Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

Fair enough Ayn but by the same token, the responses she has received are hateful - and from multiple posters.

I wouldn't have started such a thread but that's because I find all the AMAs attention-seeking and I'm not that interesting. I've also been here a long time and know of many of the posters here who've been in pieces.

I don't know what the answer is but I do know that if we stopped posting on goady threads (any of them), we probably wouldn't have the sheer volume of them here because attention is their oxygen. Easier said than done, I know.

I just don't get why some posters put themselves through it. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes (literally) than open some threads because the topic is too painful for me and I can't do it. We're all different.

I found the responses that state I should apologise to all of the wives who’s husbands have left them hilarious.

I don’t find genuine pain hilarious.

People like to judge and criticise on message boards, they wouldn't say such things to your face. All I can think is, they must be Perfect People.
Can you imagine what it must be like to never put a food wrong, no mistakes? No, neither can I.

What do men in these relationship gett then? Women get maturity (yes because he is nearly two decades older than you?) and financial stability (he has been building a career and working full time whilst dear wifey took care of the household jobs that don't pay anything at all and don't translate into credit ratings).
Men get a younger body? A woman who is good for ego and easy to control? An able-bodied partner for when the husband needs care? Someone who needs financial stability which he can of course offer?
What do you think men get from these relationships?
I thought you could be his daughter because you said you were 17 years younger. My grandfather had his first baby with my grandma around that age. Men have active sperms at 17 years old.

Before you classify me into the bitter ex-wives club or whatever, I have a husband around my age and all my exes were around that age too. I have had no experience of an OW at all so that's not an issue either.

I found the responses that state I should apologise to all of the wives who’s husbands have left them hilarious.

Then why is that not what you said?

Your immediate subsequent comment is about people getting upset over an internet thread. (Funny how you get to be the arbiter of when it's a serious discussion and when it's just a silly internet thread that nobody should care about.) Sounds like laughing at pain to me.

Actually, you know what, never mind. I don't care.

I just don't get why some posters put themselves through it.

I definitely avoid threads that are likely to upset me. But I do understand why someone who has been hurt by an affair would take up the invitation to 'ask anything' of a former OW who married her partner. What I don't understand is why the former OW would want to kick that particular hornets' nest, in a place that's just so, so well known for it.

Well, I do have a theory.

People like to judge and criticise on message boards, they wouldn't say such things to your face.

I doubt OP would, on hearing that a colleague's husband had left her for his affair partner, go up to her and invite her to ask her anything.

Santa - I have never said I am 17 years younger.

This need for financial stability in these younger women can act as a very important factor in making these women vulnerable. This also leads to the label Gold Digger, which I think is quite damaging, as these women in general would almost always prefer men around their own age of they were approached by sensible, mature and financially stable men in their own age brackets.

Sorry about that then. How much is the age difference?

And what do the men get from these relationships?

Lyingwitchinthewardrobe. I did an AMA thread. It was I'm an adopter AMA. Certainly wasn't attention seeking but hoping to help and inform people.

HammerToFall, if attention-seeking came over as a negative thing then I'm sorry, I don't see it as a negative thing and didn't mean it that way. I mean it as people want others to be interested in them and what they do - attention-seeking from people who will have an interest. The AMA threads are all about that.

We all do it to a certain degree, we'd never post or interact with anybody ever if we didn't seek attention.

It is a bit of a challenging thread to start on mums etc I must admit.

I met my DH when he was still technically married to his exW. Admittedly, she had moved out and was seeing, sorry shagging her boss who she is now with.

However it didn't stop my co workers from judging the hell out of me and in fact even telling me outright that I shouldn't get involved in someone else's marriage, even though the exW wasn't in the slightest bit interested in DH until she found out he'd asked me out (she was so confident of her irresistible nature she even told him to ask me out and expected him to come begging her after having s date with me)

Unlucky for her it backfired. We clicked immediately and still are incredibly happy, and have been together 5 years with a beautiful DD.

I didn't split up the marriage, she did that herself. There were no DCs but still people felt it OK to judge.

AynRandTheObjectivist If you don’t care why do you keep posting and asking the same thing while also stating that you don’t care?

The Op had some nasty comments before she retaliated. If I’m wrong I’m happy to be shown that I am. Regardless of the op being the other woman, there is no need for such nastiness, if people have been cheated on then that is their partners fault and not this stranger on a forums fault. She is not the reason that all men have cheated so why aren’t people taking their anger out on her? Ask questions, fair enough, I’ve asked some myself. But for fuck sake, no need to be nasty and then get pissy when that person hits back.

If you don’t care why do you keep posting and asking the same thing while also stating that you don’t care?

I clearly care about the things I'm discussing, at least enough to while away a few minutes here and there on them. As does everyone else on here. Duh.

