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I don't want children... AMA

129 replies

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 12:08

Anticipating the most common one : yes I am aware this is a parenting website, I signed up to MN because over the last 10 years everything I googled - fashion/ consumer stuff had a thread about it on here!

OP posts:
ThickFast · 11/07/2020 18:25

How do you find friends talking about their kids? Insanely boring? Mildly interesting? Depends how long they go on?

AgeLikeWine · 11/07/2020 18:26

I’m childfree by choice, too OP.

How did your parents / PILs react when they realised you were serious about not having children? Mine were very disappointed, and found the idea difficult to understand or accept.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:27

@ThickFast

How do you find friends talking about their kids? Insanely boring? Mildly interesting? Depends how long they go on?

If it's a close friend and I know/ have a relationship with the kid then I'm very interested and love talking about them. I'm quite interested In child development and human beings generally.

If I was with a bunch of mums I didn't really know and that's all they talked about, I'd find it quite boring after a while though.
OP posts:
MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:30

@AgeLikeWine

I’m childfree by choice, too OP.

How did your parents / PILs react when they realised you were serious about not having children? Mine were very disappointed, and found the idea difficult to understand or accept.

I think PILs are quite disappointed as DP Is the eldest. But his 2 younger siblings have kids now for them to obsess over (they literally talk about nothing else) and they even moved where the grandkids live to be closer to them, so that's taken the heat off us a bit.

My mum would love it I think as she's very keen on other kids but she knows not to push it with me, she seems to accept it. My older brother seems to be the same so I feel a bit sad for her sometimes.
OP posts:
MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:32

@AgeLikeWine

I’m childfree by choice, too OP.

How did your parents / PILs react when they realised you were serious about not having children? Mine were very disappointed, and found the idea difficult to understand or accept.


Have they accepted the idea now?
Do they accept your reasons for not wanting kids ?
OP posts:
Ihaveshitneighbours · 11/07/2020 18:35

What are your plans if you find yourself unable to work?
Are you financially and housing secure? Do you have a strong support network?
There's less state support for the childless.

BillywilliamV · 11/07/2020 18:38

I wish you well, I'm sure you have your reasons but I am really not interested..

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:39

@BillywilliamV

I wish you well, I'm sure you have your reasons but I am really not interested..

Would you comment on an accountan AMA thread 'I'm not interested' or would you just scroll by ? Hmm
OP posts:
Chesneyhawkes1 · 11/07/2020 18:39

Me neither. I'm almost 42 and can't have them now anyway.

But from a young age I just knew it was something that wasn't for me.

The amount of times I've been told I'll change my mind is unreal.

startalovetrain · 11/07/2020 18:42

I'm with you OP. Married a year ago (today yay) been together 10 years. Constant questions about how the baby will be next.

I'm early 30s and if I could be sterilised I would - just zero interest.

I have a theory that it's to do with exposure to babies and children as you are in your formative years, I had zero and so don't have the patience or the 'urge' but other family members who've been surrounded by babies all had 3 kids by 25. Each to their own.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:44

@Ihaveshitneighbours

What are your plans if you find yourself unable to work?
Are you financially and housing secure? Do you have a strong support network?
There's less state support for the childless.

That's a good question. I would have said the opposite, that not being financially secure is a reason NOT to have kids.
But DP and I have a mortgage together, we both work. If the shit ever really hit the fan I'm sure our family would help out, I'd never be homeless.
OP posts:
AgeLikeWine · 11/07/2020 18:45

Have they accepted the idea now? Do they accept your reasons for not wanting kids ?

They didn’t have much choice about accepting it. I made it quite clear to them that I wasn’t going to change my mind, that I saw being childfree as an entirely positive choice, and I wasn’t going to apologise for or regret my decision.

