Im becoming a surrogate, AMA

[HotPotatoBlessMySoul]

Just had first transfer in hopes of becoming a surrogate for a friend.
Ask away.

Well yes. It's traumatic for a child to be removed. Even more so under bad circumstances. @Nomintrude but it is unavoidable.

I guess that could work. So to use the OP's situation, instead of being the surrogate she would remain legally the baby's mother and continue to co-parent with her two friends?

It would require that they treat her as a full parent with the same rights to that child as they have. Since the 'friends' got her to sign a contract saying that they, not she, get to decide if the pregnancy be terminated or not, I don't think they'd be prepared to do that.

Fair enough FourTeaFallOut. I just don't entirely see how it's different from anyone choosing to become a parent. Any child is going to be brought into an imperfect world and indeed an imperfect family by no choice of their own. Parents usually have children because they want them (or to meet a 'need' to use your phrase). Again it's not that different.

I realise this would be a baby being conceived deliberately to be part of a different family (not that of birth mother), with the separation this necessarily involves. You must have stronger views on that than me. I would assume that being placed for adoption from birth wouldn't be any worse for a child, emotionally speaking, than remaining with the birth mother assuming all other factors are the same (loving and stable parents etc). Is there evidence this isn't true?

It would require that they treat her as a full parent with the same rights to that child as they have. Since the 'friends' got her to sign a contract saying that they, not she, get to decide if the pregnancy be terminated or not, I don't think they'd be prepared to do that.

I just mean as a scenario. Not really the specific individuals involved in the OP.

Is there evidence this isn't true?

Not in terms of development and attachment, dependent on the pregnancy also being healthy and the mother not using substances or being subjected to high levels of stress etc.
It may however have an emotional impact in future years when the child finds out that they were adopted and tries to come to terms with why that might be. Surrogacy would be easier to explain but would still need careful handling.

This is sad. Children are not commodities to be bought and sold. It is a person and who knows how it will feel later on to know that its mum gave it away?

You are putting that emotional burden on someone else quite intentionally. I couldn't live with that.

Lots of thought about the wants of the adults involved, but please think about how the child might feel. Every chance they will feel rejection, no matter how great the household they're going to is. How can you do that to an innocent child?

There are so many children needing to be fostered/adopted, and children are not a right.

I think the OP has gone but here goes:
Will the child be able to access any information about the egg donor?
Especially regarding medical history and any genetic illness.

Will they be able to contact the egg donor when an adult like with sperm donors now?

How did the future fathers decide who donated the sperm?

You wrote earlier about a clause in the contract stating if there is a medical emergency your life takes precedence over the baby's.

Are you aware that this is already the case?

Whilst the woman is pregnant she is the patient and therefore has priority. Assuming you give birth in a hospital, once the baby is born they then become a patient in their own right and will have their own pediatric medical team.

There is very rarely a case where there is a direct choice as if removing the baby will save the mother's life it will be done. However there are grey areas, for instance if the baby is struggling and needs an EC but it's better to wait to stablise the mother first but her life isn't definitely at risk . The doctors will weigh up the risks and proceed from there.

The intended parent's wishes (whatever they were) would never be consulted. If you were unconscious and decisions needed to be made the medical team would speak to the next of kin, your DH.

Has his role as next of kin been discussed?

This is sad. Children are not commodities to be bought and sold. It is a person and who knows how it will feel later on to know that its mum gave it away?

It isn't being bought and sold. The couple want a child. The OP is helping to give them that child. She is not its 'mum', she is not giving it away because she doesn't want it, she's giving it to his/her 2 loving parents, who can explain it all to him/her later.
Quite the opposite from not being wanted.

She is not its 'mum'

UK law says she is.

Further to my post. If you're unconscious after the birth (general anaesthetic EC for example) and decisions needed to be made about the baby it would be your DH who would be consulted.

Has he agreed anything with the IP?

From a child's perspective, I do think he or she would feel their mum had given them away, no matter the technicalities that Cameron and Mitchell try to explain.

And even from an adults point of view, I still think there's a good chance they would feel rejected.

I know this happens in other life scenarios but in this case, it is unneccesary. Why set out to do this to another person?

This couple should not ask this of their friend. It's too much. They need to look at other avenues, such as adoption. That would be a lovely thing to do.

One of them at least is not the parent @LouMumsnet one of them is the genetic parent by neither are the legal parents at birth.

ahenderson no, that wasn't an opinion of mine, I paraphrased the OP. She is of the opinion that baby humans are gifts to be given away, as she is the one who used the term 'gift'. The thread is an AMA so I asked a relevant question. Not sure why you picked it up, so I have nothing to say in relation to the rest of your post.

It isn't being bought or sold

Money is exchanging hands.

When my friend was a young adult she discovered that who she thought was her mum was really her aunt and who she thought was her aunt was actually her mum. It was and is catastrophic to her.

If you are to be this child's godmother please do not keep the truth from them of who you really are. It will destroy them.

It is your blood running through his veins. So to say "it has nothing to do with me" he is "not mine"...well he IS! He has your blood running through his veins.

No. The baby has their blood running through their veins. There’s no mixing of maternal and fetal circulation.

My concern wasn’t for her husband and children (primarily). It’s for OP being left unable to work and support herself. Has her husband agreed to financially support and provide care for her for life if she is permanent disabled in providing a child for another family? That’s a really important detail to confirm before conceiving

Which is why the OP has explained - repeatedly- about the insurance policy in this regard

Insurance doesn't cover the emotional burden and psychological strain of caring for somebody both emotionally and physically.
Many relationships break down over caring responsibilities.

I think it's amazing what you're doing. Not sure if this has been asked before but will you take any maternity leave from work? Will you claim any maternity pay from the government if it's not provided through work?

Which is why the OP has explained - repeatedly- about the insurance policy in this regard

I can’t see where she has.

I don’t want to say RTFT but do a word search on ‘insurance’ andrefer to the OP’s highlighted posts (in green, unless you’ve customised( and you will see the x2 posts where OP expressly references’insurance’ and the surrounding discussion in this regard

OP - I like to think I would do something as altruistic as you are for a loved one. It’s perhaps easy for me to make this idealistic proclamation as I’m past childbearing age.

However, I would require compensation for lost wages, reimbursement of expenses and a bloody good income protection policy

Will they compensate you if you’re left with complications?
Yes. I’m getting a very good insurance policy.

This^? Does confirm anything about lost future income or a carer should it be needed.

OP if you’re still reading insist on all that being added to your insurance policy. And by “I’m getting” I truly hope you mean “they’re getting me” rather than you paying for it yourself!