My kids were taken away from me by SS for 5 years - AMA

[InABetterPlaceNow]

I might regret this! NC for obvious reasons.

Just thought it might be helpful for those worried, those going through it, etc.

@DishingOutDone

Do you think your success in getting the kids back is unusual? Do you think there are other mums who did all they could and still lost their family?

Honestly, sadly, yes.

I think when you are as entrenched in a domestic violence situation as I was, the LA coming in can feel very close to an abusive relationship. They hold all the power.

I'm also very lucky to be well educated, so I could research case law etc, seek out extra support, take onboard advice and really understand what was being said. That actually went against me at first because ofc someone like that couldn't possibly be a victim! (You can!).

So, I was both lucky with the social worker that has been there throughout a lot of it, and also (see above) with the other professional support networks I was able to get in place. Moving helped, as I didn't have people who referred to how I was before. I was able to build a new, much better life for me and my kids.

I do think there's lots that can be done to change the tables. And happy to give anyone some ideas they could try as I'm sure I tried everything!!

@LastGirlSanding

That’s really quite something. Congratulations on making it through such a tough time and coming out stronger, takes a lot of courage.

Thank you!!

@bloodywhitecat

I take my hat off to you, I foster and I have an understanding of how hard you must've worked and how hard you fought. I wish you and your children every happiness.

Thank you so much!

No questions. I just want to say well done op you have done amazing turning your life around for you and your children.

No questions but I love how you speak about your social worker.
I’m pleased for you op. Good luck for the future

Oh I thought of a question!
How do you feel your experience will affect future relationships between yourself and any potential partners?

@pommepommefrites

Was he just violent to you or was it to the children too? Why would they have been taken off you? Sorry if these are triggering questions. You sound inspirational and very strong.

He was violent to me (but "just a few of times in 13 years "). Much more in the way of sexual abuse (coercion mostly which I didn't recognise at the time and more serious the times I tried to leave), and absolutely and totally emotionally and mentally abusive (to us all). He made it clear if I left then he would make sure he had sole custody (oh the irony!) and I believed him.

SS was triggered when one of my kids had she had been punched in the leg by him (and confirmed by a medical examination). It breaks my heart to type that, and I swear to the bottom of my soul that I thought it was just me who would get that kind of treatment from him. Everyone thought he was a perfect Dad. Hindsight (after endless courses) means I should have got to a refuge long before, but I didn't have the tools at the time. I do now, and have to hold on to that.

Were there red flags that your exDP would abuse you before the children came along?

(I ask because there often seems to be hints that get ignored here on MN but looking back the behaviour waa always there).

And well done for turning your life around. It's actually very nice to read your experiences of SS too.

No questions but well done to you for getting through this and getting Your kids back

OP you sound so strong and have done so well.

I think social workers should study your case to see what really helped you and how they can emulate your amazing SW. You have such great insights that are so valuable.

Well done. Sometimes it seems there’s no hope

There is

Oh op you're a true hero for your kids. Well done, I can really feel your strength coming through your story.
I am a social worker in children's services, and my heart breaks for women going through this. My question is - how can I help the mothers i work with, to see the seriousness of the abuse? There is so much denial. One woman almost died recently and she shrugs it off as a silly mistake.

Op, I take my hat off to you. To do what you've done takes a special kind of woman. Not sure I could have coped with half of what you've been through. You should be really, really proud of yourself for being an actual superwoman. Here's a booby UMn hug for whenever you need it x

I once was assessed by social services as I self referred due to the risk to my dd from her father (mental health, he verbalised that he would harm her). Being assessed by them was by far the most terrifying experience, but not because they were awful but because I was so scared. The police were also involved and it the most awful time. Being told that my child would be removed if I allowed my ex to move back in (I had thrown him out) was frightening even though I had no plan whatsoever to do that!

My experience was short in comparison and I have nothing but awe for you and the journey you have made to be a survivor of abuse and a bloody hero to get your kids home. ❤️

Do you think SS are unpredictable in what they deem a threat?
My husband is abusive, I've been offered refuge etc. He had thrown my baby son..all reported and nothing came of.it. I am still with him.

