Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


I lost a child 23 years ago at Dunblane. AMA

288 replies

dunblanemum · 13/03/2019 08:36

I have used this username a few times over the years but am a long time MN user.

I will answer any questions you have - apart from who my child was. I need a little privacy.

I am not doing this to whip up sympathy, i have made my peace with it. It is just in my mind today obviously and i know people i meet often have questions but feel embarrassed about asking. Ask away.

OP posts:

Anothertempusername · 13/03/2019 10:38

OP I just wanted to say how brave you are for talking about your tremendous loss. You are in our thoughts today especially. Xx


MrsJayy · 13/03/2019 10:38

I guess you are left in peace is a good thing. We know one of thego to people and they handle things well.


dunblanemum · 13/03/2019 10:40

MrsJayy I must know your person too - seeing as i know all the families to some extent!

OP posts:

Ruperbear · 13/03/2019 10:40

So so sorry for your loss. You a an amazing person and I admire your courage.
My only question is ..
Have you ever thought of becoming involved in organisations that assist families and friends in dealing with tragic incidents like this. I think you would be great. Your attitude is admirable and I think you would be a real ambassador to such groups.
I wish you all best wishes and please remember your little one and all the others are not forgotten. Xx


Riversguidebook · 13/03/2019 10:41

Firstly this is brave and commendable thing to do, to open up questions Flowers Thankyou for allowing people this opportunity to ask.


Did the incident make you more philosophical about life?
For example did it make you feel that everything’s out of your control regardless, and that whatever happens in the future, what will be, will be, sort of thing?

I’ve made one of my children terrified of independence because of my over protectiveness (they have a violent absent dad) and she can barely even walk through the school gates by herself, so I often wonder if I just relinquish control would it help both of us.

Also, did you become involved in any support campaigns afterwards at any time, and if so did it help your grief?
I often notice that parents who have experienced this loss will throw themselves into a campaign of some sort to raise awareness related to their incident.



WooWooWitchetyWoo · 13/03/2019 10:42

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I was working a few miles away that morning and still remember all the sirens, and the sense of panic when it all started coming through. A colleague lost their daughter too that day. I don't think it will ever be forgotten.


magimedi · 13/03/2019 10:43

I have no questions. I remember the day so very clearly.

Just sending you Flowers & am in admiration of you & the way you have spoken of this atrocity.


donkeyshrekmom · 13/03/2019 10:43

I'm so sorry for your loss and admire you greatly for being so strong and open. It's good to know that you have been able to rebuild your life after something so horrific. I remember I was living in Italy when the news broke and I picked up an Italian paper and struggled to understand what had happened. The atmosphere in the UK must have been of stunned shock. I found it awful then, but now that I'm a Mum, and I look at photos of mine when they were five, it makes my blood run cold.


MrsJayy · 13/03/2019 10:43

They didn't have a child at school but they were involved with the snowdrop campaign.


dunblanemum · 13/03/2019 10:46

I am in awe of you. I meant to ask regarding you being at peace with it - are you religious/do you have faith or was it a question of keep going for your younger child/time healing to a degree? Did your relationship survive? Did therapy help?

Don't be in awe of me. I am a very normal person and i have my flaws!

I would say i was fairly religious when it happened but i think any faith i had dwindled afterwards. I think is was keeping things normal for my child that got me through. She spent a week with no routine, eating sweets and being showered with gifts. Then the day after the funeral i snapped to and got her routine back and got life on track in as normal a way as possible.

DH and i are still together. It was hard but we recognised that sometimes we needed space and we didn't always feel the same thing at the same time.

Therapy was the single best thing that helped us all through, in particular one fantastic worker who worked with us all as well as lots of my friends. This worker is now a very close friend.

OP posts:

justonemoreminutepls · 13/03/2019 10:47

I've always been spooked by the fact that someone I know was in that year at school but survived only to be killed in a traffic incident as a young teen.
So horrific.



YouWinAgain · 13/03/2019 10:47

So sorry for your loss Flowers

If it's not too personal can I ask, do you talk about your child to others? And does your younger DC remember her?


SirVixofVixHall · 13/03/2019 10:50

I should add that your strength and fortitude are inspiring op. Obviously none of us know how we would react in this situation, but I think the anger would consume me. You sound the most incredible woman and mother. I wonder what you do for a living, but realise posting that would be very outing.


dunblanemum · 13/03/2019 10:52

If it's not too personal can I ask, do you talk about your child to others? And does your younger DC remember her?

I don't talk about her much really. I don't tell new people i meet about what happened unless i feel there is a good reason to. I have two living children and i would much rather talk about them as they are rather wonderful young women!

My DD remembers her sister but whether that is through proper concrete memories or us talking about her and showing her photos i don't know.

OP posts:

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 13/03/2019 10:53

Again, thank you for replying. You will be in my thoughts today.
And all the best to you and yours.


WineGummyBear · 13/03/2019 10:54

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and so pleased to hear about your lovely daughters.


MrsJayy · 13/03/2019 10:55

I would think your Dd2 will have memories maybe not clear but she will have her own 3 year old memories of her Sister.


Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 13/03/2019 10:55

I too am in awe of you. I have been through (what I consider to be) extremely traumatic events in my life, and faced a lot of deaths within my immediate family, within months of each other. The loss of one of my DC would tip me right over the edge, and I'm not sure I would ever recover. To lose one in the same circumstances as Dunblane, would render me incapable of anything other than anger, and wanting answers. You sound absolutely amazing OP, and I wish I had half of your composure


WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/03/2019 10:55

You sound a really lovely lady OP . Flowers

Thinking of the children and the parents on this day, as always .

God Bless You .


MyBreadIsEggy · 13/03/2019 10:56

As others have said, I am completely amazed by your strength OP Flowers
The fact that you bear no anger towards the perpetrator or anyone else involved is truly amazing - you’re a better person than me.
My only question is how do you get to that point? Was it a conscious decision early on because as you said, no amount of anger can change what happened? Or was it something that just naturally happened over time?
Its a different situation, but I lost a close friend in Afghanistan 7 years ago, and I still feel sheer rage when I think about it. And I can’t see a time where I will ever feel anything but anger towards the people responsible for his death.

I think it’s fair to say, your DD, all the other children and the teacher who lost their lives that day will never be forgotten Flowers


dunblanemum · 13/03/2019 10:58

SirVixofVixHall Yes it would be outing in the extreme!

OP posts:

Bowerbird5 · 13/03/2019 11:00

She probably does. I was three when my baby sister died and I have memories of my mum being sad and the house we lived in. My mum was astonished to hear me talking about when we lived in that country.

I once talked about the open steps on the back of the house( I have a clear picture in my head of walking carefully up those steps) and she couldn’t believe it and said, “ You were 18 moths old when we left that house. “
So I am sure she will have some memory of her.


Chickenwings85 · 13/03/2019 11:01

I have nothing to ask but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you. Your child as well as all of the others are never far from my thoughts. Lots of love to you.


dunblanemum · 13/03/2019 11:02

The fact that you bear no anger towards the perpetrator or anyone else involved is truly amazing - you’re a better person than me.
My only question is how do you get to that point? Was it a conscious decision early on because as you said, no amount of anger can change what happened? Or was it something that just naturally happened over time?

I have never felt anger towards the perpetrator. I recall the day it happened sitting with tears running down my face and saying that i would not direct any anger or any other emotion at him because that what he wanted. And i never have. I give him as little space in my mind as i possibly can.

OP posts:

TheMuminator2 · 13/03/2019 11:05

So sorry fopr you loss xx Do you think it is good when shows like Grerys Anatomy make ref to it?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?