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I don't want children... AMA

129 replies

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 12:08

Anticipating the most common one : yes I am aware this is a parenting website, I signed up to MN because over the last 10 years everything I googled - fashion/ consumer stuff had a thread about it on here!

OP posts:
MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 17:17

@Heyhih3

Hi OP. How old are you? What has made you come to to this decision? A few of my friends swore at school they didn’t want children 2 of them now have a child but they are adamant they won’t be having anymore.

And @rosey I never came to a decision as such in fact when I was younger I thought I would want kids. Even thought about baby names etc. Had an argument with an ex in my 20s who was adamant he didn't want kids and I didn't want to rule it out at that age.
But mid 20s/ early 30s came and went ... I expected to get some kind of longing .... mid and now late 30s and I've never got the urge. It just doesn't appeal to me or interest me at all for some reason.
OP posts:
thecognoscenti · 11/07/2020 17:18

Sorry people have been so rude to you, OP. I think there's a level of defensiveness. Hackles seem to rise whenever a woman is confident that she doesn't want children. You're meant to be a bit apologetic and ashamed because apparently despite all the logical drawbacks (less money, less time, less freedom) it's the best thing ever.

Someone has asked if you're worried about not having someone to look after you in old age. Many, many people who have children are lonely in old age: the kids have moved away, or are too busy, or have fallen out with you. It's a complete falsity to assume that kids = company and care.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 17:20

@GiveMyHeadPeaceffs

I didn't want children either but here I am at 47 with a 5 year old and I wouldn't change it for the world. But it is a bloody hard slog, if I hadn't have got pregnant, I doubt I would have felt like I was missing out.

That's interesting. So it wasn't a planned conception?
I assume if I was in that position I would terminate the pregnancy but who knows until you're in that position yourself. Thank you for your honesty x
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MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 17:21

@thecognoscenti

Sorry people have been so rude to you, OP. I think there's a level of defensiveness. Hackles seem to rise whenever a woman is confident that she doesn't want children. You're meant to be a bit apologetic and ashamed because apparently despite all the logical drawbacks (less money, less time, less freedom) it's the best thing ever.

Someone has asked if you're worried about not having someone to look after you in old age. Many, many people who have children are lonely in old age: the kids have moved away, or are too busy, or have fallen out with you. It's a complete falsity to assume that kids = company and care.

Thank you. Not sure why people would be rude about this, says more about them than me I suppose.
Agree with this - I don't live near my mum for example and I care about her but we're not super close- but she has a rich and full life, is very socially active. I hope to be like that when I'm her age.
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MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 17:25

How do I know I don't want kids...
Well I imagine most of you who are parents knew that you wanted to have kids.
So that feeling you definitely knew you had: I definitely know I've never had that. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
dun1urkin · 11/07/2020 17:25

I don’t want any children either. Over the last 20 years (I’m nearly 44 and have been with my DH almost 20 years) I can honestly count on one hand how many people have even passed comment on this, or asked me about it.
So many times I’ve seen people talk about the questions etc, and I have no idea why it doesn’t happen to me... Confused

thecognoscenti · 11/07/2020 17:27

I find the 'how do you know you don't want kids?' question so insulting! If you're heterosexual (for example) no one would say, 'how do you know you're not gay?' You just do!

ChasingRainbows19 · 11/07/2020 17:30

I don’t either. I stumbled here via a google search and never left. I have both non parent friends and parent friends. I have lots of nieces and nephews and god children. I also work with children. I just don’t have that burning desire to bring my own into the world.

Do you tire of the comments... oh you’ll change your mind as you get older. You don’t know what your missing....etc etc ??

Boohoohoohooho · 11/07/2020 17:36

Do you think you need to defend your decision? I don’t think you should BTW. I can completely understand why people don’t want kids. I do t think I would be defensive about it if it was me.
Two of my kids don’t want to have kids and I’ve told them that a perfectly good decision. Not that they were asking for my approval obviously.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 17:37

@ChasingRainbows19

I don’t either. I stumbled here via a google search and never left. I have both non parent friends and parent friends. I have lots of nieces and nephews and god children. I also work with children. I just don’t have that burning desire to bring my own into the world.

Do you tire of the comments... oh you’ll change your mind as you get older. You don’t know what your missing....etc etc ??

It's more the ' so WHEN are you going to have a baby' that annoys me. Assuming that I will/ do want it just because I'm a woman?

Also How do people Know I haven't been trying for 10 years ? E.g I have a friends who've entire savings on IVF without success and have many emotional scars from it. I know how much mindless questions like that are like a punch in the face for them.
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Boohoohoohooho · 11/07/2020 17:41

Imagine if you had a try before you buy option with having kids. I bet there would be more people who chose not to have them. 😂

Boohoohoohooho · 11/07/2020 17:45

It's more the ' so WHEN are you going to have a baby' that annoys me. Assuming that I will/ do want it just because I'm a woman?