@Biscuitandacuppa

I once was assessed by social services as I self referred due to the risk to my dd from her father (mental health, he verbalised that he would harm her). Being assessed by them was by far the most terrifying experience, but not because they were awful but because I was so scared. The police were also involved and it the most awful time. Being told that my child would be removed if I allowed my ex to move back in (I had thrown him out) was frightening even though I had no plan whatsoever to do that!

My experience was short in comparison and I have nothing but awe for you and the journey you have made to be a survivor of abuse and a bloody hero to get your kids home. ❤️

Is that why he had to move out because he threatened your child? My husband had thrown our baby and said he would throw him off a cliff. All reported and nothing was done.

You say you don't have much to do with the relatives who cared for them over those years. What about your kids? Do they have a good relationship with them? They presumably were their de facto parents during that period. Are you grateful to them? Were the children happy there,?

I can't quite imagine stepping in to look after a relatives children for so long, then having to hand them back and have little contact..

No questions OP, just a massive congratulations to you and I hope you all have a very safe and happy life.

I'm I social worker and have worked with teens in care for years. Wish they all had such a strong mum (and a great Soxial worker).

Firstly, love your story of strength and success. Well done! My sister in law fosters and one of her placements (siblings) went back to a parent 18 months after being removed, due to all the work that been done. It was so lovely and they are all doing really well many years later. Unfortunately doesn't happen that often, so always a really heartwarming story when it does.

My question, how was it for you and your children when they first came back? Did you have behaviour issues to deal with and did it take them a while to trust that they were back for good?

I just wanted to say well done. It’s amazing to read about how hard you fought for your children.
How did you manage to stay so resilient and focused for so many years?

@Theworldishard he didn’t have to move out, I threw him out. My dd was also a baby/toddler and he had a ‘psychotic break’ and was deemed to be a risk of harm to dd when he was assessed. They also stated that he should never have unsupervised access and it’s all written down in a report should he ever choose to go to court for access.
I chose to end the relationship on the basis of the risk to my dd but he was never physically violent towards either of us. The risk he posed was of a different nature.
I am shocked that SS did not act, are you planning to get out of the relationship?

@Theworldishard can you self refer again

5 years seems a long time to take to actually get them returned. I don't think that would happen these days by SS would it? Don't you resent the fact you didn't get them back quicker?

@Jouleigh

OP you must be so proud of yourself and you children to have got to this point.

The original situation was difficult but you made changes and then sustained them. That's really hard.

So many people don't manage to get to that point.

I work for Children's Services and have made a note of who helped you. Are they any places that did?

Did you manage to get legal aid for the DA or because the children were taken?
Sorry for all the questions but it would be great to be able to signpost others to support.

Good luck for the future, I'm sure you have had enough of SS but if the children need counselling or other support in the future they can help.

Also there are support services for your son who is nearly an adult as he was previously in care/under an SGO.

Thank you! I'm still working on being proud, as I now how I should have left a long time before. But everything considered it had to get to that point I think to allow me to make the changes and turn things around.

So those that really helped:

Woman's aid - both support worker and every course available
My solicitor (recommended by women's aid)
Surestart - I was the only parent there who didn't have their kids! But stuck with it and gained allies
FAB course (found online)
Counsellor for sexual abuse (search online, free services nationwide) - 6 months
Reading everything I could online
Protective Parenting course (through social services)
Incredible Years course (found online)

Ongoing support:

EAP through work - 6 sessions of F2F counselling
GP counselling - 3 months

And still reaching out where I can get help and advice!!

Yes, I got full legal aid for the initial case, and for the non mol due to being a victim of domestic abuse / harassment.

When it went back to court to discharge (this was early this year, so kids had actually been home for a year and a half - usually it would be closed after 6 months but was extended as my eldest has mental health issues due to her experiences and they were investigating ongoing contact with dad) I got legal aid as my income was under the threshold.

I actually reached out for a family support worker a few months ago due to my daughters mental health (which was a very strange experience ASKING for help), but we're doing OK right now with more mainstream support so they didn't feel they could add anything. I'm always welcome to re-refer and will do so if things get tough!

My youngest had play therapy through school which helped a lot, and I know where to go if we need more!

Eldest is classed as a care leaver so has been allocated a personal advisor - planning on getting as much as I can for her through that as every little bit helps!

Thank you for your words of support!