I'm a SAHM AMA

[MotherPiglet]

Go!

When I left work, people asked why and I told them straight 'because at the moment we can afford for me to stay at home and spend time with my son and not have to pay someone else to help bring him up so if you could afford to be with your child and wanted to why wouldn't you..' not one person gave me an answer.

That’s a really rude thing for you to say to your work colleagues. They may not have given you an answer but that’s because they were too polite, not because they didn’t have an answer to your ‘clever’ question

I am constantly amazed by the number of people who genuinely don’t know why all people wouldn’t make the same choices as them. Being a SAHM would be a complete nightmare for me, but I have the mental capacity to understand that different people want different things and I would never in a million years say to someone leaving work to be a SAHM ‘if you had the ability to maintain a career, an identity outside of the home, financial independence etc and achieve a great balance between career and family, why wouldn’t you?’ Because I’m not incredibly rude or judgemental and I don’t consider my choices superior to anyone else’s!

And to echo PP, the three days we put our children into nursery isn’t in any way paying anyone else to bring them up. If that’s the case I’ve got myself a bargain! It’s one of the many experiences that we as parents have chosen to give them as we, you know, bring them up.

'Pay someone else to bring him up'

Oh dear. Is that how you equate childcare.

That sounds like a gem my DM used to say.

Financially I’ve never needed to work but chose to go back to work when DT’s were six months as I had a career I enjoyed and a DH who was happy to do his share of nursery drop offs, shopping for shoe shoes, dental appointments etc

You'd be surprised how MILs change after divorce. Also the assumption that the ex husband will want what's best for the children.

I'd love to have been a stay at home mum and am quite envious truth be told but honestly now I'm older and have seen and heard of so many women ending up in financial difficulties I'm glad I wasn't able to be.

Maybe I’m jaded, but I used to work for a financial adviser and saw first-hand the consequences of women who’d been out of the workforce for years and were suddenly faced with divorce or husband’s death.

Where I work now, there are several women in my department who are near or at retirement age. One is late fifties, the rest sixties and seventies. About three-fourths of them are divorced, widowed, or living with a disabled husband who is unable to work.

This means that around 25% of them have a living, breathing husband at home able to work and of THOSE, two of the husbands have chronic health problems.

All of these women are lucky, though. They have a good job with benefits and a retirement plan. Can you imagine what would happen if they decided years ago to never work again? They’d all be fucked right about now.

My husband and I are early fifties. In the last five years, he’s had some medical issues. A few months ago he had skin cancer removed.

Seeing what I see, I’m so glad I always kept myself in the workforce. When the kids are little, it’s easy to live solely for the here and now and not worry too much about the future, which is always far, far away. Until it isn’t.

I heard a saying once that I like: “People don’t plan to fail; they fail to plan.”

I'm a SAHM, two boys 10 and 12. I stopped working to have a family, intending to go back when they were both at primary school, but in the meantime my husband took early retirement and we were enjoying spending more time together (he had been doing freelance work abroad and all over the country) and both my parents got ill and needed lots of help and still do, daily. Finances have always been ok - I sold my house, no mortgage, and paid off my husband's mortgage, and we have investments and rental income so we're ok money wise, but I would like to go back to work a couple of days a week when things quieten down (private teaching). It's nice to be around when they come home from school and not have to feel torn, and I never take that opportunity for granted.

When I left work, people asked why and I told them straight 'because at the moment we can afford for me to stay at home and spend time with my son and not have to pay someone else to help bring him up so if you could afford to be with your child and wanted to why wouldn't you..' not one person gave me an answer.

^^
As a sahm, I find that to be extremely ignorant. I would never dream of saying that anybody. You've no idea why they're making the choices they are. Some people can't afford to stay at home sadly, and you making that assesment could be very upsetting for them. You're degrading their parenting, by telling them that somebody else is raising their children. Not true. Horrible thing to say to anybody.

I agree with Pebblexox

I’m a SAHM and your question to your friend was insensitive. If it’s true that she has no choice but to work then you rubbing it in and undermining her parenting that was is hurtful.

If she does have a choice and she chose to work, then she has her reasons which you’re not clued you on.

I made a choice to be SAHM. I weight up the choice against the choice to work every so often because none of the 2 choices are easy. But I’m making a BIG decision and accepting compromises based on what works for my family and my family alone. Everyone’s family dynamics and situations are different..

Not everyone offloads their children to their nurseries just like how schools don’t bring up your child when you put them there.. you’re still the parent.

Some people do, these are neglectful parents.

So many SAHM are neglectful parents too.. they let the TV bring up their child because they’re not interested in doing the hard work of taking their child to meet others and playing with them and engaging them in beneficial activities.

And some SAHM do it as a job with a conscious.

So the place where the childcare is happening isn’t the issue.. it’s what the parent is doing.

Handing over Physical childcare responsibilities to someone else doesn’t mean you stopped parenting.

