Im becoming a surrogate, AMA

[HotPotatoBlessMySoul]

Just had first transfer in hopes of becoming a surrogate for a friend.
Ask away.

Hardly use as they wish, it’s my body, it’s my choice. I believe that.

It's not your body your choice though. You said as much in your first reply

It’s their choice to terminate if they aren’t happy with any of the Down’s syndrome etc testing.

Are you deliberately being obtuse about the attachment trauma to the baby? Fgs we leave pups with their bitch for 8 weeks. Does no one explain this to you all so you can prepare?

I just asked you questions, that's all. You started an AMA on surrogacy.

I believe two people who love each other and have a stable home with stable jobs are entitled to try for a family however they wish

Really? So they could just nick one out of a pram, then? The only difference to the baby is an theoretical notion of ownership and consent.

No, if you’re married to the woman giving birth, you’re on the certificate

I’m not sure that’s right - been a while since I did family law so may have changed, but the mother can put a different father to the man she is married to or no one at all. I think the relevance of being married relates to parental responsibility, not being on the certificate.

What if the couple fall out of love or one or both lose a job, then? Are they still entitled to have a baby at the expense of another human's health (possibly)?

OP I thought we couldn’t pay surrogates here, sorry, misunderstood

I don’t know why you are eye rolling at adoption.

I’m not paid in that sense.
Someone works out roughly what it may cost, lost of earnings and other things, clothing, pregnancy tablets other things and that’s what you get in expenses, perhaps I’m not so good at explaining that in written words. But as I’ve said it’s very very legal. My friends have no desire to be caught out on this type of thing.

Do you not care that you are going to be traumatising a newborn baby, who could possibly (probably) have a lifelong attachment disorder and poor mental health as a result?

I see no reason for the child to have a disordered attachment.

I don’t know why you are eye rolling at adoption.

I’m not. I’m adopted myself actually I was eye rolling at the beautiful way that question was worded. So barbed and seemingly aiming to cause hurt.

Do you think it's ethical to remove a newborn baby from its mother to hand it over to strangers?

I’m not sure that’s right - been a while since I did family law so may have changed, but the mother can put a different father to the man she is married to or no one at all

For the parental orders I’ve been involved with, the surrogate’s husband was on the certificate but certainly has to give full consent to waiving his legal PR.

f the baby asks you when it's older why you gave them away, what will you say?

Why on earth will it ponder such a thing. It’s fathers are being straight with baby from as soon as they can.

What will you do if they change their mind?

Adoption or termination. It’s not mine
So the baby is a business transaction to be terminated if the purchasers change their mind or adopted to live with issues and trauma.

Do you think the men’s want for a babies is more important than the babies future life or lack of?

Did they pay for you to have time with a lawyer and a counsellor on your own to talk through the issues for you as the surrogate, before you tried to get pregnant?

I’ve received independent legal advice. And counselling. For both my husband and myself.

How much, exactly, will your “expenses” be?

Adoption or termination. It’s not mine

Fuck me that's cold.

Why on earth will it ponder such a thing. It’s fathers are being straight with baby from as soon as they can. You think the child won't ask where its mother is?

Same question as others is the pay only expenses or can they pay you more as a gift or something?

Also are you worried you’ll feel attachment to the baby after 9 months when he/ she is born?

No gifts etc. There is the recommended amount

It’s the hardest thing isn’t it.
I’ve said I’m not the type to get attached to baby’s whilst pregnant. It’s that fist cuddle and the hours after where I’ve slowly fallen utterly in love with my two. So I’m as confident as I can be that it goes straight to a daddy and I won’t cuddle or meet baby till I’m ready.
Clearly it could all go tor’s up. I’m not stupid but I’ve family and friends who’ll be be very aware and look after me.

What’s the recommended amount then?

One last one: do you think the baby will miss out on something by leaving you directly after he / she is born?

No. Baby is off straight away for skin to skin with a daddy. It will be loved.

There is the recommended amount

And what is it?

it’s nothing to worry about hahaha

How is that funny?

Will the baby have no mother on the birth certificate?

I will be on birth very, until it’s legally changed.

How do you feel about the 'fourth trimester'? There's been lots of research into it and how important it is for the emotional development of a child. Do you feel a bit sorry for the potential child who will be denied this? I know lots of adopted children don't get to experience this with their birth mother but that's usually because children who are removed at birth by social services are removed as presumably leaving them with their birth mother would be more harmful. But in this case that isn't the case, so what are your thoughts on this?

Not a question for you but I think you are extremely brave and it's a wonderful thing to do for your friends. I wish you the very best pregnancy, that baby is born healthy and well and that you should be immensely proud! grin

All the best 💖

Thank you for your kind words.