Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

I have a question for you, Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit if you don't mind.

When you were setting up with your now husband, was he honest with you and transparent about his finances and how he was taking care of his ex-wife and child in that respect?

He sounds as if he has plenty of money, I just wondered if he'd been scrupulously fair and generous to his ex. I hope he was - and continues to be.

A supplementary question to that then - Would you have been accepting of him if he hadn't been decent to his family?

It's honestly not any kind of pop at you or him - I know of plenty of men who are not having affairs, (who are quite probably faithful-by-default) who do not make provision for their wives and children.

There's not an OW thread that's ever gone well, it's mostly like this and I don't understand why posters so badly affected don't swerve them, but they don't. No other topic causes so much outrage... ever!

Hello Lying he was completely honest about finances, I am not stupid when it comes to money and neither is he.

He discussed his proposal for their settlement with me and it is generous. We have an unusual situation as we are have primary custody.

No it would have disgusted me as I am all too aware of how women are screwed over financially when they divorce.

There's not an OW thread that's ever gone well, it's mostly like this and I don't understand why posters so badly affected don't swerve them, but they don't. No other topic causes so much outrage... ever!

Finally someone with common sense. I agree that is why I never started this thread in relationships and it has a very clear thread title but some people can’t help themselves it would seem.

I’m ambitious and I know exactly what I want.

Yeah, you're not wrong there. You wanted someone else's husband and you got it.

It is interesting to hear this perspective but on a website full of mothers with a husband and young children on the whole adultery is never going to go down very well.

I remember talking to a married man (we were not involved in any way but they seem to thnk I am good to confide in because I'm divorced and single I suppose) about him falilng in love with another woman. In the end he did leave his wife and marry her but I was disappointed when once the first child arrived of marriage 2 despite him saying this was it for him for life, true love, second time around, he was still going to cheat. Not everyone is like that but a lot are.

Poor, poor, struggling man, trying desperately to escape OP's wiley, womanly clutches and failing miserably. The poor little mite, forced for forsake his wedding vows and everything... Dragged kicking and screaming away from his wife. Didn't stand a chance.

HE chose this. HE made the active choice to cheat on his wife and leave her. All of it.

Would you call yourself a feminist?

The OPs husband didn't start this thread, did he , Lying ?
He's just a weak person led by by private parts .
I wonder if his third wife will be half Italian....hmm..maybe , maybe not...but she'll be half his present one's age !

Your posts are really quite aggressive, Ophelia but they're not the only ones.

The ridiculous assertion that women should be responsible for policing another woman's marriage is risible. Men can and do refuse to have affairs, happens every day that. The ones that don't hold back, do - and they are the ones responsible. Every single time.

A faithful man is just that, faithful. No OW-in-waiting could 'steal him away'. Not a one. Some men do not hold their marriages/relationships in a high enough regard and they choose to engage in affairs. That's on them.

Are the affair partners selfish? Yes, of course they are, they've put their own wants/desires first. The ones that are committed elsewhere are answerable to their spouses/partners but make no mistake about it, they choose to cheat, actively do not care or love their spouses (in my opinion) because if they did, they wouldn't do it.

Ratherer pointless comment about my posts, Lying 🤑

Your posts have been pointless, Ophelia, just sneery and a bit nasty. Regardless though, this is OP's thread and I'm not going to derail it with you.

Good plan Lying !

You have come back and gone again OP but haven't answered my question at all. I will try again:
Why do you think it is usually men who are the older partners in age-gap relationships? You could nearly be your husband's daughter. Why do you think it is usually women who are much younger and not the other way around or at least some sort of balance?
Why?

Santa - It could be numerous reasons including Stability, Maturity or Financial security. I have always preferred men who are older but I know women who prefer to date a younger man.

What does it matter?

Lying - I wouldn’t engage with her. Her favourite pastime is to abuse strangers on the Internet as demonstrated in this thread.

I also could not be my husbands daughter.

Xenia - that is why it is in the ‘ask me anything’ topic with a clear thread title rather than the relationship or chat board. If it is a particularly upsetting topic then posters can chose to hide the thread.

It's not a goady thread as much as an absolutely hateful one.

It was always going to be emotive, but it could have been restrained and stopped at that. Hell, even the asinine comments about being a walking, 'half Italian' wet dream didn't need to push it into hatefulness. They just made OP look really, really silly.

What did it for me was continually insulting people who were hurt by the subject matter (no way OP didn't know they were there, and no reason why putting an AMA in AMA is so noble), calling their pain 'hilarious' and generally being very evasive and intellectually dishonest when the line of questioning didn't go the way she planned. There's another ongoing AMA from someone having a long term affair and it couldn't be more different.

