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I don't want children... AMA

129 replies

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 12:08

Anticipating the most common one : yes I am aware this is a parenting website, I signed up to MN because over the last 10 years everything I googled - fashion/ consumer stuff had a thread about it on here!

OP posts:
ivfdreaming · 11/07/2020 20:05

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle

I don't want children to look after me in old age I guess it's a biological impulse to leave something behind? I don't know if I can articulate it? I know lots of old people whose families don't bother with them. I suppose part of me feels that having children would be my greatest and proudest accomplishment, that I have all this love, experience, time, money etc to give and I don't want to just spend it on myself (or my partner?)

I wasn't that fussed about having children until I had a miscarriage and then it became all consuming. I'm not alone either I know so many women who have bitterly regretted their life choices that has led them to being 40 something and childless and no longer through choice but because biologically they left it "too late"

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 11/07/2020 20:09

Absolutely, I would never assume that anyone wanted children because of care issues. Simply, that in response to the scenarios you posted neither should be a reason to have children. And both are not actually resolved by having children.

I'm really sorry for your loss and hope you are successful in your IVF journey.

ProudMarys · 11/07/2020 20:26

Personally I think you have to really want kids in the first place, people who have them because it's what society says or are pressured, is not a good reason to have them. It's hard enough to raise kids when you really want them, I think. Kids are the biggest responsiblity of anyone's life and really having them shouldn't be taken lightly. Think children are in a better position, for the most part, being raised by people whose life goals is to be a parent. A childless person can quite often still enjoy having a role in a child's life if they want to without have the massive responsibility of being a parent. I don't blame childless people (by choice) for not wanting the responsibility at all though.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 20:45

@ivfdreaming

What do you envisage old age will look like without children or grandchildren?

What do you consider the point of your life experiences if you have no one to tell it to or share it with?

Do you fear being forgotten?

What if you and your partner broke up or he passed away and you were left on your own?

What do you consider in your life replaces that of having children? Career? Holidays? Meals out?

What is it about having your own children do you not like?

Genuinely interested as as you can see from my username the desire for children has been a huge part of my life. And if I'm being brutally honest i have tended to "judge" people in the past who say they don't want children? In fact as someone who desperately wanted to be a mother I've been called "boring and unimaginative" for expressing that desire by childfree people

IVf dreaming I'll have to answer all of these points separately because I can't see them whilst typing a reply.

Nothing in my life 'replaces' having children because I've never had children. So your question doesn't quite make sense to me?

If you mean how do I fill my time - my life is very full. I work full time in a job I enjoy. I spend time with my partner. I exercise a lot and attend 2 different gyms which I love. I have lots of friends and different social groups (from my work/ gym/ old jobs/ past relationship). I've been doing up a new flat and we go on holiday once a year plus the odd festival and weekend break. We eat out and lie in at weekends if we fancy it.
OP posts:
ChasingRainbows19 · 11/07/2020 21:03

I actually had the comment from my hairdresser “who will look after you in old age?!”

Having children to look after you when you are old is certainly not the right reason to have children. Plenty of older people are neglected by their own anyway so it would not be guaranteed.
I have a large circle of family members and close friends plus partners side too. So I don’t see an issue tbh. I’m sure you probably think similarly OP

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 21:55

@ivfdreaming I also find the question about what's the point in having life experiences if
You don't have kids to tell a bit confusing. I have my life experiences for me, not so I can bore some kids with old photos Wink when I'm gone I'm gone and It won't matter to be who remembers me. I'll be dead. That's how I see it anyway.

It sounds a bit like you're consumed with wanting a child and I can't empathise but I can sympathise. I wish you all the best x

OP posts:
MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 22:00

@ivfdreaming if my partner passed away i expect I'd do what my mum did and have a great and full life. She's for a more active social life than me!

Lots of parents and child free people don't have kids look after them in their old age. Especially in our generation. May I ask if you come from a culture where children are imperative and generations tend to all live together?

