My kids were taken away from me by SS for 5 years - AMA

[InABetterPlaceNow]

I might regret this! NC for obvious reasons.

Just thought it might be helpful for those worried, those going through it, etc.

Do you worry that they would end up in the same position if they decide to have children?

I know sometimes people can break away from it but sometimes they end up in the same cycle/system.

@Theworldishard can you try and get away from him? My sisters ex did the same - threw their babu across the room and she phoned the police and managed to get away. I hope you manage too.

If you had to go to court, how did you find it? What could be done to improve it?

I wish you and your family every happiness for the future

You are so strong. So glad you were all reunited

Have SS protected you & your DC from your ex?

@Accidentgirlfriend

My children have been in fc for a number of years and I can’t echo your advice more . Pick your battles . Work with Social workers as much as you can and always be there for your kids. Mine are still under a care order but my dd is with a truly amazing foster family . I can’t thank them enough for what they do for her . They have welcomed me into their family aswell as my child and I adore them as much as she does . My ds is in supported living but comes to stay and I see him most days . As they get older it goes get easier and the bad days definitely don’t last forever . I feel like I’ve suddenly come from under a really bad cloud . I had to bite my tongue a lot and once I come to terms with it , got myself in the best place I could’ve for my kids , it made the journey a lot easier . The dark days really don’t last forever and to anyone going through it right now , it really does get easier .

While I'm so sorry we have a shared experience, I'm glad you posted and agree with my advice!

It absolutely does get easier as they get older. I'm very lucky on how things ended up (and appreciate that every day), but they are getting to an age where it would be very difficult for the services to have a big involvement. That's why my focus has always been to do as much as I could, so had had it not turned out this way, our relationship was strong enough to use their own feet when they could.

I think it really is a case of examining your life and seeing where things need to improve (not just for your kids, but ultimately for you too!) and building in that. I've had to bite my tongue too, but again ended up seeing those as easy wins as they were untruths. The authorities need to build a watertight story as the bar is so high, so I can forgive them for that.

I'm glad things are getting easier for you too! Sending all my thoughts and love to you.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

OP I'm a social worker and I think you sound incredible.

Thank you!

@lobsteroll

I also think you sound incredible! What a journey you've been on and I'm so glad it's had a happy ending for you and your kids.

Thank you so much! Me too! They are the most awesome kids ever and deserve it!

@Iflyaway

OP, you sound amazing.

Thanks for giving us an insight in what may have become my life (I left an abusive relationship with my child).

I'm so very glad you managed to break free before it got to that point. You should be so, so very proud of yourself!!

It really worries me to read this kind of thing - I'm glad for you OP, really glad, but it scares me to read you say you minimised it and then as a result had your children taken away.

I've had a therapist tell me I am minimising things, but it honestly always seems to just about stay the 'right' side of the border, and it makes it so difficult to see whether I am being unreasonable or whether this is not liveable with.

When I tell people who don't know him what he's done, they say LTB. But when I tell people who DO know him, they say how much of a good un he is, and I can see why they'd say that. They're as confused as I am.

But then, I tell myself, nobody's perfect, me included, and so I should just stop fretting and get on with it. It doesn't help the kids are so scared we will split up. If they were begging me to, that would make it much more clear cut.

But anyway, well done for fighting for your children and I am so glad you got them back. I hope all your wounds get mended faster than you dare hope.

@CiaoForNiao

Well done OP. You should be so proud of yourself.

I've had SS involved, other than 1 week when my dc lived with a relative they were never removed but came close. (And I guess I could have refused to send them but that would trigger police and courts I think.)

I agree with you about working with SS. Even if you don't think you need to do it. Do it.

Thank you!

Absolutely. It's a time you need to put pride (or justifications) to one side and look at what's actually happening. There wouldn't be an involvement if something wasn't seriously going wonky.

