I'm a SAHM AMA

[MotherPiglet]

Go!

it all sounds lovely but please ensure you can support yourself financially if in a few years time your dh decides to leave and you've been out of the work place for years.

obviously includes pension which I bet your dh is contributing to his own each month.

@Thirdchild88

Do you plan to have more DC? How many?

How old are you?

Do you have any time away from your DC (pre lockdown) e.g. nursery, creche, family support?

Yes I plan to have atleast 1 more, I'd love 4 in total but also know how hard it can be so we will see.

I'm 27.

Nope no nursery or creche. We used playgroups a lot, my DS absolutely loved them and used to run off while I watched from a distance / other DC played with me 😂 I sometimes left him with DH's DM for an hour or so if I had something I wanted to get done and out of the way but generally it's only if I have appointments really. I know if I needed a break I could rely on her to have him in a heartbeat.

What are you back up plans if your divorce or your DH dies before DC are raised?

@Ragwort

I was a SAHM for 12 years, absolutely loved it, we had a comfortable lifestyle with no financial worries and I never felt 'judged' by anyone.

However I absolutely made sure I paid my NI contributions and was well aware that if my marriage broke up I would be in a difficult position. I did return to the job market and although I found a job that I love - it doesn't pay anything like the salary I earned before.

With hindsight, it was not a good decision to be a SAHM for economic reasons.

This is interesting, thank you for sharing. My own DM has only just stopped asking when I'm going back to work. She doesnt understand I want to be home with DS. Other people probably arent judging so much I just have her remarks in the back of my mind.

@Grobagsforever

What are you back up plans if your divorce or your DH dies before DC are raised?

If DH dies, life insurance and find a job.

If divorce, I would have to find employment and live with parents until I find somewhere new to live.

If DC weren't of school age my DMIL would look after them while I worked.

If DH dies, life insurance and find a job.

If divorce, I would have to find employment and live with parents until I find somewhere new to live.

If DC weren't of school age my DMIL would look after them while I worked.

Your husband wouldn't let you keep the martial home for your DC if you divorced?

You think your MIL would provide childcare if you were divorced from her son?

I think at 27 it easy not to think about your future, pension etc.

I have two friends who were SAHMs & their marriages broke up in their late 50s/60s both are in very difficult financial situations, one ended up living in a bed sit and one got housed in an 'alms house' - almost like the Workhouse days. One is now living with someone who isn't particularly nice just so that she has a roof over her head. The four adult children of one family don't even see their own mother as the father and step mother have a much more comfortable and exciting life to be part of.

grobagsforever Potentially, he would always want what is best for DS but it might be a case of selling the house and splitting the profit. It would depend on the circumstances, but neither of us are planning on getting a divorce so dont know what the circumstances would be.

Yes DS would still be DMIL grandson even if me and DH were divorced.

I’m also a SAHM, no questions just wanted to say I’m sure people aren’t judging you as much as you worry they are. If they are, leave them to it. I’ve met some SAHMs that judge working mums and vice versa. It doesn’t affect your life. Everyone is entitled to live their life however they choose.

These are my favourite threads as so different from my life. I went back to work when DT’s were six months (that being the normal maternity leave then). My career wouldn’t have survived if I’d taken a long break. Life would have perhaps been easier when DT’s were small if I hadn’t worked as we don’t have any family in the UK to help out, DH is a doctor with long hours and my job involves international travel and time away from home.

It all worked out well, DT’s have now finished Uni and DH and I both have reached a level in our careers which gives us options in both time and financial. I’m not sure I could have coped being a home when DT’s were at school with the day free to do what I wanted whilst DH was working to support us.

Ragwort we're always talking about retirement and pension and plans but I think we need to look at some security for me just incase anything happens.

That is such a sad story about your friend no longer seeing her DC.

Louise thank you! I think I've just come to expect the worst from everyone so assume people are judging. Maybe I'm a bit paranoid but you're absolutely right, I dont let it affect anything I do with DC, i love being a SAHM.

Parker231 Twins always interest me so much. I'm not sure what will happen when DC are at school as if I get a rare hour to myself now I feel a bit lost for what to do but hopefully I'll adjust and can do all the things I've not managed to do since having DC, or I'll seek employment if it becomes unenjoyable.

