My kids were taken away from me by SS for 5 years - AMA

[InABetterPlaceNow]

I might regret this! NC for obvious reasons.

Just thought it might be helpful for those worried, those going through it, etc.

The only question I can think of is "are you as proud of yourself as you should be for breaking that cycle of abuse?"

It's so easy to give up when you think you've lost everything or to fight too hard with consequences being the opposite of intentions.

I wish you and your children the best of luck for the future

My children have been in fc for a number of years and I can’t echo your advice more . Pick your battles . Work with Social workers as much as you can and always be there for your kids. Mine are still under a care order but my dd is with a truly amazing foster family . I can’t thank them enough for what they do for her . They have welcomed me into their family aswell as my child and I adore them as much as she does .
My ds is in supported living but comes to stay and I see him most days .
As they get older it goes get easier and the bad days definitely don’t last forever . I feel like I’ve suddenly come from under a really bad cloud . I had to bite my tongue a lot and once I come to terms with it , got myself in the best place I could’ve for my kids , it made the journey a lot easier .
The dark days really don’t last forever and to anyone going through it right now , it really does get easier .

@Theworldishard

Do you think SS are unpredictable in what they deem a threat? My husband is abusive, I've been offered refuge etc. He had thrown my baby son..all reported and nothing came of.it. I am still with him.

That sounds very difficult and strange that they aren't involved if I'm honest I'm sure you need help to get out and I really advise you to call women's aid ASAP to get the right help.

OP I'm a social worker and I think you sound incredible.

I also think you sound incredible! What a journey you've been on and I'm so glad it's had a happy ending for you and your kids.

Thank you to those who replied to me.
My work have referred me to social services, twice. I've been under a domestic abuse charity but feel there's little.help and feel as though people are trying to downplay it..so when it was reported that my baby son had been thrown, they asked 'well it could have just been a throw in the air' - almost as though they don't want there to be an issue. And apparently it's my word, there's no evidence. Not sure what else to do. I've opened up to so so many people, including mental health services (for.me). No one wants to know.

OP, you sound amazing.

Thanks for giving us an insight in what may have become my life (I left an abusive relationship with my child).

Just a note to say I'm a bit behind on replying (to get kids sorted for bed and everything ready for school today! 😁). Thank you for all your kind words and I'll aim to come back on each reply.

@Theworldishard would you be open to starting your own thread on relationships? I can honestly say that the mumsnet threads I had (different username) back then helped me so much, gave me strength and support. There is a better safer life than the one you have now. You can change things ❤️

@insatiableme

No questions. I just want to say well done op you have done amazing turning your life around for you and your children.

Thank you!

@Seesawmummadaw

No questions but I love how you speak about your social worker. I’m pleased for you op. Good luck for the future

Thank you!

Well done OP. You should be so proud of yourself.

I've had SS involved, other than 1 week when my dc lived with a relative they were never removed but came close. (And I guess I could have refused to send them but that would trigger police and courts I think.)

I agree with you about working with SS. Even if you don't think you need to do it. Do it.

Well done for what you've achieved.

Is there anything friends, colleagues, or people who cared could have done to help you understand the threat and the seriousness earlier?

[quote Biscuitandacuppa]@Theworldishard would you be open to starting your own thread on relationships? I can honestly say that the mumsnet threads I had (different username) back then helped me so much, gave me strength and support. There is a better safer life than the one you have now. You can change things ❤️[/quote]
Thank you. I could try thst. You're so kind 💗

My amazing sister in law went through similar years ago InABetterPlaceNow. I won't say too much but her ex was/is a horrible, violent abuser (physical and sexual). We fostered her children between us as a family. I am so proud of her and I'm proud of you too. Be proud of yourself, please. You are amazing - don't ever forget that .

@Seesawmummadaw

Oh I thought of a question! How do you feel your experience will affect future relationships between yourself and any potential partners?

Yup, absolutely.

I've had one "potential relationship", and I did Claire's Law on him. Nothing came back, but I was hyper aware of red flags and broke things off.

I tried online dating, met one genuinely nice guy but a crisis happened with my eldest and I cut it off.

