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I lost a child 23 years ago at Dunblane. AMA

288 replies

dunblanemum · 13/03/2019 08:36

I have used this username a few times over the years but am a long time MN user.

I will answer any questions you have - apart from who my child was. I need a little privacy.

I am not doing this to whip up sympathy, i have made my peace with it. It is just in my mind today obviously and i know people i meet often have questions but feel embarrassed about asking. Ask away.

OP posts:

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/03/2019 09:30

Their own parent that is .


chipsandgin · 13/03/2019 09:30

Oh OP I can’t imagine dealing with the reality of having every parents greatest fear happen to you and your family, I’m so sorry for your loss.

No question, others have put it better & I realise you aren’t asking for sympathy - but my thoughts are with you & I’m glad you found a way to make peace with it Flowers


contrary13 · 13/03/2019 09:31

I am so sorry for your loss.

I remember the children and their teachers every year, in my own quiet way, as I'm sure an awful lot of us do.



Murphypoint · 13/03/2019 09:32

Dunblane is something that I always remember. The date and several names too. I have no direct connection with the exception of being a short drive away. May be that’s why I always remember. My thoughts are with you today OP.


Pinkmonkeybird · 13/03/2019 09:33

No questions from me, but just want to express how utterly sad and horrified I was at the time as my son was the same age as your child would have been when it happened. I remember my friend calling me at work in tears and asking if I had heard the news, I switched the radio on and couldn't believe it. My heart goes out to you and all who were affected. Flowers xxx


Frogshoe · 13/03/2019 09:34

I’m so sorry OP Flowers


SunnyScot89 · 13/03/2019 09:34

I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers I was 7 at the time so I didn't really understand what happened. Within a year we moved to a town near Dunblane, and we went to school with some of the kids that had previously been at Dunblane at the time of the shooting. I vividly remember the 1st anniversary. I can't imagine the pain and loss you have felt.
Have you stayed in the town? Did the support of the community help, or did you feel you needed to get away so you wouldn't be reminded every time you walked round the town?
How do you mark the anniversary?


Danni91 · 13/03/2019 09:34

Wow I didn't know about this. I would have been 5 in that year also.

I'm so so sorry for your loss that is truely horrific.

My question is : when (as I just did myself) people tell you they are 'so sorry' 'couldn't imagine' ect .. does this make you angry? Sad?

What feelings do you get from people telling you how sad and horrible the situation was/is?

I feel as it is something we could never truely understand no words can touch the surface but somehow, saying im sorry and I couldn't understand it feels so offensive and yet I and many others can not stop ourselves from doing so.

To lose a child in such a way do you feel grief by our responses?

Do you feel any anger towards the school for there safety procedures? Or lack of security?

All the best OP. I hope I don't offend you - feel free to skip straight past me if so, would never wish more hurt to you. X


killpop · 13/03/2019 09:35

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wee girl.

We just weren't concerned about who had access to schools back then were we. Did you ever have any concerns about security? Do you feel schools do enough now to keep schools and children safe?
How do you feel now about the perpetrator? Do you still carry a lot of anger towards him? Do you still wonder why he did it and if he could have been stopped? Or have you been able to successfully shut off from that?


anonymousbird · 13/03/2019 09:35

I don't have anything to ask you, but as with many I know exactly where I was when we heard that news. I was overseas on holiday with a journalist as it happens, so out of habit he went out early every day to get the papers, no internet of course so he always did this to stay up to date with what was going on.

Can picture us all now, round the breakfast table, with several UK papers. Heartbreaking.

I am so sorry for your loss.


StoppinBy · 13/03/2019 09:36

I actually had not heard of this until I saw your post, I am in Australia and was 10 at the time.

I am so terribly sorry that your baby went through that and I am so very sorry that you and your family had to live through something so terrible. The cruelty that some people can inflict knows no bounds sadly.