Parenting is a lot more than that. It also includes providing an adequate family environment and sense of direction and security. Which often also means that both parents need to work.

And in other families, it might mean, that one parent might be better off not working.

The sneering from any of the camps unto the other is ignorant.

I was working, I was sneered at and found it so hard and judged and faced a huge guilt dilemma. It was by a SAHM who is neglectful and lazy yet at the time I was a new mum and took her judgement onboard. She is now encouraging her daughter to get the top degree and work.

I then transitioned into a SAHM, irs what better for my family. But will review this decision once my youngest is 2. And I also received a lot of sneering and pressure.. and guess what?? That same SAHM with all her wisdom talks down at me.

And a lot of working mums look at me like I lack intellectual capacity.

The judgement is always there. I understand your need to be defensive. But undermining someone else’s choice is ignorant.

It just shows that you don’t necessarily understand society, and how diverse people’s circumstances are. And it makes people question your own decision in being a SAHM, because it sounds uncalculated.

For it to be calculated, you need to be actuallt aware of all the odds women face.

Your friend was silent because she was concerned for u.

BE a SAHM. But don’t do it without weighing up your options properly. Especially if it’s a long term decision.

Excellent post @1ForAllnAllFor1

Especially this:

It just shows that you don’t necessarily understand society, and how diverse people’s circumstances are. And it makes people question your own decision in being a SAHM, because it sounds uncalculated.

With bells on. I completely respect anyone’s decision to be a stay at home parent IF it’s properly thought out. Anyone who just says ‘well why wouldn’t you?’ is showing that they have no concept of the decision they have made.

I’m still wondering what your identity will be when the hands on parenting stops? Are you then just some one who doesn’t work . I have no opinion either way SAHP/WOH but when I stop “parenting I’ll still have an identity from my work role then I’ll be retired.
I am beginning to think OP that you are coming across as slightly smug, but maybe your just young

@Rainycloudyday I was talking to my friend about this and it's what she said. After discussion it came out that she only works to make money and her husband only works to make money. Their thinking was if you had enough money and could afford it, why would you work? And actually you have a baby and miss them like crazy and can do everything with them.

So I think for a number of people, it's actually the value of work. Is work for money or something else? For lots of people these days it's also identity.

When I went back to full time work after having DT’s I classed myself as a parent who worked. DT’s are now 21 and the title is the same. I’ll always be 100% their parent, whether they were in nursery, school, Uni or now starting their own careers and until retirement I’ll be a worker. It’s two full time roles.

I’m still wondering what your identity will be when the hands on parenting stops? Are you then just some one who doesn’t work . I have no opinion either way SAHP/WOH but when I stop “parenting I’ll still have an identity from my work role then I’ll be retired.

Aren't you so much more than a job or a parent? I know I am.
Those things might make a part of a persons identity but surely don't define them.
What will you be when you are retired?
A former [job title]?
A person with adult children?
Someone who gets a pension?
Or Giggly, a person with interests and opinions, who has had life experiences and just happens to have have had a particular job and has a family.
I know which I'd rather be.

@notso

I’m still wondering what your identity will be when the hands on parenting stops? Are you then just some one who doesn’t work . I have no opinion either way SAHP/WOH but when I stop “parenting I’ll still have an identity from my work role then I’ll be retired.

Aren't you so much more than a job or a parent? I know I am.
Those things might make a part of a persons identity but surely don't define them.
What will you be when you are retired?
A former [job title]?
A person with adult children?
Someone who gets a pension?
Or Giggly, a person with interests and opinions, who has had life experiences and just happens to have have had a particular job and has a family.
I know which I'd rather be.

Surely, if someone has been a SAHM they would be everything in your last sentence without the job part? I am Louise; I have interests, hobbies, opinions, life experiences and have a family? Why do they loose everything else by being a mother who chooses not to work?

@notso so I agree with you! I think we are all so much more than a job role or a parent

I’m still wondering what your identity will be when the hands on parenting stops?
^^
My identify will still be as it is now. A wife, a parent, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a grandchild.
Before having my dd my identity wasn't my job, and now I've had her my identity isn't dd's mother.

I have a life outside of my child, much the same as I had a life outside of my work. This is a silly argument when weighing up sahm or working parent.

I would rather be screwed financially and at least have the rest of my life with the happy memories of being with my children every day.

I only have one child and I have never been a maternal sort, but I wouldn't have become a mum not to at least spend the first few years at home with him. That time is short and to me I would have been gutted if I didn't get this time with him. More gutted than being divorced and skint!

I do plan on going back to work at some point though as I don't think I will have more children. Probaby when he starts school.

@returnofSaturn - it's comments like yours that cause people to become defensive.
Are you saying mum's that have to work shouldn't have had kids?
Are mum's that choose to work worse?

You may be able to step out of a job for a few years but that's not the case with a career ( generalising here ). I took a year off with both my children. I'm a specialist nurse and if I took more time out I'd need to complete return to practice hours and training. I'd likely have to take a position a step or two back down the ladder too.