Like you, my sibling provided a grandchild for them. I know they would have loved a houseful of them, but their views were not a relevant factor in my decision.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:48

Happy anniversary @startalovetrain 🥂🥂

OP posts:
SparkLee · 11/07/2020 18:48

I actually think this is really interesting! Have you ever had a pregnancy scare before? Hope that's not too personal to ask!

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:51

@SparkLee

I actually think this is really interesting! Have you ever had a pregnancy scare before? Hope that's not too personal to ask!

I've taken the morning after pill a couple of times over the years when I realised I missed a contraceptive pill and once when a condom broke but that's it!
OP posts:
Pelleas · 11/07/2020 18:51

As a fellow childfree-by-choice Mnetter, just coming on to say 'hi' to OP and the others on this thread. Smile

longtimecomin · 11/07/2020 18:53

I kinda wish I hadn't had mine.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 19:02

Oh no @longtimecomin I'm not sure if you're being serious but if so I'm sorry to hear that x

OP posts:
InFiveMins · 11/07/2020 19:06

I don't want children either OP Grin. Have never tried for them and never will - love being child free. Luckily my OH of many years feels the same. We are 30 and 33.

Never felt 'the urge' to have children. I love having my own free time not worrying about kids. I don't hate children - I love having days out with them and spoiling them, but I don't want to be a mother.

HOWEVER I totally respect those who love being parents - my sister in law has always known she would be a mother, for example. It just isn't for me. But I can see how much their children bring such joy to their lives. That's great - truly - but still not for me.

As for being lonely in old age - I work in a job where I see a lot of lonely older people with children who just don't bother with them. You really can't guarantee your children will look after you in old age.

ivfdreaming · 11/07/2020 19:33

What do you envisage old age will look like without children or grandchildren?

What do you consider the point of your life experiences if you have no one to tell it to or share it with?

Do you fear being forgotten?

What if you and your partner broke up or he passed away and you were left on your own?

What do you consider in your life replaces that of having children? Career? Holidays? Meals out?

What is it about having your own children do you not like?

Genuinely interested as as you can see from my username the desire for children has been a huge part of my life. And if I'm being brutally honest i have tended to "judge" people in the past who say they don't want children? In fact as someone who desperately wanted to be a mother I've been called "boring and unimaginative" for expressing that desire by childfree people

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 11/07/2020 19:40

What do you consider the point of your life experiences if you have no one to tell it to or share it with?

Do you imagine the OP shuffling about silently, speaking to no-one - not even her DH? There are a great many people to share experiences with, her DH being one of them.

ivfdreaming · 11/07/2020 19:48

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle

But what if he leaves her or isn't around in to her old age? That would scare me that in the end I'd be completely on my own and the stellar career and nice places I've travelled too are just fading memories in photographs no one would be interested in seeing because they don't know me or have a shared familial link?

Someone once told me no one ever had good employee on their headstone and it was a really upsetting thought when I thought my career was everything (until I wanted children and then found out it wasn't as easy as school sex education lessons would have us believe!)

gypsywater · 11/07/2020 19:49

I think if your DH dies, it would be better NOT to have kids so that they dont have to manage losing their dad, surely?

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 11/07/2020 19:52

ivfdreaming Friends, family members, work colleagues etc - there's a whole world out there of people to share life experiences with.

Having children because you want to share stories with someone, or be looked after in old age would be selfish, self involved and quite risky. But then again, I really doubt that many parents out there have children for those reasons (or those reasons alone).

ivfdreaming · 11/07/2020 20:05

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle

I don't want children to look after me in old age I guess it's a biological impulse to leave something behind? I don't know if I can articulate it? I know lots of old people whose families don't bother with them. I suppose part of me feels that having children would be my greatest and proudest accomplishment, that I have all this love, experience, time, money etc to give and I don't want to just spend it on myself (or my partner?)

I wasn't that fussed about having children until I had a miscarriage and then it became all consuming. I'm not alone either I know so many women who have bitterly regretted their life choices that has led them to being 40 something and childless and no longer through choice but because biologically they left it "too late"

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