I'm a SAHM AMA

[MotherPiglet]

Go!

Yes, I am sure it is one safety net you have created for yourself. We all have safety nets be it money, family, friends.

But saying your future is 100% secure because you have a pension pot and a part time job also is niave. That can all easily be taken away too. This stupid pandemic has shown us all that everything can be whipped away from you very easily. I don't believe that anyone is safe from a future of absolute despair. It would only take one car accident to kill my DCs and DH and my whole world would be turned upside down and a job isn't going to make it all OK. Some life insurance would help pay the bills for a while but it wouldn't be a very strong safety net for that kind of trauma. We are all weak to the destruction that is human life.

But saying your future is 100% secure because you have a pension pot and a part time job also is niave. Not sure if that’s aimed at me as I never said that... my point was that my future is not reliant on the actions of others (such as if my husband leaves me or can’t work or refuses to work). You said no one can control their future... you’re not wrong but we can all mitigate risk.

"We are all weak to the destruction that is human life."

Crikey, did you swallow the not so inspirational quotes manual?

This thread is specifically about OP being a SAHM. To an ideal of 4 children.

And to the poster talking about her take home pay of £1200. A different poster has already explained how you would be better off. The monthly pay packet is only one part of personal financial security. And the inability to see beyond the 10 years or so that paid childcare is an issue is part of the problem too.

Not really aimed at you. Mostly for the posters up thread saying they are safe because they have pensions etc.

You are right. Your job gives you more security then not having it!

It's such a difficult debate as it's down to the dynamics of the couple. I do believe some people go into marriage and having children knowing it won't last. In fact I know people!! My friend is splitting up with her husband at the moment. I could have told her it wouldn't last. But she married him and had his children regardless because she wanted the family dream. Even though he's always been a cheating asshole. And my BIL knew his wife wasn't the one but still married her and had her child. And she cheated and left him and her child for another man! We are all vulnerable but some people do stupid things for the family dream.

Crikey, did you swallow the not so inspirational quotes manual?

it was just the first line that came into my head! I probably should have taken more time to put a more coherent sentence together. Sorry. But you get jist!!

I also think women make themselves incredibly vulnerable going into marriages thinking they WILL last.

You only have to spend 5 minutes on the relationships board to see how awful ‘good’ men can be. Women marry them in love, and 15 years later are left with no CV, no savings, children to support and no income.

I don’t know why any woman would ever leave themselves and their children that vulnerable.

She can have 4 kids if she wants. DH would have another if I was on board. But I am not. 3 is enough for me

Literally no point marrying someone if you don't think it will last. No fucking point. Just stay as 'boyfriend and girlfriend' if you think it will end in divorce. Then you don't have to get divorced.

Also the relationships board is just about fucked up marriages. If all the happily married people posted on there then it mostly be happily married threads. But only people who have issues use it.
No one's making a thread called "DH and I have been happily married for 65 years what do I do"

Well, the happily married don’t always end up that way. That’s my point. There are thousands upon thousands of women that thought they were ‘happily married’ and end up on the relationships board.

Don’t leave yourself vulnerable. I don’t think that’s a horrid bit of advice? I’ve seen the fallout of women that have nothing when their husband leaves. I just wouldn’t ever put myself into a situation that would leave me that devestated, emotionally and financially. But we all have our own priorities.

Of course it's not horrid advice. No one wants to be vulnerable. Well some people might but they aren't mentally stable!

Also our priorities are probably the same. Mine are to raise a happy family the best way I know how.
It's just your way how is to work mine is to be at home. That's it. Same priorities, different method!

Aside from the practical issues around financial vulnerability etc which has been discussed up thread don't you worry about how your (child)ren will see you as they grow up?

If you have a daughter do you want more for her than meeting someone, having a child then spending the rest of her life reliant on someone else?
What about your Son, would you be happy if he met someone and they decided to stay at home so he had no choice but to take on and keep the pressure of supporting everyone?

(That's probably going to come off a lot nastier than I mean it, but they are genuine questions)

Fair enough if you want to be a SAHM, and I'm glad you trust your husband. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Please do take on board the advice about pensions and investments, especially if your husband works in a trade - physical jobs start taking their toll in your 40s and 50s. Also look up the power of compound interest, invest well and you'll both be comfortable later in life.

One other reason to consider getting back to work though is not divorce but illness. A good friend of mine, her husband was ill and ended up disabled, fortunately she kept her hand in at work and was able to ramp up her career to be the main breadwinner and he sahd.

babs709 we try to, I do certain things and he does certain things then we share the rest but I think he probably does more than me at the minute depending on how the week is going. We're definitely at team when it comes to this.