OP posts:
Heyhih3 · 11/07/2020 22:06

@ProudMarys

Personally I think you have to really want kids in the first place, people who have them because it's what society says or are pressured, is not a good reason to have them. It's hard enough to raise kids when you really want them, I think. Kids are the biggest responsiblity of anyone's life and really having them shouldn't be taken lightly. Think children are in a better position, for the most part, being raised by people whose life goals is to be a parent. A childless person can quite often still enjoy having a role in a child's life if they want to without have the massive responsibility of being a parent. I don't blame childless people (by choice) for not wanting the responsibility at all though.

I don’t think this is true. Before coming a parent you don’t know what to expect. I think a lot of people “end up falling pregnant” and parenthood tends to come about that way... many people also say they felt different and was totally surprised that they changed their minds about not wanting a baby it depends on age because if your in your 20/30s you still can change your mind.

There’s no price on parenthood it’s bloody hard work yes but when I’m old I’d like to think it was all worth it mainly to have extended family and to not be alone. It’s heartbreaking when elderly have no family. Friends are all well and good but by the time you reach 70 where will your friends be then? Just giving you the other side of the coin too.
Watchagotcha · 11/07/2020 22:16

You We git a really hard time

dun1urkin · 11/07/2020 22:21

Friends are all well and good but by the time you reach 70 where will your friends be then?

My parents are in their mid-70s and have lots of friends, some are similar ages, some are younger, and some are older.

I am in my 40s and am friends with a 70 year old.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 22:35

@Heyhi3
What an absurd thing to say. My mother is 73 and has loads of different friends. She has her Monday night group, her keep fit girls, her old
Work friends, her sister in law, etc etc. She's got more friends than me.

OP posts:
AgeLikeWine · 11/07/2020 22:50

What do you envisage old age will look like without children or grandchildren?

Peaceful.

What do you consider the point of your life experiences if you have no one to tell it to or share it with?

The point is to enjoy the journey.

Do you fear being forgotten?

No.

What if you and your partner broke up or he passed away and you were left on your own?

I would meet someone else, or remain single.

What do you consider in your life replaces that of having children? Career? Holidays? Meals out?

This question makes no sense. There is no need to ‘replace’ children with anything because there is nothing missing. For me, being childfree is a completely positive choice.

What is it about having your own children do you not like?

How long have you got? Everything. All of it. There is not one single thing about pregnancy, childbirth or parenthood which appeals to me in any way. Quite the opposite, in fact. It all sounds like a total fucking nightmare.

Heyhih3 · 11/07/2020 23:05

[quote MrDarcysMa]@Heyhi3
What an absurd thing to say. My mother is 73 and has loads of different friends. She has her Monday night group, her keep fit girls, her old
Work friends, her sister in law, etc etc. She's got more friends than me. [/quote]
It’s not absurd..... I didn’t say all either! I was giving you BOTH sides. Walk round a care home you won’t see many with “friends”. But I’m glad that’s the case for you..

MrDarcysMa · 12/07/2020 00:03

@Heyhi3 you literally says where will your friends be when you're 70. Do you suppose all of ones friends suddenly drop dead on their 70th birthday? That's an absurd thought.

OP posts:
Holothane · 12/07/2020 00:30

If you don’t want them don’t have them and make sure contraceptive methods are foolproof, I said at 13 no kids and meant it, if I had antibiotics when on pill I’d tell ex your not coming near me till after next period, I’m not falling for a brat I don’t want, got sterile finally at 37..

Creamcar · 12/07/2020 01:00

My father has just died in a hospice. He wasn’t very in to his kids or grandkids, but we were the ones visiting him and we’ll be sorting out his funeral. Who will do that for you do you think? Genuine question.

ProudMarys · 12/07/2020 05:18

@Heyhih3 true kids will always come along with some people and there's a risk of not knowing how you be or what your child will be like. But still think people who really want to raise a human and not just have a baby or have unplanned pregnancy are better prepared mentally. Not to say unplanned doesn't work out great for some I absolutely adore my unplanned child but my planned child I found much easier emotionally and mentally because I was more prepared for it mentally. Of course everyone is different.

