I'm a SAHM AMA

[MotherPiglet]

Go!

OP just leave now. Stay at home mum threads never go well. Everyone piles on and you can't win.

I don't know where you live but I do know you're reliant on a 60k wage. And that you couldn't support your family as it stands with one child, never mind 4. You said this....

"Potentially, but the only way we can afford for me to do this is because of his job. My wage was a third of his before I left work so we would certainly have to make some adjustments and potentially move house again in order to do this."

Who mentioned "material things"? Is supplementing a university maintenance loan (as you are expected to) material? Is providing 4 children with new school uniform each year to the tune of around £1000 each year "material"? Is paying over £2000 a year for travel passes for your kids to get to school "material"?

As I said, you sound naive and have no plan to protect yourself and support your kids in the future.

What kind of work did you do before? Do you miss it?

I've certainly never spent £1000 on school uniform! You can get plenty of second hand items OP and your younger children will have the hand me downs. There's ways and means.

OP just leave now. Stay at home mum threads never go well. Everyone piles on and you can't win.

This is entirely untrue. A significant percentage of the users of this forum are, or have been SAHMs, so I really fail to see why there's any perception that someone who self-identifies as a SAHM is going to be 'piled on'.

People pointing out the economic precariousness of being entirely reliant on someone else's income, particularly when out of the workplace long enough for your skills and qualifications to become obsolete, is more of a well-intentioned service from those who regularly read the Relationships board here.

youhave4 not everyone goes to university but we have set up savings. We would not need to pay £2000 for our children to get ti school each year. The primary school is walking distance, secondary school is a bus or short car ride, same with colleges.

Yes potentially if my husband wanted to stay at home and I went back fo work, dependent on wages, we may have to move. Do you not live to your means within your family? That doesnt mean if I had 4 children we wouldn't be able to afford for them to have a good life. We currently live in a 5 bed house so would have enough room to house them and live comfortably. I dont understand your issue and why you dont think its doable. Maybe you live in a more expensive area.

Bullshitvivienne I worked in data quality and events, it was a varied role. I thought I'd really miss it but leaving work is the best decision I've made

tillytubby uniforms are no where near £1k in my area but as you say secondhand and hand me downs are no problem. Theres so many ways to shop savvy on almost everything now.

I have never spent near that in uniform with 3 kids.

Also DH earns about 28k a year and we have 3 kids and a very happy life!! Money is not everything.

@1ForAllnAllFor1

How do u feel in lockdown ? Do you feel validated that many of the sneery mums who work and pretend being at home with kids is a breeze, do u feel validated that all mums are saying how hard it is? Even the ones on furlough, secured financially but looking after kids?

Speaking of sneery

Exactly microwaveoven my parents earn around 30k between them and brought 3 kids up comfortably. We never felt like we did without and was happy. You dont need to spend lots of money for children to be happy.

What job did you do before? Is it something you could return to easily if you wanted to?

I think one of the problems with Mumsnet is that you just have no idea who anyone is! They could be the best parent there is on not much money. You could have loads of money and be a bad parent.
You can set yourself up to think you are safe and things can go terribly wrong. No matter who you are and what saftey nets you have. No one is safe from everything.

I think it's safe to say most mums on here are trying their best with what they have.
Calling people niave because they haven't followed the same life plan as you is just silly.

mumtum there was lots of different aspects to it. It was office based doing data quality, social media, communications and events so lots of different areas I could use my experience in. I started it just looking for general admin work and if I was to return to work I'd be happy to go back into admin although my interests have changed now so I'd potentially do it alongside training

OP you sound happy and like you’re making confident decisions. I agree that you don’t have to spend £1k on school uniforms. However, I also agree with PPs that you do sound quite naive. For example in expecting that your MiL would provide childcare in the event of a divorce. Yes they would still be her grandchildren but don’t estimate the extent to which parents will always side with their son and facilitating your job by providing you with free childcare might not be top of their priority list or could put them in an uncomfortable situation if they don’t want direct contact with you. No doubt you would find a way to manage, people do, but I think the huge risk of your situation is how bloody hard that would be if it did happen. Ok the flip side, you will probably have a lovely life if things carry on as well as they are and your marriage is long lasting. The one thing I do think is bonkers though is not starting a pension, you should really think seriously about that one.

I promise I don't live in a more expensive area. I live in the NW of England in a seaside town.

But secondary school uniform and equipment can easily come to £200 per child, then another 50 throughout the year.

Travel passes here for kids on the bus are £63 a month. That actually works out at £3000 a year for 4 teenagers.

Not everyone goes to university, no. But they don't usually decide until they are 16 and then you suddenly need to save fast to supplement their maintenance loan? Potentially 4 times over? Thousands with your husband earning 60k as they'd get the minimum amount. Martin Lewis did a great show on this for parents.

I've only given examples relating to education. When you're young and everything is about toddler groups and starting family life retirement and universities and driving lessons etc seem a lifetime away. They're not. And that's the reality.

It's not "piling on" to point out the potential financial pitfalls of being a SAHM or choosing to have a larger family on an inadequate income.

Many women look back 15 years down the line from the OPs situation and wish they'd thought and planned ahead a bit more.

I'm not shitting on SAHM, I've just returned to work in feb after 17 years as a sahm. No married but partner on 30k in the South east, two kids (9+17)

I really loved it but by the last few years there was resentment (on both sides) and I was very aware that if he left I would be absolutely fucked.
Returning to work was hard, I am well educated and my skills are revelvent but no one hires a late 30`s new starter with 17 years no job history, big chains are full to bursting with woman like me
I'm now on Min wage retail and that's the reality for most of us.

people coming on to tell you to protect yourself and not be a dependent is important.
I'm still with Dp and have no plans to leave but my God I was an idiot to stay off work for so long.

Hindsight would of stopped me working in a shop during a global pandemic though....

I think I might be niave in this university malarkey. Why do you have to pay for your kids to go to uni?

I went to uni and never got a penny from my mum. I got a job and used my loan.

What is it parents are paying for?

*Big retail chains that's should of said

Sorry it's poorly written throughout

I can't think of anything worse than lockdown with a 2yo OP, you have my sympathy.

Is your house tidy? All of us being at home has made the house plumb new depths of messiness I didn't realise were possible. I thought being at home was the answer to domestic organisation but for me at least this is not true

@Microwaveoven

I think I might be niave in this university malarkey. Why do you have to pay for your kids to go to uni?

I went to uni and never got a penny from my mum. I got a job and used my loan.

What is it parents are paying for?

The system has transformed entirely in the last few years. Parents are expected to contribute on a means tested basis and if they refuse the offspring are fucked because they can’t obtain finding to bridge the gap. That’s my understanding anyway. There are also some very odd and unfair rules like I think a step parent’s income is taken into account so effectively they are expected to pay towards a step child’s uni education Even if they have their own kids to fund. It’s a minefield and worth investigating if your kids will be heading that way soon.

Do you get bored? Children can be pretty mind numbing day in day out.
Also like to know the answer to the pension question.

What kind of job did you have before op?

You need minimum £250k for a
pretty basic pension income. Its my main reason for staying in work. Good luck!

Thanks, I do remember it being means tested. I think I did get a grant towards paying my way but it still wasn't enough and I got a job working evenings and weekends.
No we are no where near that stage and have plenty of time ahead of us to look into it all I suppose.