OP, for all your 'I am allowed to post what I want' and 'I am so noble because I stuck an AMA in AMA' and 'people don't have to respond' etc etc...you must have realised that you were going to attract people who have been deeply hurt by situations like this. To go on and insult them and their pain?

Hateful.

Again Ayn you have misinterpreted my responses.

Actually the Italian comment was supposed to be sarcastic and was in response to a poster saying my looks would go downhill and I would lose my body when I’m 40. again I have already explained this which you have chosen to ignore as it doesn’t fit in with your ‘The Op is hateful’ agenda.

I was having insults directed to me long before I ever replied in the same vein and I never said that people’s pain was hilarious.

again you are choosing to read and interpret it to fit what you, along with certain other posters want to believe

How was I evasive was it because I didnt answer questions about my dad, my achievements or my babies actual age?

Santa, I'd think that the older man/younger woman relationship could possibly be for patriarchal reasons; many (if not most) men do not want an older woman, they want a younger one. I know there are exceptions to this as there are men who are with/prefer older women but I think these are very much in the minority.

I'm thinking of that rag, 'Take a Break' and some of the sensationalist stories in it - for an older man/younger woman to be in it, there has to be decades difference. Not so for an older woman/younger man scenario. I also think that women particularly would just an older woman/younger man relationship in the same derogatory way that men might. But men do not comment negatively on older man/younger woman set-up as that's seen as desirable and/or trophy and/or something to aim for.

Just my thoughts anyway. I prefer older men, always have, Donald Sutherland (83 last Tuesday was always my heartthrob since I was about 14 - I'm 49 now).

Ayn, it might be a distasteful subject for many but I think it's unfair to refer to the OP and her thread as 'hateful'. There are hundreds of threads that I actively dislike on here and a good dozen that are deeply offensive to me. I don't read them. It would be a nonsense for me to know how much I dislike those topics, open them and then post on them.

People can post on whatever thread they want to but why seek out threads that they know will hurt them? Why do they feel entitled then to berate the OP of a clearly titled thread that they know in advance that they will not like the subject matter of? Madness.

This OP is no different to any other OP and 'owes' nothing yet somehow it's expected of her as if she has to 'make up' for the shortcomings of other posters' cheating partners. How is that fair?

I've been on both sides of this, a cheated-on partner and an OW and I can see from both sides but again, that's just my perspective. I know that if I were still feeling wretched about my partner's cheating, I wouldn't be on this thread. Posters have to take care for themselves which threads they click on and with that in mind, this OP doesn't warrant the vitriolic and downright nasty posts from some.

I've not misinterpreted a thing. I know exactly what it was in response to and it doesn't change the fact that it was a really, really embarrassing thing to say. It also made me think of the Dolmio puppet family for some reason. And now I've got the fucking Ragu advertising jingle stuck in my head. Oh I hope you're bloody happy.

You keep going on about my supposed 'agenda' and how I 'interpret' things to suit it, but you've not once said what this mythical 'agenda' is. Don't worry, though, I'm not going to ask. I don't care.

Evasiveness? You've dodged plenty of questions on here (and yes I KNOW you have the right to, but please don't deny you're doing it). I asked you why you started the thread. You answered the question of why you chose the correct topic for it (hurrah?), whether or not you had the right to start it and whether or not you had the right to ignore me, but it was bloody ages before you actually answered the bloody question itself. And yes, there have been plenty of other questions you've avoided too.

And you said the responses you've been getting were 'hilarious'. They looked pretty full of pain and heartbreak to me.

Sorry OP, but when you invite people to ask you anything about a topic that you know cuts close to a lot of quicks, well, maybe you should act a bit more graciously even if they don't ask the nice questions.

Well Lying, that's your view. In my opinion, OP's responses have made the thread really hateful and I'm not convinced she had the most noble reasons for starting it.

I'm not remotely surprised that people affected by affairs would have taken the invitation to ask an OW 'anything'. Nor am I surprised at the sorts of questions they asked. It was obvious. Which made me wonder, why the hell would anyone start a thread like this, on here of all places? Given the obvious response you'd get, why would you do that?

So I asked.

You obviously care enough to post daily on this thread?

In response to the ‘I find people’s pain hilarious’ comment that you made this is exactly what I said including the original post I was responding too.

AFistfulofDolores1
Gosh, the vitriol on this thread is poisonous.

OP, I think you're courageous posting here, in spite of the fact that no matter how reasoned you are, many people here will never change their stance. That's totally their prerogative, of course; it gets very uncomfortable trying to situate oneself in shades of grey when black-and-white is simpler and safer.

@AFisto - courageous? Actually I find the responses hilarious. I find it hard to believe that an anonymous thread can get so many people worked up.

I never once said I found people’s pain hilarious just some of the posts.