I'm a SAHM AMA

[MotherPiglet]

Go!

I will add that these threads are always difficult as both sides feel the need to defend themselves. To be honest we can't win.

Maybe your all marrying the wrong men 🤣 my husband works and I stay home. His wages go into our bank. They are ours. The house is ours. If we break up it’s all both of ours. They aren’t ‘his’ wages they are ours. Probably the same as OP. You can pay pension and NI without having a job and you can have confidence and a life away from the home without one too! You can pick up a job again at any time, those saying being out of work for a long period would stop that... well your wrong. It may take a little longer but it’s not impossible for Christ sake. If you don’t agree with women being a SAHM just move on to another thread.

Also any family I know personally that have ended in divorce have two parents working, usually opposite hours to avoid childcare costs. The ONLY families I know still together, had a mum at home

@BabyLlamaZen thankyou, I think that highlights that's it quite difficult to be able to see the other side.
Everyone makes there own decisions in life but unfortunately these decisions make others question their own decisions. It's a bit of a vicious cycle!

I think part of it is what is normal to you. My DM worked full time as did my DMil. Both my DSis and DSil returned to work full time after their maternity leave. All my friends work full time - it’s the norm with my family and friends.

@Parker231 it’s the opposite for me, both DM and MIL worked full time. Both ended in divorce

@Waitingforboristoletusfree you have sort of proved my point. Your posts are very defensive. Your decisions are your decisions.

Balancing family and work is difficult. Neither of us work weekends so we make sure we make the most of those. Today my DH has got both kids up and dressed, and given them breakfast. He's currently say with them watching Blaze. I've attempted to make caramel, which has gone terribly wrong. I'll head out with one of the kids to the garden centre later to get some compost to re locate DDs pumpkin plant as it's taking over the garden!

(I'm aware that I'm also feeling the need to defend my choices, oh the irony!)

parker it wasnt the norm for me. None of my family have been SAHM only my MIL. I only have one SAHM friend, the rest all work.

@Waitingforboristoletusfree - luckily we all have strong marriages. My and DH’s parents have been married 50 years and DH and I have had our silver wedding last year. All depends on what you want from life.

Did you have a profession before dc? One of the reasons I keep a toe in is because if I needed a job after a 10 yr gap I'm not going to much to choose from.

Did you have a profession before dc? One of the reasons I keep a toe in is because if I needed a job after a 10 yr gap I'm not going to much to choose from.

Waiting 'you can pick up a job at any time' ... sadly that just isn't correct, especially in the current economic position.

I have no particular axe to grind, I was a very happy SAHM to one child for 12 years - like Waiting my DH and I had a shared bank account and I had full access to whatever I wanted/needed ... we had no financial pressures. However, when the previous recession hit my DH's business suffered and I needed to return to work ... I did find a job but it was nothing like my previous career role. It is much harder to find work if you have been out of the job market for some time.

@Elmo230885 the difference is though, I don’t think mums who work get judged or have anything to defend so why should a SAHM? Surely it’s whatever works for you and your family. If you end up fucked.. so what, so did DM after working her whole life... That’s just a bridge you cross if you come to it surely ?

@Ragwort ok maybe specific industries but just any old job. I could become a carer in the next 10 minutes they are always desperate and if you desperately need money because things have gone tits up, any money will do

My DM was a SAH. I hated it, especially as I got older. I really wished she'd got some interesting job like some of the other kids mums. I'm sure I'd never properly admit that to her as I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings.

Strangely she was very keen for me to return to my career, which I did. She hinted she regretted not having done so herself, but I don't think she'd ever actually say so.

@Waitingforboristoletusfree your set up is the same as ours. I don’t get an “allowance” everything is ours.
Both our mothers stayed at home until the children were at school. Both still happily married. MIL now stopped working for health reasons, DM still working in very successful career. I don’t have any less respect for either of them. I personally think it’s brilliant if you can stay at home with your children while they are young. I’m very proud to be at home with mine and we’re very close. I don’t find bedtime / bathtime a slog. I genuinely love my life. When my children are in school I’ll be doing further study to get the career I want, the same as my DM did. I personally feel I’ll have had the best of both worlds.
It’s each to their own. Women have a choice. I’m proud of my friends who work FT, PT and those who stay at home.

waitingforboris 👏

[quote Waitingforboristoletusfree]@Elmo230885 the difference is though, I don’t think mums who work get judged or have anything to defend so why should a SAHM? Surely it’s whatever works for you and your family. If you end up fucked.. so what, so did DM after working her whole life... That’s just a bridge you cross if you come to it surely ?[/quote]
In a couple of the baby groups I’ve been to in the past there’s been a lot of judgement for working mothers. Especially those full time or in high pressure careers where they hardly saw their children.

louise it's the same here with everything being 50/50 we've set ourselves budgets with the disposable income so it doesnt all fritter away, the same as we did when I was working but house is half mine, savings, etc.

@Waitingforboristoletusfree I've had a few times I've needed to defend my choices. For example when I returned to work after DD an older colleague made a point of telling me she did the same and when her marriage broke down her husband got custody of the children as he'd been at home with them when they were young.
Like I said there will always be someone questioning your decisions.

The only reason I asked my initial questions was because this is AMA and with such an emotive subject it's hard to discuss in real life.

louise theres no judgement for working mums at the groups I go to, I think mainly because it's the norm here. There doesnt seem to be many SAHM around but maybe that's because everyone needs to keep a foot in the door.

@Elmo230885 no judgement here 🖐🏼 if working works for you and your family then great. I did work after my first and loved it, but after my second I just couldn’t get my head around two different drop offs and pick ups, as well as working, So hats off to you if you do manage it. The only difference is I’ll be going back to work once my youngest is in full time education but I also don’t judge those who chose to stay home going forward as I know a few families who that has really worked for too.

@Waitingforboristoletusfree thanks. We are all doing what is best for ourselves and our families.

[quote Elmo230885]@Waitingforboristoletusfree thanks. We are all doing what is best for ourselves and our families.[/quote]
Absolutely!

If I may be so bold (and rude)...

Being a SAHM, especially one who never plans to work, isn’t contributing anything to society. Sure you are bringing up your children but it would be hard for regular folk to argue whether the personal benefits of that outweigh the benefits to society.

Certainly none of the SAHM that I know are doing anything outside of paid work to contribute. Nor do the majority of folk I know who are in paid work. That doesn’t mean you never will in your lifetime.

So you are posing a philosophical question: does everyone in the world have to be contributing to society? Does it matter? Do our contributions have to come solely from the paid work we do?

But please be assured I’m not trying to be nasty and I’m not judging you, I’m very “live and let live”. All I’m doing is suggesting a reason that there may be judgement from others. Or why the whole idea of a SAHM doesn’t sit right with them.