Gosh I think i worry about money too much. I want to stay at home while the kids are small, but having looked at pension affordability it seems risky. My husband earns 97k, I earn about the same and my pension pot is 150k, but as I'm 42 it really weighs on me. My mum tells me I'm silly and should stay at home.

elmo is that how you see sahm? That isnt how I see them and that isnt how i am raising my son to see them either. It was my DH idea for me to be a SAHM.

Eeeek!! Husband’s idea, husband’s money, husband’s career keeping you from destitution.

Does that not worry you even a little?

It was his idea?

OP I hope it works out for you. The odds are stacked against and you're doing yourself few favours but you're young and that's up to you.

I don't know how you can say you don't see a SAHM as reliant on someone else forever. You've said yourself you don't really want to work ever and that you're happy relying on DH.

He'll get pissed off when he's older and tired and coming home doing half the housework while your son is off at uni 🙈

youhave4 as I've said we work as a team. At the minute the house is split 50/50, it wont be like that forever. It is all circumstantial. I hope you have a more positive outlook on your own life and all the amazing decisions you have. I have made the decisions right for my family. My DH suggested it, he never forced me, if I wanted to go back to work he wouldn't stop me. I dont need to justify myself.

@MotherPiglet for some reason you seem very annoyed. You started a discussion about your own situation on an AMA thread

I've got a positive and realistic outlook and I'm happy with my situation, security and ability to provide solely for the children I chose to have. For what it's worth, I have a generous guaranteed income, I currently work on top of that but I have also been a SAHM as well as a FT working mum. But this is ask you anything, not ask me anything.

Unfortunately, the advice to protect yourself, look into the reality of leaving yourself vulnerable whilst aiming for 4 kids seem to have offended you. I would be concerned if my daughter left herself exposed that way, not only when her child was young but forever

@Waitingforboristoletusfree
No issues here.

I've done both (worked PT and FT & been a SAHM), so no judging from me. How other people chose to live their lives has absolutely no bearing on my life, but it's good to show concern for others and give advice if asked.

Were you judging?

I'm 45 in a 20+ year relationship. with 3 DC. Had my first at 20. Last DC is in Reception Year. Worked since 14 with a several month break until recently. Relived to have found another job just b4 lockdown. Wasn't happy in previous job (micromanager & burnout). Loved the break and being at home with kids, esp during Summer hols but then got bored. I know I need the stimulation of work, adult conversation and most importantly my financial independence and security. I also went to uni when my eldest was 3, whilst working PT and a single parent. Luckily, we were able to afford extortionate private nursery fees for the best part of 7 years, so I could 'keep my foot in the door'.

Again, I'm not judging but I've personally worked too hard and for too long to be up Shit Creek if my so far mostly good relationship goes tits up!
Good luck. I really hope it works out well X years down the line.

If as you say your planing on being a SAHP forever , what will you refer to yourself as when your dc have left the family home? What will
Your identity look like

@motherPiglet no that's not how I see SAHM but it was the impression I was getting from yourself. You made comments early in the thread about not wanting to work even when the kids are at school or grown up which made me ask

I know people choose to be SAHMs or SAHD for a multitude of reasons.

I have a 2 kids (DS 1 and DD 3). I took a year off with both. I am the main earner working FT and my DH works part time. We are fortunate that my DDad can provide us some childcare. I've recently switched from a job I wasn't massively proud off which I stuck at as it paid well and had good hours for a few years before having the kids and between kids. I've been so luck to find my dream job (which to be honest I didn't even know existed) on similar hours and better money, one deciding factor for the move is that I want my kids to be proud of what their Mum does. (I'm a specialist nurse for a bit of context)

I originally come from an area with high unemployment, few opportunities and I was one of a small number of kids at school who had two working parents, many had none. I credit my work ethos (and that of my sister's) to seeing my parents work and how they provided much more for us than many other kids got. The area hasn't changed over time, well may be worse actually and I see it as a lack of aspiration.

Since I returned to work after DS my relationship with my DD has improved. When I was at home all the tome, even at 3 she saw me as part of the furniture and didn't want to do much. She was all for Daddy especially when he'd been at work. Now the evenings and weekends are much more special and the time we spend together is better quality. She loves pre school too!

For me it makes things seen less of a slog, I enjoy bath time and bed time (me and DH generally share this) as we can chat about our days and enjoy all sitting together for our evening meal.

Hope that gives a little insight into why I asked the questions I did.

Wow, that was long!

@Elmo230885 this sounds very similar to my family and I was very proud of my mum and aunt for being working mums especially in the 90s. I just find it sad I suppose that SAHP get seen as part of the furniture and like I said, they deserve respect even more if anything because they sacrifice pretty much everything for it and you're not allowed to say you want your kids to be 'proud of you' for staying at home, as sounds like you're bashing working mums.