No one is perfect and there's always room for improvement! (Some more than others )

In short, when my eldest had a MH crisis and I asked them for support, one of them said some things to her that were very unhelpful and could be taken as emotional abuse. I (gently) confronted them - they are old school - but explained my position and how they can't take risks. There are also a number of things that have come out on how they treated them that played into my eldests MH condition and eating disorder.

I'm absolutely grateful for everything they did to us, and I think the concerns are valid but on the upper edge of the threshold. Unfortunately in my position I have to play to that line whereas many families don't think twice about that kind of thing.

Im very open with them about it, and they know how much I appreciate what they did. Our relationship is good now. We were there a few days ago after school for a catch up smile They also fully advocated for the kids to return, they wanted to properly retire and have a young un' raise my bunch rather than them!

Aw. That's great. I misunderstood your earlier post then.

And yes, joining the chorus telling you that you did a great job of pulling things back and being the parent your kids needed. It's lovely to hear such a great success story.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Well done for what you've achieved.

Is there anything friends, colleagues, or people who cared could have done to help you understand the threat and the seriousness earlier?

I don't think so. They tried, I think, with the information I gave them.

But for me, my ex gave a picture perfect life to the outside. I had people say "gosh you're so lucky to have such an adoring partner and dad!".

I was embarrassed to try to talk my truth because he made me feel like it was me causing all the trouble.

I've worked with my current company on a campaign for domestic violence awareness. I'm also working with them on a campaign for supporting kids with their mental health. I think, when you're in it, you need breadcrumbs to challenge your perspective.

My advice would be, if someone comes with you with a concern, "is this right?"... Ask gentle questions, validate, validate, validate. And refer to woman's aid, always. They were incredible for me, I hope services everywhere are as good.

@HemanOrSheRa

My amazing sister in law went through similar years ago InABetterPlaceNow. I won't say too much but her ex was/is a horrible, violent abuser (physical and sexual). We fostered her children between us as a family. I am so proud of her and I'm proud of you too. Be proud of yourself, please. You are amazing - don't ever forget that .

Thank you! And thank you so much for supporting a fellow woman going through the same! I'm sure she will never, ever forget your support

@MargaretThursday

I work at a place where I sometimes deal (usually indirectly) with people in your position.

I want to say firstly: Well done. To be able to acknowledge you are wrong and to deal with it and get the children back is very very difficult.

Have you offered to talk or write an article to help others who are similar positions? Just that sometimes I think that when people are in the position where they can't see the wood for the trees and are blaming SS because of the blind panic they are in, then someone who can say "I have been there, please listen" might be very helpful to some.

Thank you!

Yes, it's something I'd very much like to do. This thread was a step towards it - my family say I should write a book, hah!

I think as my kids grow, I'll aim to do more to give back. They are still too full on to devote too much time to it In the future I'd like to do some kind of blog / website / community to help those still struggling.

Welldone. You've worked really hard xx

@SecretName123456

I've just changed my username too. I also had a child taken off me by SS (a long time ago now) and like you I worked with the SS not against them and eventually got my child back

Since then have gone on to have 2 more children (neither were removed and DC1 was back with us). In fact when I was pregnant with DC3 I had no involvement anymore with SS and when we went to register them the office was within the childrens centre which was also where the SS worked. We bumped into her and she was gushing over DC3. Also we did bump into her at other times and would have a chat just like we knew each other another way.

My advice is the same to anyone going through this. Work with them and get good legal advice. It was free for us as it was through the family courts, not sure if that's still the same now.

Massive well done for your journey! I'm so glad you got to the point you are now (though sad to hear your shared experience).

There really can be a way through I think, but as you say the key to work with the services (as hard as that can be).

@Echobelly

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so glad it has a happy ending.

How do you feel in general about children being taken away from mums on account of their father/father-figure's abusiveness? I've always felt this can't be right, unless a mother really is aiding and abetting in the abuse. I would have thought it would be recognised by now that the battering effects of abuse can make a mother minimise the problem, not because she's 'choosing the partner over the children', and also I have known one mum who was scared to report abuse as she didn't know how she and her kids could live without the financial support of the father, and she knew she was at risk of being seen to defend him, although she wasn't. Or do you feel you needed the 'shock to the system' to get away from him?

