I'm a SAHM AMA

[MotherPiglet]

Go!

@Microwaveoven
"I went to uni and never got a penny from my mum. I got a job and used my loan."

Me too. Those were the days. These days it's basically top up your kids maintenance loan or serious limit their opportunities and choices.

And it's not a few quid either. The rent we paid back then (not to mention the fees) are minimal. Take a look at the accommodation prices now at your old uni.

I've checked one of the local schools here in case I was going mad. Their PE kit, blazer, tie and school skirt if you choose to wear one are compulsory purchase from the uniform shop. I believe families on certain benefits can get vouchers but the OP wouldn't.

I've added that up, it doesn't include shoes, trainers, shirts, trousers, coats, bags, stationary etc. £140. This school is in a poor area.

I'm assuming those saying they've never paid anywhere near £250 to kit their kid out for school only have primary aged children.

I don't know if it was minamal. I have £29000 worth of student loan debt!! I left uni 10 years ago.

*minimal

When people say work so you have some money of your own in case of divorce, do you mean have completely separate finances, or your money is your money and his money is your money too? Or is it just that if you divorce you can show that you’ve brought £X into the household? Just occurred to me I’ve never known what the reasoning is for that. In our house all money that comes in is our money, so any money I make goes into the same pot as all the rest of the money. Just wondering as I don’t work currently and all money is equally accessible by both of us, joint investments etc so I’m wondering if something there is wrong.

Our DT’s have just completed their Uni degrees although DS is doing his masters in September. Fees of £9k each per year plus accommodation, food, books etc.

I wish it was still seen as really respectful and 'wow look at you, such a tough job!' for being a sahp. A valid job, as it is quite sacrificial. It's a hard job and I wish fewer mums would look down on it. And I say this as someone who will probably not be a SAHP.

Also most households don't have completely equal salaries. Divorce, sickness or death always makes this an issue. OP clearly has a plan of what would happen. If you're paying nursery or childminders fees and dh lost their job, it would be the same issue for lack of finances.

I would love to be a SAHP, but I can’t afford it which is fine.
I totally get the appeal. But I don’t understand what you mean about “I think I’ll be a SAHP forever” you’ll be 45 with an adult kid, who will be leaving home for uni, if you have more you’re still likely to be 2 decades of retirement age when your kids leave home. What will you do then?

I don't really care what women decide to do post having children but please protect yourself.

My ex (who was lovely and a great dad change dramatically). His DC haven't seen him for 5 years and pays no maintenance.. he disappeared off into the night (not dead another women). If i hadn't continued to have worked (and worked up to a very decent salary) I would have been left fucked.

How do you not go insane getting screamed at and hit all day by the 2 year old?

Or do you have one of those angelic children (so far, there's a hormone dump at 3 which turned my boisterous 2yo into an emotionally fragile, sassy, tantrumming 3yo)

What will you do then?

Haha, who the hell knows what they will do in 20-60 years time!! Sometimes I don't have plans for the next day let alone decades.
I mean it could be anything. I might join an African tribe, become a writer, work in finance, become a gardener, Potter around happily at home. Who knows. Its fun learning and growing and finding more out about yourself though. The possibilites are endless really. If you have intelligence and a good work ethic and you are kind and polite and look after yourself and others then you will be fine in life.

@phthalo women should keep working to protect their income in case of a divorce. It is very hard to get a job with a good salary if you've been out of the workplace for a decade or more. It is rare to get spousal maintenance now. So itsnot about how the assets are split at the moment of divorce, but protecting your skills and income for after.

How do you not go insane getting screamed at and hit all day by the 2 year old?
Wow. You need to work on your parenting skills!

But the OPs plan is also fully dependant on other people....

trillbydoll my house is tidy between 8pm and 7am.. hahaha. depending on whether I've picked up the toys. I used to tidy everything away at the end of each day but I've started leaving things and closing the door then doing it every couple of days instead because it seems pointless. He helps to put toys away throughout the day but then megablocks or duplo comes out and it just takes over 😂

We are all dependent on other people. I am dependent on the bin men turning up. And teachers being good enough to teach my kids. Dependent on doctors and dentists and supermarket workers. Mechanics and builders. Friends and family.

DH is as much dependent on me as I am of him. Team work and all that.

@Wankerchief as is anyone if they get divorced? They have to rely on nursery or a childminder if they return to work... like anyone?

cosycats of course it can be boring sometimes, like it can sometimes be boring when working so I just try and make it interesting with a do different activity or visit somewhere new.

She wants to live with her parents with MIL as childcare. If either say no she's fucked. And why should they support a grown up financially? I'm assuming she won't be paying them rent or childcare for a bit
I could afford rent and childcare.
Benefits take time and don't cover much.

And comparing a roof over your head and financial security for your children to bin men coming make u sound rather dim.

red that made me laugh. Theres been times when I've had to walk away and calm down so I can go back in to handle the situation better. No kids are perfect, the screaming seems most prominent when he hears the word no but we'll get through it. Hes tried hitting but doesnt get very far with it so has given up.. for now atleast. Terrible 2s have definitely arrived and I'm thrilled at the thought of the hormonal dump at age 3 currently positives overweight the negatives of being at home

I worked part time even though childcare was so expensive. Dp facing redundancy now. I can up my hours so boy am I glad I did.

wankercheif I would get 50% of the house plus our savings. I wouldn't be left with nothing. I dont want to live with my parents or use my MIL it would be in the interim because if anything was to happen noone knows what situation any of us would be in.

@Microwaveoven this.

You are also dependant on the nursery staff being decent and looking after your kid properly. It is perfectly acceptable to pick a nursery and your career for future prospects, like a lot of people have done here. It is also perfectly acceptable to not rely on anybody else to look after your child and do it yourself, returning to the workforce later. You only have one life so should do what works for your family. People are pretty judgemental here thinking you need to pick a side.

I have known perfectly happy and intelligent people do both. I know a sahm and sahd. My friend who's dh stays at home? She LOVES it! She can relax and have a great career and know her dc is being well looked after.

My Dh for example. He finds being at home tough and has a high salary - he would be over the moon for me to be at home and be with ds if I wanted to! But I don't want to and am looking at returning to work. He gets that and completely supports me, even though it would probably be easier if I didn't. A decent relationship respects each other and their abilities. It's like our jobs in general. I couldn't do his and he couldnt do mine. It's great we're both so awesome doing different things. 👍

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as Dim. Just trying to point out we all rely on everyone doing what they are supposed to so we can get by. It was a bad comparison on my part.

I know an awful lot of people who use grandparents as childcare. Half the adults at school pick up are grand parents.

Hi Op

Was your MIL a SAHM too and is your husband the same age as you?