My kids were taken away from me by SS for 5 years - AMA

[InABetterPlaceNow]

I might regret this! NC for obvious reasons.

Just thought it might be helpful for those worried, those going through it, etc.

@SwanShaped

Yeah that bit about the child was the worst. It’s just trauma upon trauma. I’ve read a bit about cults and the similarities with DV. The brainwashing tactics, which you describe so clearly. Can you recognise yourself from back then, or does it seem like a different person?

Completely and utterly a different person.

Brainwashing is exactly it. My mum actually exposed me to cults, and it's the same thing.

I didn't know who I was by the time I left. My brain was literally filtering thoughts through his expectation / how he might react / what I need to do to contain it. I'd lost myself completely. I didn't know how to think without his voice. He always acted like I was the best thing ever, that he couldn't live without me - and yet in very subtle ways made me feel like I was the worst mum, was always wrong, that I was fundamentally the problem.

I can't even explain exactly how. It happened over years, from an already low self esteem place (which he initially helped with). Hindsight shows me it was cold and calculated, but I saw the angry outbursts as me doing something wrong - but he knew just when to be angry and how much, and when to be calm and critical.

The only thing that helped me was absolute and total no contact. I think if I'd had to have any contact, he would have found a weakness to exploit, and I wouldn't have built myself back up again.

It was a very strange feeling when, 5 years later, I heard him via zoom on the court case. All those things that would have previously drawn me in, I could see them for what they were. And on the face of it he sounded like a devoted Dad. The judge even gave him praise for being capable and smart or something. I discarded it.

I'm just very lucky things turned out as they did. There are so many other ways it could have happened and my heart breaks for those living it. A quiet voice says my kids and I didn't need to lose 5 years if the system was different. I do think I could have done all the same things with the right support. I have to accept my own story though, and be grateful for what we now have.

@Siablue

Thank you for doing this thread. You are such a strong person. People who have never been in a DV relationship don’t understand how hard it is to leave.

The information about courses is really helpful. I am going to share some of them with the ladies in my support group (we have already done all of women’s aid courses).

Oh, you're very welcome! It's so great that you have a support group and that some of what I've shared has been helpful!

All my love to all of you, you are stronger than you know and I have absolute faith your best days are in front of you

Something I'm wary of posting, but I do think it's important. I obviously advocate for working with services 100%. However I was possibly too open which all my life experiences in the initial assessments. To me, it was important to be completely open and transparent. However it was absolutely used against me.

Had I not shared as much, they might not labelled me as too broken to heal enough to be a good mum. It feels really unfair as there plenty of brilliant mums out there, who haven't had LA involvement, who are successfully managing past trauma. I'm now one of them, thank god.

If I went through it again I'd be more guarded with sharing past experiences. I'd focus on the current issues as much as possible, potentially highlighting a few examples from the past to explain why my baseline was lowered (and covering anything that was public record).

This is such an inspirational thread. I'm not a mother, but I have read this from start to finish and the trauma that you and your family are overcoming is just..... Wow. The strength and determination you've shown is such a display of post-traumatic growth. What a wonderful model you're providing for your children after such difficult experiences.

You should definitely explore a website or blog; you are so articulate and have a wonderful writing style! Warm and reflective and funny and honest. I'd read your book or blog for sure!

I wish the best for your girls as they recover and reclaim their lives, and likewise to you OP. You really are an inspiration; remember that whenever things seem hard

May your family know all the fun, love and laughter in the world going forward!

@TrueRefuge

This is such an inspirational thread. I'm not a mother, but I have read this from start to finish and the trauma that you and your family are overcoming is just..... Wow. The strength and determination you've shown is such a display of post-traumatic growth. What a wonderful model you're providing for your children after such difficult experiences.

You should definitely explore a website or blog; you are so articulate and have a wonderful writing style! Warm and reflective and funny and honest. I'd read your book or blog for sure!

I wish the best for your girls as they recover and reclaim their lives, and likewise to you OP. You really are an inspiration; remember that whenever things seem hard

May your family know all the fun, love and laughter in the world going forward!

Thank you, so much! I can’t even say how much your post means to me.

I have no doubt things will work out for us all, we’ve all seen how dark life can be sadly, but with some true heroes behind us we are forging a new life.

Thank your for your kind words and encouragement. I want to give back, and help others so much. I’ll share here if I take steps towards that - always mindful of making sure our little family is ticking along before I give too much of myself to it. Watch this space.