I almost hate myself for saying this, because me before everything would have absolutely disagreed.

I think it's the right call.

I absolutely wasn't aiding or abetting. I thought I was doing everything I could to protect them. But the situation wasn't something I was able to protect them from.

My head was so entrenched with his thought processes that I couldn't see things rationally. I needed counselling and courses to see what healthy relationships were, because I'd never experienced them.

The situation you mentioned about finances is a very real one. It depends on if the services would believe the abuse was "bad enough" to allow her to take full custody while taking a drop finances. It feels like a real risk. And then the flip side as you say about failure to protect.

I was absolutely convinced that if I took my kids to a refuge, he would convince the services I was insane and I'd lose them. He made me think it wasn't as bad as I thought (it was).

It takes skilled, empathetic professionals to understand the position Mums (or Dads if appropriate) are in to try to guide them through.

Do you think you would have left him without social services intervention?

I think you've done brilliantly to get them back. There seems to be a common theme with social workers from what I've seen that they insist the woman leave the relationship but then won't involve themselves in ensuring the man has no access to the children.

Kick up the honests nest and then leave everyone to get stung and swan off to kick the next nest. I think many of them are deeply incompetent, clueless do-gooders but yours sounds great tbh.

I just wanted to say well done and thank you for sharing your experience and offering really practical advice. I hope you can recognise all you have achieved, not easy at all.xx

@MrsRobbieHart

Very well done OP

Do you think there is anything that could have been done to prevent you getting to that stage? Anything someone could have done or said or any services that could have done something that made you realise sooner that you needed to leave your partner?

We had had some services involvement before - I think they could have have have been firmer / been more clear on where we were headed - and given me an offer of some intensive support (separate from ex). Any precious involvement was more focused on him and almost left me out (compounding my thoughts he was the main care giver) as he'd become a stay at home dad while I worked full time.

@Plumtree391

I think you've done remarkably well, InABetterPlaceNow, and wish you many years of happy family life.

Thank you!!

You should be so proud of yourself.
Do you mind if I ask, you say you changed professions and are well educated, we’re you supported well or judged badly by colleagues?

@Sixeight

I apologise for asking this, but what was the sexual coercion?

I’ve been told on here, and by women’s aid, that dtd to avoid the silent treatment is effectively coercion.I’m struggling to see that - I just see it as keeping the peace!

You have obviously been through an awful lot, and come out the other side a stronger person. You’re amazing!

Thank you!

I think you've had replies further down which I haven't read, so I'll just give you my own perspective.

What would it mean if you didn't keep the peace? How do you feel after DTD to keep him OK?

Do you need a conversation on your mismatched drives / would he meet in the middle / would counselling help?

My ex made me feel awful that I wasn't pleasing him. He's an extreme example but he'd have outside affairs and blame me for not being "into it".

I think mismatches can happen, sometimes they are temporary (when little ones are little etc) - I'd (now) expect a partner to deal with that. Sometimes they are bigger and you just can't agree a middle ground and you need to agree to split. Sometimes the lack of drive is due to other things happening that mean the attraction is no longer there.

So coercion I think is when a partner guilts your into doing things. If you're doing it willingly, at no detriment to yourself, making compromises. Probably OK. But if it's to keep some kind of peace, not OK.

I feel like I've been a bit clumsy on my wording but I hope that's ok?

@pandora206

What an amazing story OP - such resilience and positivity. Have you thought about following a career where the insights from your experiences would be valuable? You are obviously articulate and intelligent, and able to develop strong relationships with professionals.

Thank you!

I would LOVE to!

Right now I've build a good career that keeps me and the kiddos going comfortably (ish!).

But ultimately, if that's the way life takes me, I would love to help other women not go through what I did.