doubt why, on Christmas Day, Spudpup (who is a 7 month old lab, so not exactly tiny) goosed him with the speed, relentlessness and accuracy of an Exocet missile. He had bought my DS the MOST annoying noisy toy in all of existence and extra batteries for the fucker so this was natural justice BUT. My question is, if you dogs have such an amazing sense of smell, why on earth do you have to get that close to bottoms - both each other’s and those of any passing human who takes your fancy?

Your goosed your uncle because a) it would be really funny but mostly because b) we read bums like maps/newspapers. Your dog knew the fucker had bought the most annoying present in the world and was working out where he got it from. He was also doing it as a way of saying 'fuck you! Where's my bloody present??'.

@TonytheDog - what's your favourite biscuit?

[quote meecrowahvay]@TonytheDog well that thought crossed my mind however why are they working me, well, like a dog?
Surely the one they don't like quite as much should be doing the legwork?? I'm more than happy to be chief fuss provider, tummy tickler and praise giver...doesn't it work that way?
Also,

who's a good Tony? It's you, yes it is, you're a good boy, oh yes, a good boy* scratches behind ear*s and under collar[/quote]
Because they think you enjoy catering to their every whim. They think they are doing you the favour. We can also sometimes be arseholes though and to be honest, asking you for stuff is more likely to get a 'yes' than your husband. We're not stupid 🐕😂

Who let you out?

Who? Who? Who who?

[quote iklboo]@TonytheDog - what's your favourite biscuit?[/quote]
Digestive dipped in tea. Or, at a push shortbread but no tea because every bloody time she dips them in her tea they disintegrate and I get nothing!