Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

It's the playing her part in tearing up a family with a young child that bugs me the most. People never forget Op. They'll be nice to your face of course!!!

"Love is love regardless of how it started." So when he falls in love with someone else & leaves YOU you'll be absolutely fine with that?

If it is niteandfog there's been a LOT of hurt caused by the affair to the DC as well as both affair partners exs.

If not - there's still been a lot of hurt caused to OP'S h's exw & daughter, however much op tries to deny it.

I think I saw NiteandFog on another thread earlier with a new name, still complaining that his kids don't want to know the pair of them. It's all the ex's fault of course!

OP it takes a certain type of person to have an affair - completely self-centred and devoid of empathy.

I've known 2 women who had affairs - one was married and shagged her husband's brother several times, got her eldest teenage daughter to get her the MAP and lie to her dad about it, then had an affair with someone else who she later left the marriage (and the children) to be with. That was my mum, and I was the eldest daughter.

The second was my SIL (husband's brother's wife). She was the OW while BIL was still married to his first wife. They eventually got married and a couple of kids later she left him for someone else.

Both women were/are pretty cold when it comes to empathy. My mum pretends to empathise, but she's a narcissist and is completely fake. (She also voted for Brexit because people were infiltrating our country ). Ex-SIL was also completely devoid of empathy and was a judgy cow.

The men in this situation, my dad is no angel, but he's a decent guy who tried his best after being a SA survivor and pretty abusive childhood. Brought up my little sister alone whilst my mum didn't want to know and out of both my parents is the solid one, the one who I know I can rely on.

My BIL is a dick and pretty much deserved whatever ex-SIL threw at him TBH. 8 kids to 5 different women, doesn't see 6 of them and pays for none of them.

My view is probably jaded after having to lie for my mum whilst knowing she was shagging my uncle, and then her OM. But I do know I couldn't really associate with someone who had affairs, not my type of person really.

@Monkey, @Mistress and @Graphista - I am not niteandfog, completely different situations. Use advanced search to read about her if you so wish.

As I have said before regardless of how a relationship begins there is always a possibility of falling out of love.

@Kumanaay - I am a parent to my DSD and get on with her mum so there is no ill will from them just mumsnet it seems.

This isn't really an AMA is it? You've not answered how long your affair was, anything much related to the act of cheating. You just seem to want a chance to tell everyone how great things are and how well suited you are. Isn't Instagram or FB a better medium for that kind of self congratulatory crap?

@Luna - I answered your question up thread

@Luna - I have answered 25 questions.

Yet you haven't addressed anything specific. I can understand why. It probably wouldn't be easy to admit to sneaking around for X amount of time, or how long he allowed his wife to believe they were in a monogamous relationship and the decisions she made based on that, how often he neglected his child to conduct the affair. How much pain was caused or whether you feel any guilt. It's all a bit unpleasant really isn't it? Much easier to just gloss over all of that and talk about how well suited you are.

@Luna - we had an ‘emotional affair’ for 1 year before we slept together. In total it was 1.5years.

I won’t be too specific as I do know other mumsnet users.

There was no child neglect. Don’t be so ridiculous. We work for the same company so we could easily see each other whenever we wanted.

To address your other point I can only answer the questions that have been put to me. That is why I have tagged the user with the response.

Why is it ridiculous to assume that a man sneaking around conducting an affair might not have his responsibilities to his child at the forefront of his mind? What about how he was treating his child's mother? The deception, disrespect, gaslighting. You don't think that had an impact? You think that was a happy time in their household?

I don't respect my (ex)friend - who cheated on her husband and left him for the OM. She hypes up the new relationship and glosses over the fact neither of her daughters really talk to her these days.

Her old friends don't have much time for her. She used us as unknowing and unwilling alibis when she was playing away behind her husbands back. We all had a relationship with her and her husband as a couple.

The OM has approached several of us and been over friendly. When he finally gets caught cheating on her and the relationship fails - I cannot see her getting much support.

So either you were shagging at work - which is unprofessional at best.

