I'm a SAHM AMA

[MotherPiglet]

Go!

Greatdomestic yes to both

@Ragwort

I think at 27 it easy not to think about your future, pension etc.

I have two friends who were SAHMs & their marriages broke up in their late 50s/60s both are in very difficult financial situations, one ended up living in a bed sit and one got housed in an 'alms house' - almost like the Workhouse days. One is now living with someone who isn't particularly nice just so that she has a roof over her head. The four adult children of one family don't even see their own mother as the father and step mother have a much more comfortable and exciting life to be part of.

I've got similar mates. One is living in a caravan. All children are adults now.

I think a lot of the people talking about how you just return to work later and pay for nursery if you need to are massively over simplifying, and ignoring the fact that just returning to work after years at home isn’t always that easy, and it is likely to be nigh on impossible to walk into a job that covers childcare for the four kids that OP is planning. Minimum wage is most likely, which makes paying for even wrap around care largely unviable.

I’m not saying that to mean that the OP or anyone else shouldn’t stay at home if that’s the right decision for them, I’m just saying that anyone saying you can just get a job and pay for childcare in the event of a future divorce, well I think they’re being highly unrealistic.

Hats off to you op, I’ve had a taste of being a SAHM with Dd during lockdown and it really isn’t for me!

Although I’m a single parent, so working and supporting us both has been such a intrinsic part of her entire life that I’d panic if I had to give that up I think.

Do you ever worry about your financial situation? If your dh met a ‘younger model’ turned nasty and turned his fam against you? I support all women in whatever choices they make, but I don’t think I could ever rely on someone else for my financial security, I would never feel safe for dd and I.

No I certainly dont worry about him trading me in for a younger model but that's because of a backstory that I'm not going to divulge.
I know that no matter what happens in the future both my DH and his family would care for DS and that is what matters to me most. At the minute I am doing what is best for my DS and the three of us as a family, if we ended up divorced then I have no doubts both myself and my DH would have my DS best interests at heart and we would cross that bridge if we ever came to it.

Sometimes you have to have faith OP and I sincerely hope things pan out for you as you hope. And I say that as a diehard feminist who frequently gets a hard time on these boards for insisting that women should value their financial independence more. Everyone is different and the right thing for one person is wrong for another. We all make our choices and it’s for us to take responsibility for any consequences, be that financial destitution and a lonely old age or crushing regret at not having spent more time with kids when little. My choices are very different to yours but you’d probably hate my life! It would be very boring if we all took the same path.

@TeddyIsaHe why would you ever get married or love or be in a relationship with anyone if that was a constant worry?

@BabyLlamaZen
Was thinking the same, a marriage is supposed to feel safe. Concerning how many women don’t. I’d be just as fucked if I worked and got divorced as I would be through not working and getting divorced. Not everyone earns lots of money and most would have to make adjustments through a divorce. Peoples mindset is crazy, and maybe a reason marriages don’t last any more

@BabyLlamaZen wanting to protect myself from financial ruin has nothing to do with love.

Dp and I will be getting a pre-nup before we get married because I own my home outright, have a decent wage/investments/pension/savings and he knows that everything I have worked for is for DD’s (and any other children we have) future.

Relying on a man for money and security doesn’t equate to love for me, personally.

"No I certainly dont worry about him trading me in for a younger model but that's because of a backstory that I'm not going to divulge.
I know that no matter what happens in the future both my DH and his family would care for DS and that is what matters to me most. At the minute I am doing what is best for my DS and the three of us as a family, if we ended up divorced then I have no doubts both myself and my DH would have my DS best interests at heart and we would cross that bridge if we ever came to it."

Oh dear. You'd be crossing the difficult bridge though OP with zero pension, job prospects, earning potential and most of the childcare expectation. That's the whole point. He'd be crossing a bridge where he has more free time, his money is his own, he can afford to set himself up in another place, has the same promotion opportunities he has now or even better.