I am in awe of the strength that people show to get through the tragic loss of a child, tonight before I lay my head on my pillow I will give each of my children an extra kiss while counting my blessings and sending my love though to your child and your family xx


oh4forkssake · 13/03/2019 09:36

Thoughts with you and all the families today OP, as they are every year. I was 19, and I'll never forget the faces of all those children or Gwen Mayor. May they all rest in peace.


Gruzinkerbell1 · 13/03/2019 09:38

I was 13 when this happened and remember it very clearly. I'm so sorry OP. I have no questions, just wanted to pass on my condolences Flowers


Honeypickle · 13/03/2019 09:40

No questions from me but my deepest deepest sympathies on your tragic loss. I'm glad you have the support of a loving family x


SausageMashandOnionGravy · 13/03/2019 09:42

I’m so so sorry. I remember clear as day seeing the news flash, I was off school poorly in bed, I’ve often thought about the families involved, even more so now I have children. My sister in law lives in Dunblane, we’ve visited a few times, it’s such a beautiful sleepy place.

I don’t have a question I just wanted to say how sorry I am and that we (my parents too) often think about the families that this happened to.


WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/03/2019 09:44


OP said in an earlier post she has moved away now .


TiredTodayZzzz · 13/03/2019 09:45

So sorry I can't begin to imagine the pain Flowers

I was the same age and in P1 when this happened and I remember how much it upset my mum. She used to light a candle every anniversary and sit it at the window.

How did you cope when your younger children started school? I know there was security changes in schools after Dunblane but I can only imagine it must have still been worrying for you.


Auldspinster · 13/03/2019 09:45

I can remember it like yesterday, I was 21 and at work in an office in Edinburgh, we all sat in disbelief as the news came through. My dad had attended a work awayday at Dunblane only a few months earlier.

Thoughts with you opFlowers.


DorothyGherkins · 13/03/2019 09:48

I was working in a primary school in England at the time it happened. The year after it was decided that all the children would get a few snowdrops to plant on the school lawn in remembrance - they all brought their wellies to school for a snowdrop planting day. The younger ones I m not sure if many of them understood the relevance, but all the teaching staff had a tear in their eye. I ve moved a few times since then, but in each garden I make sure I plant some snowdrops - I shall never forget those poor young innocents. Love to you xx


Tootyfilou · 13/03/2019 09:50

I too remember that day so clearly, my daughter was in reception and our little school bought two flowering cherry trees in honour of the Dunblaine children.
Sending all my love 💐💐💐


WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/03/2019 09:51

@Dorothy , that's lovely .


ButtMuncher · 13/03/2019 09:52

Hi OP - I've no questions, but I always think of you whenever the anniversary comes up, I know you've been posting a long time and you are often in my thoughts around this time of year, as are all the victims and families. Your strength is remarkable Thanks


Lancelottie · 13/03/2019 09:52

I am so sorry for your loss. I too remember it vividly -- DH was on his first day back at work after paternity leave and he rang me in utter shock. Sorry, not good at expressing this, but parents' hearts everywhere were with you.


PotolBabu · 13/03/2019 09:52

I too have no words. Your children are not forgotten at all. I watched the 20th commemoration and thought about them all. I hope the good memories you have are bringing you joy and peace on this dreadful day.
I have a question: did you reach out to the parents of those who died at Sandy Hook? As a British person who has lived briefly, with small children in America, I was so scared. My kids went to a Jewish school and for a while we had armed guards outside. It makes me so angry that Sandy Hook achieves no legislative changes.
I hope you had a good walk with the dog.


BettyDuMonde · 13/03/2019 09:53

I am so sorry for your loss.

Life can be so unbelievably unfair.

Do you have any recommendations for coping with/healing from bereavement in violent or otherwise tragic circumstances?

Explanation for question: My friend was murdered in a random wrong place/wrong time type situation back in 1999. His parents have never recovered from their loss, although they do credit the charity ‘Support After Murder and Manslaughter’ with getting them through the early days, along with their initial police liaison officer, who stayed in touch for some years.
Their lives have been profoundly changed (he was an only child, in his early 20s) and sadness hovers over them, even in happy times.

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