Op I keep coming back to you I don't know why - I have to put this stuff on here before I get involved in day to day life otherwise it will be gone.
I've said I've posted my story on MN in the hope that it will save someone going from the hell ive been through - who knows maybe this is you - but when you first said you've been reading my posts I became defensive - this the the legacy of trust issues, of having people not believe what you are saying. Of people who are meant to love you treat you worse than the shit on their shoe. Of prossionals ripping you off when you are most vulnerable of parents who are meant to love their kids unconditionally not being able to.
Where I am talking from now is the heart - the paragraphs of crap you refer to - there are others on here doing the same I recognise them. Some people genuinely do want to help you but when this gets mixed with their own pain that they are still dealing with and which then gets triggered by stuff on here - well it gets lost!
I ask about your father because up u til 5 years ago I would have said I had a good realtionship with my DF - this started to change when my Dm died and has now changed to something I struggle to deal with. I chose my x because he was like my DF - he was in some ways - all the things I thought made a good DF - but I have seen my X put his own needs above those of his kids just like my own DF!
It's all documented on my threads. We all do things we think are for one reason - somewhere down the line it may be apparent that it was for a completely different reason - everything is a test a lesson to see where are strengths and weaknesses lie - can we remain"true" under stress under pressure under temptation. This takes great soul searching we have to look at our ugly parts and some are truly ugly but this is the only way we become free the only way to experience what true happiness is!
I can't post my who,e life story on here but looking back now there were times when my marriage could have collapsed - maybe I was not strong enough to deal with it - maybe I felt I always needed someone - maybe I felt I wouldn't cope maybe I felt I wasn't good enough! I suffer with depression - so does my DB my DM Also had MH issues - the only one who did not my DF - well not diagnosed anyway - he has to tell himself a story otherwise the truth will probably destroy him. I don't wish him I'll he is my DF I love him!
We all love as best we think we can - but we are capable of so Much more but our own pain gets in the way - we have to work on our own pain - no one else can take this away - no amount of material trappings can take this away - but it is tough and time consuming and takes courage!
My world got turned upside down - I have explored everything - but I'm still learning too - I want to be able to love unconditionally - to not have my own pain triggered- is this achievable - I know it's achievable if you remove yourself from day to day life but is it possible in the society we live in - I don't know I'll let you know.
You have a lot going for you - you have the outside indicators of a good life i.e. Financially independent a good job your looks but something is still missing - this is in you - your DH is not going to fulfill this part - don the let him destroy the rest of you!
We lose ourselves looking for love in the wrong places - so many women on here give there all and then get discarded - but we are not discarded we have been given a chance we are the lucky ones - I have to start learning to use the right words - words are so important use positive instead of negative - it influences your whole outlook on life!
I have a question for you now but it's for you to answer - do you think that someone who posts on here to the lengths I do would not have tried to communicate with their x when things were not right - or do you think I would have just brushed it under the carpet! I am incapable of ignoring stuff when it matters - someone referred to this as harassment I thinK - and yes my X accused me of harassing him too - but i think it could also be seen as persistence, not giving up, caring about something when there is no actual benefit to yourself!
Have you ever seen someone do this - an act of kindness when they have been through hell and a far worse hell than mine - a compliment to a Down syndrome girl that her hair looked nice died purple - most people shy away from this - don't know how to deal with people who are different - it made her day I can tell you and stopped me in my tracks.
We all make mistakes none of us are perfect - I've made mine - when you can see someone beyond their mistakes even though their pain triggers you you are getting somewhere!
The reason I've been on here so much - I learnt last week that someone who paid me an act of kindness when I needed it committed suicide - his funeral is this week. I don't know his full story but I know he was divorced and had two beautiful daughters - two grown up beautiful daughters - that you would think would give his life meaning - but it wasn't enough - why - if only we knew the answer to this - we all live behind masks - because we are all fragile, we are all hurting all we need is an act of kindness and it can change our whole outlook just in a second. Why this has to come from a complete stranger and not from someone who "loves" us again because our pain is greater when we are with someone who loves us - someone mentioned that we are supposed to encourage people help them grow even more so when you have made marriage vows - how many people can honestly say they are able to do this - not many because we are living in a fucked up world where our priorities are sqewed.
As someone who had to answer that suicide question during counselling - it doesn't come from a logical place - it comes from a place of despair - a place too many people get too but really shouldn't - just an act of kindness and the whole mood can evaporate!
As someone who had to take a telephone call from the school telling me that my Ds had googled how to kill yourself - I have been on both sides - my x dismissed this as a schoolboy prank - who is really going to admit to this - we are supposedly in an age where MH is understood yet people still do not talk freely about this! Suicide is seen as a weakness - the level of despair someone must be at to override our natural survival instinct must take immense strength. Not something that we think about often enough.
Well I have this week - we never know what we may say that may trigger someone else to this point - when we could say something completely different and save them. this is my aim going forward - I shall bear this in mind when my own pain is being triggered because somebody else may be on the point of despair hiding behind a mask.
If anything I have said has caused you pain I apologise! I think I said this before I wish you well as much as I am able to under these circumstances and I mean this because if you read my posts and it turns your life around and is far better than you can imagine right now then it will be worth it - its about the kids - always about the kids!