I think I would be delighted if people asked me that because I’d take great pleasure in pointing out how rude and tactless they were being. I’d aim to ensure they wouldn’t ask anyone again.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 17:48

@Boohoohoohooho

Imagine if you had a try before you buy option with having kids. I bet there would be more people who chose not to have them. 😂

This is actually possibly what happened with me. I'm always been naturally quite good with babies and toddlers so I would often be called on to babysit and have friends kids over for sleepovers etc. Which I don't mind but it really cemented in my mind that I would not want to do it 24/7 Wink
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gypsywater · 11/07/2020 17:50

Boohoo is it that bad?!

midsomermurderess · 11/07/2020 17:51

What's to ask? Lots of women don't want to have children.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:00

@midsomermurderess

What's to ask? Lots of women don't want to have children.

Lots of people have asked questions you can scroll back to see what there is to ask. If you don't have any questions that's fine 🤷‍♀️
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Sandra2010 · 11/07/2020 18:01

I was adamant I didn't want kids when I was very young, I stopped playing with baby dolls when I was about 4, I wasn't interested in babies at all after that. I only knew I wanted kids when I met my husband. Even now, when people bring babies into work or whatever, I say I have a bit of a sniffle so I can get away without holding or fawning over them. I've known a couple of women who didn't want children, either because their career was the most important thing, or just they weren't maternal. I wouldn't dream of asking anyone about it, though, how awful would it be if someone had just had a miscarriage, for example, or failed IVF, and you're asking "but when are you going to have children"? No one has any right to question your reproductive status. Women are much more than incubators and mothers.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:03

@Boohoohoohooho

Do you think you need to defend your decision? I don’t think you should BTW. I can completely understand why people don’t want kids. I do t think I would be defensive about it if it was me.
Two of my kids don’t want to have kids and I’ve told them that a perfectly good decision. Not that they were asking for my approval obviously.

No I don't really... find it amusing more than anything. Although some people have tried to say I SHOULD as I'd be 'good at it' whatever that means 🤦🏼‍♀️regardless of whether I want them or not. I feel the need to argue that point sometimes.
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Lockdowners · 11/07/2020 18:11

Are you married/in a relationship just now?
When friends with kids tell you about their lives do you think that it sounds terrible?

I have a friend who told me how awful life with a newborn was going to be and still scoffs at my life with a toddler and how awful it must be (I don’t moan to her ever) but I’m pretty sure that it is because she is sad about not having a child herself. Imagine if I started on about how terrible life must be for her because she is single and late 30s. I know there are some people (like you by the sounds of it!) who really don’t want them but I’m not convinced she is one of them or I would have called her out on her behaviour.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:15

I'm in a long term relationship. Your friend sounds like a dick- was she saying this whilst you were pregnant? I'd never dream of that and have always been supportive of my friends who are having children x

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MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:17

@Lockdowners

Are you married/in a relationship just now?
When friends with kids tell you about their lives do you think that it sounds terrible?

I have a friend who told me how awful life with a newborn was going to be and still scoffs at my life with a toddler and how awful it must be (I don’t moan to her ever) but I’m pretty sure that it is because she is sad about not having a child herself. Imagine if I started on about how terrible life must be for her because she is single and late 30s. I know there are some people (like you by the sounds of it!) who really don’t want them but I’m not convinced she is one of them or I would have called her out on her behaviour.

And yes I think a lot of it sounds bad- lack of sleep/ time constraints/ horrible pregnancy and childbirth experiences. Which I imagine obviously pale into significance if you love your child of course. But I'd be lying if I said it sounded appealing Confused
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MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:17

@Lockdowners

Are you married/in a relationship just now?
When friends with kids tell you about their lives do you think that it sounds terrible?

I have a friend who told me how awful life with a newborn was going to be and still scoffs at my life with a toddler and how awful it must be (I don’t moan to her ever) but I’m pretty sure that it is because she is sad about not having a child herself. Imagine if I started on about how terrible life must be for her because she is single and late 30s. I know there are some people (like you by the sounds of it!) who really don’t want them but I’m not convinced she is one of them or I would have called her out on her behaviour.

And yes I think a lot of it sounds bad- lack of sleep/ time constraints/ horrible pregnancy and childbirth experiences. Which I imagine obviously pale into significance if you love your child of course. But I'd be lying if I said it sounded appealing Confused
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VettiyaIruken · 11/07/2020 18:19

How do you deal with people who don't respect your right to decide that having children isn't the right choice for you?

Do you ever find yourself actually trying to justify your decision and if so, why?

TeaStory · 11/07/2020 18:21

I find people quickly stop saying “you might change your mind!” if you reply “so might you”.

MrDarcysMa · 11/07/2020 18:25

@VettiyaIruken

How do you deal with people who don't respect your right to decide that having children isn't the right choice for you?

Do you ever find yourself actually trying to justify your decision and if so, why?

I usually ask why they think it's a good idea to bring a child into the world when it's unwanted..... who would benefit from that etc etc
OP posts:
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