My kids were taken away from me by SS for 5 years - AMA

[InABetterPlaceNow]

I might regret this! NC for obvious reasons.

Just thought it might be helpful for those worried, those going through it, etc.

@boomoohoo

Oh op you're a true hero for your kids. Well done, I can really feel your strength coming through your story. I am a social worker in children's services, and my heart breaks for women going through this. My question is - how can I help the mothers i work with, to see the seriousness of the abuse? There is so much denial. One woman almost died recently and she shrugs it off as a silly mistake.

Thank you!

This is a really, really tricky one.

For me, having the kids removed was needed as it took away the biggest power play he had - that I'd lose them if I left.

There is SO much manipulation done by these men, and so tailored to the Mum, it's difficult to unpick.

I'd say encourage to every service you can. Woman's aid especially, and encourage to do the courses (Pattern Changing etc). They are done in groups so women start sharing experiences and that's really helpful. Don't think you can change it by yourself - unfortunately in your position, you're the one with the power to take their kids away which they desperately don't want, so they will minimise - and I don't even think intentionally, they will genuinely downplay it in their own mind because things can't possibly be that bad, right?

They need to have an army of support around them to drown out everything the abuser is saying. His voice is so loud in their head that it will take lots of people advocating to drown it out. But once it starts to get through, the hope is they will start to find their own feet and do what's needed - and will then learn they are worth more than what they have been putting up with and will find solid ground, and build onwards and upwards from there.

I think you've done remarkably well, InABetterPlaceNow, and wish you many years of happy family life.

@BlackIsQueen

Op, I take my hat off to you. To do what you've done takes a special kind of woman. Not sure I could have coped with half of what you've been through. You should be really, really proud of yourself for being an actual superwoman. Here's a booby UMn hug for whenever you need it x

Aww thank you so much!

I apologise for asking this, but what was the sexual coercion?

I’ve been told on here, and by women’s aid, that dtd to avoid the silent treatment is effectively coercion.I’m struggling to see that - I just see it as keeping the peace!

You have obviously been through an awful lot, and come out the other side a stronger person. You’re amazing!

What an amazing story OP - such resilience and positivity. Have you thought about following a career where the insights from your experiences would be valuable? You are obviously articulate and intelligent, and able to develop strong relationships with professionals.

@Biscuitandacuppa

I once was assessed by social services as I self referred due to the risk to my dd from her father (mental health, he verbalised that he would harm her). Being assessed by them was by far the most terrifying experience, but not because they were awful but because I was so scared. The police were also involved and it the most awful time. Being told that my child would be removed if I allowed my ex to move back in (I had thrown him out) was frightening even though I had no plan whatsoever to do that!

My experience was short in comparison and I have nothing but awe for you and the journey you have made to be a survivor of abuse and a bloody hero to get your kids home. ❤️

Thank you!

I'm sorry to hear you had a similar experience but so glad you are out of it for both you and your kids sake!

@Theworldishard

Thank you to those who replied to me. My work have referred me to social services, twice. I've been under a domestic abuse charity but feel there's little.help and feel as though people are trying to downplay it..so when it was reported that my baby son had been thrown, they asked 'well it could have just been a throw in the air' - almost as though they don't want there to be an issue. And apparently it's my word, there's no evidence. Not sure what else to do. I've opened up to so so many people, including mental health services (for.me). No one wants to know.

I'm so glad you posted and that you'd had some helpful replies so far!

I agree with starting your own through so people can support. I'm sorry you've been let down by services so far, that's so hard.

I'd say you know in your gut what's right and that he's a risk. Which means you need to leave, but you need a plan and some support to help you do that.

You're really brave for reaching out. Hold on to that, it might be a hard road but it will be so much better on the other side, promise.

@Sixeight

I apologise for asking this, but what was the sexual coercion?

I’ve been told on here, and by women’s aid, that dtd to avoid the silent treatment is effectively coercion.I’m struggling to see that - I just see it as keeping the peace!

You have obviously been through an awful lot, and come out the other side a stronger person. You’re amazing!

It's the same thing.

I've had 3 un supported reports to social services. The first one when the 2 ladies came round they lied, so did the school! After I officially complained they left it.. then we had it again..and again!! How do you cope with lies? I wrote to everyone.. but heard nothing back xx

Do your children have behaviour problems? Or other signs of trauma?

@saraclara

You say you don't have much to do with the relatives who cared for them over those years. What about your kids? Do they have a good relationship with them? They presumably were their de facto parents during that period. Are you grateful to them? Were the children happy there,?

I can't quite imagine stepping in to look after a relatives children for so long, then having to hand them back and have little contact..

We're still in contact! Very much so. I'm just not allowed to leave them unsupervised.

In short, when my eldest had a MH crisis and I asked them for support, one of them said some things to her that were very unhelpful and could be taken as emotional abuse. I (gently) confronted them - they are old school - but explained my position and how they can't take risks. There are also a number of things that have come out on how they treated them that played into my eldests MH condition and eating disorder.

I'm absolutely grateful for everything they did to us, and I think the concerns are valid but on the upper edge of the threshold. Unfortunately in my position I have to play to that line whereas many families don't think twice about that kind of thing.

Im very open with them about it, and they know how much I appreciate what they did. Our relationship is good now. We were there a few days ago after school for a catch up They also fully advocated for the kids to return, they wanted to properly retire and have a young un' raise my bunch rather than them!

@SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk

No questions OP, just a massive congratulations to you and I hope you all have a very safe and happy life.

I'm I social worker and have worked with teens in care for years. Wish they all had such a strong mum (and a great Soxial worker).

Thank you! And thank you for all the great work you do - you are key to turning families lives around!

@Sixeight

I apologise for asking this, but what was the sexual coercion?

I’ve been told on here, and by women’s aid, that dtd to avoid the silent treatment is effectively coercion.I’m struggling to see that - I just see it as keeping the peace!

You have obviously been through an awful lot, and come out the other side a stronger person. You’re amazing!

"the peace" should be there by default without you having to do anything to "keep" it. Whether that is deciding not to say xyz, deciding not to do xyz or deciding to do xyz. If you're not/doing it to "maintain peace" (aka avoid negative consequences) then you're being controlled.

As a social worker who has helped and supported many families through the years I want to say that you are amazing. You have been on a journey but you have fought for your children and for yourself and have come out the other side. What a courageous and strong person you are. I am so pleased your children are back where they should be and I am so glad you have had a good social worker to get you through this. All the best to you and your family.

P.s. Thank you for posting something positive about social work, doesn't often happen! xx

Sorry that possibly doesn't make sense to a confused person. Basically your "decisions" aren't really your decisions, if you're making them based on what the consequences from him would be.

@RagzReturnsRebooted

Firstly, love your story of strength and success. Well done! My sister in law fosters and one of her placements (siblings) went back to a parent 18 months after being removed, due to all the work that been done. It was so lovely and they are all doing really well many years later. Unfortunately doesn't happen that often, so always a really heartwarming story when it does.

My question, how was it for you and your children when they first came back? Did you have behaviour issues to deal with and did it take them a while to trust that they were back for good?

It's always good to hear when there's a successful reunification!

We did a really long - 1 year or so - phased reunification. Was almost anticlimactic!

It did, however, mean things were really tested and gave a really good case for court. And things weren't overwhelming on either side.

It's been really hard for me to set boundaries. My ex was the one to instil (bad) discipline, so I was always the more permissive parent. On top of that I felt I'd lost years and just wanted happy times.

It's taken a lot of reading, remembering incredible years, Mumsnet etc to be able to put the boundaries in for their own benefit! Still working on that daily honestly!

@WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy

I just wanted to say well done. It’s amazing to read about how hard you fought for your children. How did you manage to stay so resilient and focused for so many years?

Thank you!

Honestly, I don't think I had any other choice. My kids are my life. If I wasn't going to get them back (and for the first few years that seemed likely), I wanted to be able to face them and tell them all the things I'd done to try to get them back.

So I just kept trying, every way I could think of. Which eventually paid off!!

@Maybeoneday20 sorry! After my son (16) attacked me the social services were amazing! It's unfortunate that sometimes..in life people ( humans!) get it wrong..they also get it right xx

Well done OP takes an awful lot to change your stars.

Hi betterplace. I used to work in refuges. Since having my own kids, one thing I can’t get my head around is why women/you didn’t put your kids first. I find it really hard to reconcile and is one of the reasons I didn’t go back to that line of work after kids. Could you explain your thinking at the point of SS saying they would take your kids away and you still didn’t comply? And kept your kids at risk. Also, did you think about the impact of your situation on the kids. I genuinely mean this as a question behind your thought processes and I am not trying to be horrible.

And a sub question… how do you think you ended up in a position where you would lose your kids for a man? Was it childhood issues or something else?

@Oblomov21

5 years seems a long time to take to actually get them returned. I don't think that would happen these days by SS would it? Don't you resent the fact you didn't get them back quicker?

I think it helps that the Carers refused to go down the SGO route. I don't think they saw themselves as caring for the kids indefinitely and that helped my case.

At the 3 year mark, things turned a corner and I was having them far more often than would be usual. It helped prove a long term record of not being in another abusive relationship, doing what was needed re ex. By year 4 and def year 5 it was more a paperwork exercise to "transfer ownership"

There were delays along the road due to workloads etc, which I could be resentful of. However that's part of the system unfortunately. Ultimately it gave me the space to do what I needed to build a stable home for them and fully test it through, which made it easy peasy when they did come home - I was already doing school runs etc.

Things could have turned out very, very differently so ultimately I'm just very grateful even if the timeline could have been squished with the same outcome!

This is lovely, well done to you, it wasn’t the social worker.. it was you that got you where you are. Good social workers are worth their weight in gold, I may be biased 🤣 glad to hear of your positive experience x

@itsgettingwierd

The only question I can think of is "are you as proud of yourself as you should be for breaking that cycle of abuse?"

It's so easy to give up when you think you've lost everything or to fight too hard with consequences being the opposite of intentions.

I wish you and your children the best of luck for the future

Thank you!

Yes, I am. My heart breaks when I read of others going through similar circumstances because I'm so fully outside of it now, and was so fully in it before.

I can see how frustrated those who have never been through it are when giving advice. You just can't possibly know how it feels without going through it I think. You can have an idea, and learn the cycle etc. But not know deep down how the mind tricks work, the minimising, urggh.

I really don't want anyone to have to go through what I did. However those that have, and have got through the other side, have a lot that might help those who need to escape.

OP you are fantastic! Your kids know 100% that you have fought hard for them. I have the greatest respect for you as I'm sure your journey has been bloody tough to travel.