Ragwort I am sure lots of people have had a bad run with life. Shit happens to everyone weather your secure in work or secure as a stay at home mum. We all have stories of people splitting up and dying. Some come out the other side, some take longer. I am sure OP can imagine what can go wrong.

I'm a SAHM - I stopped working when I was pregnant with DC2 and we moved country and I couldn't work. I loved being at home with my babies but Its not the same now. They're 13 and 10 and aren't interested in Mummy any more. I'm like an old piece of furniture that's always been there and always will be . After 2 years of looking for a PT job (no childcare or support network so has to be PT) I finally got a job as a dinner lady in school. Which I'm really enjoying, but I don't see myself doing it forever.

Since I've been a SAHM, I've done a degree and am part way through a Masters, which has helped my brain not turn to mush. Hopefully this will help me return to work in the future.

At your age I thought I wanted to be a SAHM forever. I hope you do enjoy it forever, just be aware there may come a time when it isn't as fulfilling as it once was.

I don’t believe I’ll be a SAHM forever but for now I love it. 5 years since I’ve been a mum and that’s a long time, I think if you haven’t grown or changed much in that time then that’s quite concerning. For me the fun of life is in how it keeps going and changing. I will be at home a lot in some regard but DH and I have a few business plans we’re toying with and even now I certainly don’t ‘stay at home’. I’ve just completed a 1 year college course. I don’t believe in forever homes either, just sounds so stagnant 😄 so my advice would just be make sure you have stuff going on outside of the kids, and remember you are a stay at home MOTHER and not a houseWIFE, which is what a lot of SAHMs are regarded as IMO. I do bare minimum housework 🤣

Absolutely not. I've found lockdown very hard and cried lots. I'm not sure anyone has found lockdown easy.

Sorry you've found things hard. As a SAHM myself as I've noticed minimal difference to my life during lockdown although I've missed friends and time alone.
My children are older and it struck me if they were toddlers then things would've been so much easier on them and also easier for me to entertain them too.

What's the division of labour like between you and your husband? Do you both get equal free time and do you get time as a couple too?

@Okki that’s fantastic, well done! I plan on going to university once my youngest is settled in school. Hard to imagine at the moment; he’s 1 in August!

Micro I agree that bad things can happen to anyone but I do think that, as far as possible, it is better to be financially independent than rely on someone else for your economic security - I speak from personal. experience.

@notso

Absolutely not. I've found lockdown very hard and cried lots. I'm not sure anyone has found lockdown easy.

Sorry you've found things hard. As a SAHM myself as I've noticed minimal difference to my life during lockdown although I've missed friends and time alone.
My children are older and it struck me if they were toddlers then things would've been so much easier on them and also easier for me to entertain them too.

What's the division of labour like between you and your husband? Do you both get equal free time and do you get time as a couple too?

It probably has been easier on DS because he is so young but toddlers dont hold interest for very long so to try and keep things interesting or exciting he needs diversity. Previously we was out most days at playgroups or visiting family, exploring with friends, and then suddenly we had to stay at home. We couldnt see anyone or have our support network in person. I had to get inventive with ways to entertain him. We're doing well now but its been a tough ride. I'm the first of my friends to have a child so they dont really understand. My 'mum friends' of course get it but lockdown has been different for everyone as we all have different circumstances.

We both get time as a couple once DS is in bed. When he finishes work, he works with me as a team. He has worked from home since just before lockdown.

I think even taking children out of the equation, I would have found lockdown hard.

How much does your husband earn?

damn around 60k

Not enough for you to give your ideal 4 children much then?

I think that you sound very naive. You say you talk about pensions etc "all the time". If that is the case why have you seen out most of your twenties without a proper pension plan?

If you divorced you envisage moving in with your parents?! I couldn't live happily knowing I couldn't provide adequately for my children without someone else's income.

youhave4 you dont know where we live, what our home is like or what we already have. I dont know how you have come to the conclusion that we wouldn't be able to give 4 children a happy life, if you think life is about material things, that's your problem not mine.

I said I'd move back with my parents until I sorted myself somewhere to live. I was hypothetically speaking. Noone knows what the future holds. What if I worked, got divorced and lost my job so couldnt pay a mortgage? Noone knows what they'd do unless in that situation.