Im becoming a surrogate, AMA

[HotPotatoBlessMySoul]

Just had first transfer in hopes of becoming a surrogate for a friend.
Ask away.

Thanks Fenella

I admire you op.

Did you have any reservations?
If you have a partner what do they think?

Yes, all the health issues and what if I’m not as strong as I think I am?
I’d be crazy not to be a little worried, wouldnt I?

I am curious about why people choose surrogacy over adoption - it seems crazy to me.
I’m sure OP knows her friend’s reasons, but I’d suggest it has something to do with adoption being very difficult and also requiring commitment to often very traumatised children. Not everyone could do that.

If you know the baby isn’t yours, the name doesn’t go on the certificate, surely?

No, if you’re married to the woman giving birth, you’re on the certificate.

Do you think the research around epigenetics - that gene expression of the baby is influenced by the body of the woman who is nurturing the foetus, complicates this idea that you are just an incubator and not an active participant in the development of this child?

If childbirth leaves you significantly disabled for life will you resent your friends for asking you to take that risk for them? Will you still be able to smile sweetly and coo over their child?

Also- if you are injured or ill as a result of this will they replace your lost income for the rest of your life?

I thought paid surrogacy was illegal in the UK?

It’s not paid on the way you think.
I’m getting my expenses and time paid for.
I can assure you this is all very above board and been checked extensively.
I also can’t be dealing with typing out all legal shit I’ve been through.

OP you seem to have skipped my question about contracts not being enforceable in the UK.

You seem sure things will happen because it's in the contract. But if it's not enforceable then they can change their minds, or alter already agreed upon plans. Doesn't that worry you?

My husband isnt on my sons birth certificates as he isnt their father. Their father is

would you have done it without pay?
Yes, however I wouldn’t pay for the drugs needed nor the petrol or time from work etc.
He insisted.

I assume the pay you are getting is only to cover your provable expenses, OP, as it’s illegal to take any further pay in the U.K.

Yup all legal.

Do they just want you to carry one child, or do you think they’d ask you again if this is successful? How would you feel about that?

They know my feelings on this. It’s one child. They only want one anyway.

Do you not care that you are going to be traumatising a newborn baby, who could possibly (probably) have a lifelong attachment disorder and poor mental health as a result?

They only want one anyway.

So it it’s twins?

Have you got a plan in place for your family should the worst happen in childbirth? I did for my own dc and and discussed this with my dh so genuine question.
Should the worst happen do you think that would sit ok with your family?

My husband isnt on my sons birth certificates as he isnt their father. Their father is

Where they born during your marriage?

How much, in total, will the expenses be?

If they split up whilst you are pregnant who will you give the baby to?

Does the info about the importance of the "fourth trimester" concern you (or them, as far as you're aware) at all?

“ My husband isnt on my sons birth certificates as he isnt their father. Their father is”

That’s what I thought would happen....

Can’t believe I missed a consultation on surrogacy. Meh.

If childbirth leaves you significantly disabled for life will you resent your friends for asking you to take that risk for them? Will you still be able to smile sweetly and coo over their child?

Who knows unless it happens.

What expenses are there?

It's not really AMA is it, more pick and choose the questions you want to answer

Are you concerned for the potential baby and it’s grief and trauma at separation from you?
No. Baby is going to a loving home.
No concerns.
Have you actually researched attachment issues ? Because a baby bonds to its mother before birth,loving home or not they will be trauma.

And will they cover your lost wages for life if you can no longer work?

Will your husband be happy to be the sole earner for life if they refuse to replace your lost income?

What if you change your mind when you’re pregnant?

Do you think it's right that you're going to be raising your own children to believe that humans are 'gifts' to be given? And to believe that women are walking incubators for others to use as they wish?

Do you believe that everyone has a right to have children?

That’s a very black and white outlook isn’t it?
A gift is an easy way to explain to a 4 year old for now. As they get older things can be explained more depth, can’t they?
Hardly use as they wish, it’s my body, it’s my choice. I believe that.

I believe two people who love each other and have a stable home with stable jobs are entitled to try for a family however they wish.

Hi, how much are you getting npaid to carry the baby?

What will you do if they change their mind?

Adoption or termination. It’s not mine

I was told by the lawyer, the surrogates biggest fear is they are left with the baby and the ‘parents’ biggest fear is the surrogate won’t hand it over.