Or you were shagging OUTSIDE work which means he WAS spending time with you he SHOULD have been spending with his family and that INCLUDES time with his dd.

If you're not Nite & Fog you do sound like her. So, the same comment stands. You just protest your suitability too much for it to sound plausible.

& given that there have been several threads on this subject, and I'm sure you've been on some of them - your mentionitis about your affair and happy ending sounds hollow.

You so want people to ask you about your affair. You've explained it elsewhere yet here you are starting a thread about it. Has to be a reason for your attention crave.

A lot of us have partners and just get on with it well enough.

Anyway that's enough of feeding this silliness

You are not a fucking "parent" to the child whose life you imploded. My God. I am not sure I have ever come across anybody so deluded and narcissistic. You're not my ex-h's OW are you?

@Mistress - nope definitely not NiteandFog. She does seem a bit of an icon on mumsnet doesn’t she. For one I wasn’t nor had I ever been married before but she was. I didn’t have children she does. My DH and I have primary custody of his daughter and I gather she doesn’t see her children or his children and I could go on.

As I have said before I have probably commented on three threads around affairs so hardly parading my life on mumsnet.

My sole purpose of staring this thread was I was quite surprised by the vitriol directed to women who had been involved with married men. I actually wanted to see what questions I would be asked.

As before no definitely don’t crave attention and the threads I have commented on make up a tiny percentage of threads on mumsnet so again I’m hardly attention seeking am I. Unless you can give me specifics?

@FormidableMrsC - I am a parent to my DSD. She is very much my child.

I was kind of the other woman. Both me and my dh were in relationships with violent people abused us both physically and emotionally. We got chatting as friends and co workers and eventually told each other about what we were suffering at home and I guess we started having an emotional affair (nothing physical happened until we both ended our relationships) we were not married and neither of us had any children but I'm still not proud of it we are married now and have a dd and our exes are just awful memories out ruining other people's lives those 2 deserved each other.

I'm reading this as you're being a bit smug op. You blew a family's world apart.

OP, she is NOT your child. What an insult to her mum. You disgust me.

If it took his wife 1.5 years to find out about you, how do you know he isn’t currently having another affair? How many affairs did he have throughout his marriage?

You've TWICE ignored my questions - which I personally think is not in the spirit of ama - you're cherry picking and only answering the questions it suits you to ask.

You are NOT her parent. And "primary custody"? What does that mean?

Does that mean as it looks that not ONLY did you actively participate in the blowing up of this poor woman's marriage - you have also taken her child?

I have no words - or at least none that wouldn't get me banned

@pipeup - no not smug at all. I am on friendly terms with my DHs ex wife so there is no ill feelings. As I said before do I wish things had started differently of course I do but they didn’t and we are where we are. No smugness in that whatsoever.

@MrsC - a stranger on the internet shouldn’t disgust you. Would you rather I had a shit relationship with my DSD and treated her different to my own child? Would that sound better to you? Fortunately my DSDs mum is happy that her daughter has a stepmum who loves her.

@Candy - out of that 1.5years we actually were only having a relationship for 6 months as the first year was more on an emotional level and nothing physical had happened.

He did have other affairs in his marriage. He had one other long term affair many years before he met me.

Well that is a question isn’t it. I don’t believe he would have ended his marriage then marry me to just have another affair. It could happen of course but it could happen to anyone.

The fact you say 'she is very much my child' tells me everything I need to know about you.

@Graphista - you asked if I was another poster. I answered that question.

We were able to leave work. At times when my DSD would be at school.

In regards to primary custody:

My DSDs mum has a job which takes her away from home at times therefore out of 7 days per week she will have her for 3 days and us 4 days. However if she is away with work longer then we will maybe have her more. This is an arrangement that works for us and we don’t stick to it ridgedly because as I said we are all adults and put DSD first.

Don’t be so hysterical you cannot take someone’s child

As I said before would it be preferable for me to be the wicked stepmum instead of loving my DSD like my own. Of course I’m not her mum and she certainly doesn’t call me mum but we have a close relationship.