I'm a SAHM AMA

[MotherPiglet]

Go!

Would you be happy if your DD chose to become a SAHM?

I know too many able and competent women who supported their DH and DCs but are now in minimal wage jobs once DH became XH. In a particularly sad case, a friend was diagnosed with a terminal disease. No company sick pay so their savings went on living expenses for the 18 months he couldn't work. 3 DCs and his DW hadn't worked for 13 years.

One PP said "if we broke up, it's our money". It isn't, especially if the break up happens once the DCs are older. No pension, little earning capacity, no cash to spoil the GCs.

I don't think people judge you for being a SAHM. I think it's genuine concern borne out of experience of what a precarious position you're in. And to say it was DH's choice for you to be a SAHM gives me the shivers.

olly it was always my choice to be a sahm. I couldnt do it without my dh support. It's a team decision. He was the first to suggest it, if I didnt want to I wouldn't do it, I ultimately had the final say and if I didnt want to stay with my dc then we could arrange childcare and I'd start looking for work. Do you always have to be the first to make a suggestion for your family?

olly as long as my dd was happy in her decision I would support her being a SAHM

I’ve no problem with DD or DS becoming a SAHP but secretly would be a little disappointed. They are only just starting out on their careers so hopefully for them both that decision is a long way in the future.

I’m way too invested in this thread now so this is my last post, but to say you’ll have limited earning capacity....

So many people do who are in full time employment anyway, what about those working in supermarkets, cleaners, carers, many people go through life earning minimum wage, no progression, that is actually fine too. We need those people.

He was the first to suggest it

Of course, he has little to lose, much to gain. Do you have your own bank account? Does he make pension contributions on your behalf?

Would you really be happy for your DD to be so reliant on someone else's grace and favour that can be withdrawn so suddenly? (Check out the relationship boards for real life stories!) I'd be devastated if my DDs were not financially independent.

Ok one more, if my children grow up to be SAHP, cleaners, company directors or anything else they wish, my main concern is their happiness. It’s a miserable life always needing/wanting more.

So many people do who are in full time employment anyway, what about those working in supermarkets, cleaners, carers, many people go through life earning minimum wage, no progression, that is actually fine too. We need those people

But they'll have career history, pension contributions and can pay their bills.

(Also over invested in thread! However, I'm just appalled at how many women feel this is a life choice when they haven't made sure they are fully protected if it doesn't work out. Make sure you're covered!)

@Waitingforboristoletusfree I'm invested too!

It's taken me twice as long to get dressed as I keep reading the thread. I'm going to put my phone down and back away slowly ...

Certainly none of the SAHM that I know are doing anything outside of paid work to contribute.

On the other hand, nearly every SAHP I know does some kind of voluntary work (breastfeeding support, sling libraries, Home Start, advocacy for children in care, helping in school or running the Cub pack etc). Several are SAHPs to also help take care of elderly relatives or older children with additional needs.

I think there are very different situations within the catch-all term of "SAHP".

I definitely agree with working towards some kind of financial security independent of a partner though. That said, there is a big difference between lots of women's experience of well-paid, career-type jobs and most working-class women giving up an admin or retail job to raise kids. There has often been less of a career ladder to step off, and those working parents would be left vulnerable anyway in the case of a break up. There would be BIG lifestyle changes for every family in the event of divorce.

£60k around here (East Mids) would be plenty to bring up 4 kids, especially as part of a long term plan with savings being made in the cheaper primary school years for university, driving lessons etc.

@Parker231 sahp is often the only case for a few years of their career. It's a bit sad for you to be disappointed.

Some careers you can’t take several years out and resume - this was the case for me. DD is very focused on her career at the moment. Just 21 and starting her first job in September for the EU in Brussels. I don’t think I’ll have anything to worry about.

@Waitingforboristoletusfree

Also any family I know personally that have ended in divorce have two parents working, usually opposite hours to avoid childcare costs. The ONLY families I know still together, had a mum at home

You can’t possibly say that’s because the mum was at home. Perhaps those women stayed in unhappy marriages because they were less able to leave, having no earning power or source of income. Separating cause and effect is complex.

@Parker231

Some careers you can’t take several years out and resume - this was the case for me. DD is very focused on her career at the moment. Just 21 and starting her first job in September for the EU in Brussels. I don’t think I’ll have anything to worry about.

Worry about in terms of what?

So long as they were happy I’d like both DD and DS to continue with their careers when (if) they become parents.

Sounds like your DD has done extremely well so well done to her @Parker231 you must be very proud!
It definitely seems it’s not something she would leave for an extended period.
I like that you say if they’re happy too; that’s definutely what we all want!
My DD is only 6 and currently flits between joining little mix or being a vet 😂😂😂

@Louise0701 - no worse DS at the same age. We’d spent Christmas in Hawaii and watched a surf competition. DS decided he wanted to be a world champion surfer. Not sure how he thought he would practice as we live in Central London!

[quote Parker231]@Louise0701 - no worse DS at the same age. We’d spent Christmas in Hawaii and watched a surf competition. DS decided he wanted to be a world champion surfer. Not sure how he thought he would practice as we live in Central London![/quote]
Haha you’ve got to love their ambition!
@Handsoffisback I don’t have the rhythm 😂😂

handsoff I've took on board the advice and I'm brushing off the rest of the negativity.

When I left work, people asked why and I told them straight 'because at the moment we can afford for me to stay at home and spend time with my son and not have to pay someone else to help bring him up so if you could afford to be with your child and wanted to why wouldn't you..' not one person gave me an answer.

My good friend has a DS who is now at school, but she only had 6 months on maternity leave and didnt enjoy it. She enjoys motherhood much more now they arent together day in day out.

People can be negative about any situation, especially if its different to their own but some people can be so disrespectful with their opinions.

Putting a child into nursery/childminder/nanny isn’t ‘paying someone to bring them up’ it’s childcare. I didn’t want to stay at home all the time with Dd because I need to work for my sanity. I need to spend some part of my week being someone who people actually listen to I am not cut out to be at home all the time, and that is fine as well.

I don’t think anyone has been negative as such, just pointing out the flaws in plans. And there’s flaws in everyone’s decisions, just some affect people more.

@TeddyIsaHe I think that’s the point the op was making.. childcare- paying for someone to care for your child.

Apologies teddy bring up isnt what I meant and I worded it badly