MrDarcysMa · 12/07/2020 09:48

@Creamcar

My father has just died in a hospice. He wasn’t very in to his kids or grandkids, but we were the ones visiting him and we’ll be sorting out his funeral. Who will do that for you do you think? Genuine question.


I can't say those thought bother me tbh. I'm very organised, I suppose I will pre plan and pay for my own funeral (my parents have done this and it worked very well for my dads) but the way I see it I'll be dead so I'm not that worried about it.

I'm very sorry for for loss @creamcar Daffodil
OP posts:
Caramel78 · 12/07/2020 10:01

I also don’t want kids. I’ve had other women look at me like I’m nuts when I’ve told them. Everyone I know who has kids seems completely exhausted and complain about a life of drudgery and huge expense. I love having the freedom to do whatever I want and spend the money I earn on fun things for myself. My sister thinks I’m selfish to not want kids but I think it’s far more selfish to have them for the sake of it when I’m not maternal.
I couldn’t care less who will arrange my funeral when I’m dying/dead. When I’m dead i couldn’t give a toss if I don’t have a funeral.
People make out that I will be completely alone in old age with no one to ever help me with anything. I have a DP, sister, 2 nieces, lots of cousins, friends, neighbours etc. I’m sure I won’t be sitting on my own in a care home for the whole of my retirement with absolutely no one who loves me.

Heyhih3 · 12/07/2020 10:11

[quote MrDarcysMa]@Heyhi3 you literally says where will your friends be when you're 70. Do you suppose all of ones friends suddenly drop dead on their 70th birthday? That's an absurd thought.
[/quote]
No I don’t. As you get older your health deteriorates and you won’t really have as many “friends”. I worked in a nursing home and tbh I barely saw some people’s family visiting let alone friends.

I was giving BOTH sides of the coin..... I have no problem with OP and others that don’t want kids..... it’s their business. You reap what you sow in life. I’m not here to convince you otherwise.

Pelleas · 12/07/2020 10:30

we’ll be sorting out his funeral. Who will do that for you do you think? Genuine question.

In my case, my answer is that I don't care. I've told my husband, parents and sister that should I predecease them, I don't want a funeral (I can't stop them if they want one but I don't want them to feel obliged to waste money on it). If I am last one standing of my family, I really don't give a toss about what happens after my dead body is discovered. Quite happy for the council to shove it in a clinical waste bag and incinerate it with the minimum of fuss.

TeaStory · 12/07/2020 10:44

@Heyhih3 I worked in a nursing home and tbh I barely saw some people’s family visiting let alone friends.

So by the sounds of it having children means you’re probably no less likely to be alone in old age than not, so I don’t understand why you are pushing the idea that OP needs to have kids to guard against old age loneliness.

Caramel78 · 12/07/2020 10:45

Also just because someone has kids doesn’t mean they will be close to them when they become adults. I have a couple of friends who barely ever speak to their parents and live the other side of the world to them.

Heyhih3 · 12/07/2020 11:43

[quote TeaStory]**@Heyhih3* I worked in a nursing home and tbh I barely saw some people’s family visiting let alone friends.*

So by the sounds of it having children means you’re probably no less likely to be alone in old age than not, so I don’t understand why you are pushing the idea that OP needs to have kids to guard against old age loneliness.[/quote]
I’m not pushing anything. I’m allowed to ask! FGS. There’s 2 sides to everything I don’t know why your getting on the defence about it. Why on earth would I be pushing somebody I don’t know to have a child! If you don’t want that’s totally fine. There’s disadvantages in life and advantages it’s like parents with an “only” child.

TeaStory · 12/07/2020 11:54

But WHY were you presenting the “other side” @Heyhih3 ? Do you really think OP hasn’t thought carefully about her own life?

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