Do you think many of the 2/3 marriages that end in divorce actually can envisage a time when their spouse would change beyond recognition, treat their wife/husband and kids like shit and resent providing money that the CMS tells them they don't have to?

You're leaving yourself completely at the mercy an unknown future and don't seem to want to acknowledge that. As for the backstory....most people have been cheated on or been hurt/had families and friends hurt through infidelity. They're always adamant they couldn't do it.....until they do.

"I’d be just as fucked if I worked and got divorced as I would be through not working and getting divorced."

No you wouldn't. Not even nearly

@youhave4substitutes

"I’d be just as fucked if I worked and got divorced as I would be through not working and getting divorced."

No you wouldn't. Not even nearly

Agreed. You’d have a full CV and pension contributions behind you, a job to go to, a life outside the home and therefore probably more confidence, skills and independence...the list goes on!

This work vs stay at home debate seems to be happening endlessly on MN at the moment. I fully support every woman’s right to make their own choices and don’t for one second judge anyone who chooses to be a SAHM but I do find it concerning how naive so many women are about the risks they’re taking. By all means choose to take those risks, but don’t deny they exist because that really is foolish.

I'm also a stay at home. However I have savings separate to any joint finances with my husband. I would like to hope we would never break up, however you can never be certain. There is also a chance that one of could pass away, so it's always best to have a nest egg.
So if possible op, I'd look at making sure you'd have some finances if the worst was to happen. Not even necessarily for if you broke up, but if dh lost his job would you be able to support yourselves for several months if needed whilst looking for other work?

I'm also a stay at home. However I have savings separate to any joint finances with my husband. I would like to hope we would never break up, however you can never be certain. There is also a chance that one of could pass away, so it's always best to have a nest egg.
So if possible op, I'd look at making sure you'd have some finances if the worst was to happen. Not even necessarily for if you broke up, but if dh lost his job would you be able to support yourselves for several months if needed whilst looking for other work?

rainycloudyday thank you for that response and I have the utmost respect for how you've worded it. We all have different priorities, different lives and different reasons and just because someone doesn't understand or agree doesnt mean it's wrong.

pebble yes we've made sure we have enough savings incase anything happened to DH job. Theres been various points made either side on this post and I'll certainly be looking at a few things.

It's a good idea to have some finances on your own if possible. For my entire working life I saved where I could, as I've always liked having it for a rainy day.
Obviously being a sahm, I do get the whole really financially on another person and my husband and I don't see if like that as it's our family money but often people struggle to understand why you share. I've just always made sure I have the funds if I needed if things went tits up.

What's your view on Marmite?

pebble we're both of the saving money type of people so it's worked well, hence us getting a mortgage aged 19. I'll have a look at different options for myself. Thank you.

whowouldof it's not something I eat regularly but I'm not a hater

@youhave4substitutes I absolutely would. When I was working I took home approx £1200. If I became a single parent and HAD to work, I’d need at least £1200 a month in childcare. And no I wouldn’t be earning more by now. So please tell me how that £1200 a month would help me 🤔

@WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat nail on head.

Do you split housework 50/50?

You're leaving yourself completely at the mercy an unknown future and don't seem to want to acknowledge that.**@youhave4substitutes

Everyone alive right now is at a mercy to an unknown future. No one knows what the future holds. We are all powerless when it comes to what the future holds. You can do things you think will make your future safer but you can't predict how things will turn out even with all the precautions in the world. Life is a game of luck and chance and trying to make the right decision in the moment with what you have. But no one can say they have all the power to control their own future. All you can do is try to be a good person and make good decisions. The rest is down to fate.

But no one can say they have all the power to control their own future. You’re not wrong however I’d like to think my own ability to earn a decent income will help me out if the shit hits the fan. But I’m not judging, OP sounds like she has done a risk assessment and concluded she thinks the chance of risk and outcome of the risk are worth it for her.