I do think at some point I'll get back in a relationship, but right now things are so busy as a single mum (and the related things that come from healing from our past) that unless it feels 100% right, it's not worth it.

I actually got some back handed comments from one SW that with my eldest MH it might be easier with a partner (juggling the younger ones) but she had to bear in mind I was single. That was a water off the back type thing. We got through it and she's doing much better (with just lil old me).

We're still finding our feet as a family unit I think. I'm not in any rush to partner up, and spent a long time to get to the position to be able to say that. But if the right guy came along, who knows!

@NOTANUM

Were there red flags that your exDP would abuse you before the children came along?

(I ask because there often seems to be hints that get ignored here on MN but looking back the behaviour waa always there).

The red flag was that he abused me.

Any man capable of that, is capable of doing it to the kids. They are wired to not see other people as humans I think, not in the same way "normal" people do.

I was neck deep in excuses and feeling I wasn't worth anything, which is why he did it to me - but he would see their value. I think he was probably more physically abusing them behind my back honestly and I minimised. It wasn't intentional, it's part of the abuse, my upbringing, so many things. He absolutely mentally and emotionally abused them but I didn't recognise it at the time as it's all I knew.

When I read posts on here I often can't reply as I know just how much intervention it would take to turn things around. I think many moons ago I posted myself and had all the usual LTB replies and I just couldn't see it. When I do reply it's to ask for the OP to seek out RL support from Woman's Aid.

I work at a place where I sometimes deal (usually indirectly) with people in your position.

I want to say firstly: Well done. To be able to acknowledge you are wrong and to deal with it and get the children back is very very difficult.

Have you offered to talk or write an article to help others who are similar positions? Just that sometimes I think that when people are in the position where they can't see the wood for the trees and are blaming SS because of the blind panic they are in, then someone who can say "I have been there, please listen" might be very helpful to some.

@NOTANUM

And well done for turning your life around. It's actually very nice to read your experiences of SS too.

Thank you!

It certainly wasn't all roses and rainbows! That's why I advocate for gaining as much support from all types of professionals. You get some who you just can't get on with, or who have a fixed outcome in their mind. It has to be a long term focus on what's best for your kids, and finding who can make that a reality I think.

I've just changed my username too. I also had a child taken off me by SS (a long time ago now) and like you I worked with the SS not against them and eventually got my child back

Since then have gone on to have 2 more children (neither were removed and DC1 was back with us). In fact when I was pregnant with DC3 I had no involvement anymore with SS and when we went to register them the office was within the childrens centre which was also where the SS worked. We bumped into her and she was gushing over DC3. Also we did bump into her at other times and would have a chat just like we knew each other another way.

My advice is the same to anyone going through this. Work with them and get good legal advice. It was free for us as it was through the family courts, not sure if that's still the same now.

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so glad it has a happy ending.

How do you feel in general about children being taken away from mums on account of their father/father-figure's abusiveness? I've always felt this can't be right, unless a mother really is aiding and abetting in the abuse. I would have thought it would be recognised by now that the battering effects of abuse can make a mother minimise the problem, not because she's 'choosing the partner over the children', and also I have known one mum who was scared to report abuse as she didn't know how she and her kids could live without the financial support of the father, and she knew she was at risk of being seen to defend him, although she wasn't. Or do you feel you needed the 'shock to the system' to get away from him?

@Frazzled2207

No questions but well done to you for getting through this and getting Your kids back

Thank you!

@ChequerBoard

OP you sound so strong and have done so well.

I think social workers should study your case to see what really helped you and how they can emulate your amazing SW. You have such great insights that are so valuable.

Thank you! The SW I gush over has since been promoted (as she should!) and I do think our case will filter through to other families. We've had similar feedback from other SW we've had since her promotion. I'd love to do more in this space, which this post was a small step towards!

@littlbrowndog

Well done. Sometimes it seems there’s no hope

There is

Absolutely.

I could have given up after the initial court hearing. I'm so glad I didn't.

It's not over until you decide it's over.

Very well done OP

Do you think there is anything that could have been done to prevent you getting to that stage? Anything someone could have done or said or any services that could have done something that made you realise sooner that you needed to leave your partner?