We are all in different situations but we should be aware of how we phrase things.

@ReturnofSaturn - I knew when I got pregnant that I wouldn’t be a SAHM. Doesn’t mean that they were less wanted or less loved than if I had stayed at home.

@1ForAllnAllFor1
Great post.

Everybody just needs to do what's best for them and their families. Don't worry about what the Jones' or your friends are doing, as that should not affect you.

I agree that the OP is just young and naive. Saying that they want to be a SAHP forever and never work outside the home is naive.

I volunteered my time at my DC's primary school for a while, just before I decided to look for work again. That is contributing to society (and other people's kids!). There are many ways to contribute to society without getting paid for it.

A poster said something upthread about people do not plan to fail, they fail to plan. They hit the nail on the head.

My eldest DD finished uni 2yrs ago and is working. They started working in their teens. I am positive role model for her, as she has told me so. Our younger DD & DS also see and have access to life choices because of what we as parents provide and expose them to as a team.

We have a very comfortable life (and hopefully will continue to do so - Covid-19!) and I do not financially need to work outside the home to keep the roof over our heads, but I choose to (for the reasons given upthread).

I think it's about aspirations. Everyone if different. Not everybody has to want or need the same things in life.

If you are happy with what you are doing, you really shouldn't feel the need to be so defensive. Again, don't worry about what other people think and just continue to do what's best for you and your family at the time. Things change over time, so your life plans may need to change.

I hope this thread has been an eye-opener for OP. You really should not have started a Ask Me Anything (AMA) thread unless you have the emotional resilience (and maybe life experience) to deal with the responses that you invited.

Most parents are just trying to do the best for their children. Everybody's circumstances are different, but our children should be our priority regardless. Unfortunately, not all parents prioritise their children, even the SAHP ones! (e.g. DC sat in front of the TV most of the day before lockdown).

I note that OP apologised for using the term 'bring up', but I would like to add that using childcare such as nurseries does not mean other people are bringing up your children on your behalf. Of course, those care providers are helping to look after other people's children, but ultimately we are the parents. We are the adults bringing up our children. Parents should be instiling standards, routines, manners, education (along with school), aspirations, experiences, language (how we speak), humility and empathy towards others, the list goes on...

Being defensive and coming back at colleagues who queried why you would not be returning to work after mat leave, by asking them why wouldn't they stay at home to 'bring up' their own DC if they could financially, was rude and insensitive. It also showed that you do not yet fully understand how society and its ills work.

When I left work, people asked why and I told them straight 'because at the moment we can afford for me to stay at home and spend time with my son and not have to pay someone else to help bring him up so if you could afford to be with your child and wanted to why wouldn't you..' not one person gave me an answer

Because nobody’s going to burst your bubble by telling you that if your DH Drops dead tomorrow/ decides to start shagging the new girl in accounts you’re up shit creek.
There’s plenty of posters on the thread warning you of the pitfalls you don’t want to hear them.

Out of interest I've always wondered when DC are adults, what is your title then?

Do people still say I'm a SAHM when the kids are fully grown, working, independent?

Obviously you are still a mum but SAHM is a reason not to work. So when you don't need to be at home what are you?

I don't mean this in a goady way, I just wondered.

Also, I forgot to add:
I was bloody lucky enough to find a local 'needle in a haystack' extremely flexible school hours job, where I can do AM & PM school runs and work 4 days pw, including working from home (WFH) 2-4 days pw even before lockdown. We had given up the afterschool club place when I left my previous job last year. I had just about given up looking for flexible PT work and was reluctantly applying for FT roles when I came across my current role. Our 20+ DD was going to temporarily help out with childcare until afterschool club places became available, as she was not working due to returning from travelling. It is hard out there to find a job and it's obviously worse since Covid-19. Eldest DD took advantage of the influx of temporary keyworker jobs available at the beginning of lockdown, as we're all grafters in our household. We are 'bringing up' our DC to have both a personal and social duty to contribute financially and non-financially. e.g., our primary aged DC have age appropriate chores (DC are 5 & 9).

It's not easy to find any type of job as it depends on what you are looking for as opposed to what you really want to do, what you have skills, experience and qualifications to do. Again, a naive comment/perspective.
Some people are happy to work in rewarding fields for low pay and they actively make the decision to do so. They do not just fall/end up in those jobs/careers just because they're desperate.

Different strokes for different folks. Feeling smug because you think that you or your life is better than others is not a good look, it just makes you look insecure. Tearing or putting other people down to make yourself feel better is not a good personality trait. It really isn't necessary to go back and forth continuously with these SAHM's vs Working Mum's posts, as others have said for years they do not end well and are divisive. There are enough of these posts lingering around the world wide web, to not have to create your own and then get defensive and upset when you don't like the questions you asked strangers to ask of you! Or their opinions!
As women, we should be encouraging each other, not bringing each other down.