And I'm obviously going to respond to the stupid idea that it's fine to start a thread but somehow wrong to engage with it. OP is reminding me of the time I was 14, had to go to some lame village fete with my family and was whinging that my friends might see me there. My mother eventually pointed out that if any of my friends saw me there, it would be because they were there too.

Internet people accusing other internet people of being on the internet ceased to be a decent argument circa 2005, when we all went on to the internet.

As for OP 'hitting back', what a laugh. She started a thread on a topic which is well known on here for being highly emotive and prompting very black and white responses. She surely knew this. She invited people to ask her anything, then got mightily shitty when they did.

I don't care about her affair, I have a pretty nuanced view of those. But I find the things she's said, in response to the discussion she started - about childhood trauma, about people's pain - to be vile.

That is all.

I've read the whole thread and your answers come across smug and mean. You seem to want to portray your relationship in a certain way.

You saw a big fish (£££s), he saw a well-made up piece of ass...nothing special nor will it ever be. I'd have more respect for you if you just answered the questions directly and honestly, even if the answers were a bit on the iffy side but you show yourself up when you start at thread AMA and then only answer the questions that suit your agenda of maintaining a brand 'I'm/we're so special and above everything'

I've learnt more going through your post history about you then I did from this thread (which I literally have no shame about doing) I think proves that you just posted to titillate yourself and rub your perceived hotness in 'bitter ex wives' faces.

I totally agree with other posters who said that you expected this thread to turn into what's the secret for going from the sleazy romp to the lady of the Manor.

Basically you gave him the Anne Boleyn treatment:

1. Dragged out the sexual side 'I can't sleep with you, you're married'. (one year of emotional affair).

1. Made him feel like he would lose you if he didn't give you want you wanted i.e commitment (dating read shagging other men while having an affair with him ..which is just wow! Bet you made sure he know about that as well!)

3.Gave him a sleazy but exciting rolls in the hay when the time was right but always staying that one step away until you got the big prize.

This is nothing special. OW women have been doing this for 600 years and longer. If you think you are so wonderful you are somehow the magic formula of getting a man to divorce his wife for you, why don't you write a guide to, for a demographic of women who share the same (lack of) morals of you?

Instead of this brand of self aggrandizing smugness toward women that have been on the receiving end of this type of cheating or women wouldn't sleep with someone in a committed long term relationship with someone else.

Yes, you can post in this forum if you want to. You can bang other peoples husband's if you want to but it doesn't make it right.

If you're honest with yourself, you started this thread because the ex wife in your equation doesn't give you the deference or drama you (and women like you) clearly crave.

Before you go crying to mods about 'personal attacks'. The above is just my reflections on this thread and comments on your character based on your answers which I feel like you have opened yourself up to by starting this thread and refusing self reflection.

I do have some questions, they are biased and leading and will probably go unanswered but I think if answered truthfully would show you up for the person you aren't willing to admit you are.

1. Do you think you would have gotten away with shagging a married man in your works board room if he wasn't your director at the time?
2. Why won't you tell us when you got pregnant in this little timeline? Is it because you got pregnant to trap him?
3. How quickly did he start financially supporting you, buying you presents etc?
4. Would you still have pursued this relationship if you were the one who was going to be the primary earner and he was just a copy boy?

Quack
No need for the lecture. OP came across as a smug OW who thought her story was oh so different from all the others before her. Posters here do go back and read history of posters and that probably also led to lots of harsh posts, myself included. I am no saint but I don't portray myself as one either. She asked for it. You know you get it when you ask for it on Mumsnet.

Rockayebye - you need to correct number 2. I was never shagging my husband and other men at the same time.

1. Do you think you would have gotten away with shagging a married man in your works board room if he wasn't your director at the time? yes
2. Why won't you tell us when you got pregnant in this little timeline? Is it because you got pregnant to trap him? I have already replied to another poster and said I was not pregnant when my husband left his wife.
3. How quickly did he start financially supporting you, buying you presents etc? my husband never supported me financially when we first started seeing each other. I have already said I am financially independent
4. Would you still have pursued this relationship if you were the one who was going to be the primary earner and he was just a copy boy interesting question. If I felt the way I feel about my husband towards the copy boy then yes.

How did you get to be so senior even though you are only in your late twenties?

blueshoes - I have worked extremely hard in my career at the expense of other things.

This thread is quite something. You are in for quite a ride on life, OP.

How is goady OP still here?

I have worked extremely hard in my career at the expense of other things.

You say you are in the same company but do not work for your dh. Does your dh role's affect decisions about you in the workplace. Would you say your affair and subsequent marriage to your dh help or hinder your advancement in the company?

Op are you going to answer any of my questions?

I found the responses that state I should apologise to all of the wives who’s husbands have left them hilarious

I recall it was me that said about apologising but your interpretation of what I said is completely wrong - I have explained what I meant with an example - here to remove any doubt- yet you still don't apologise and still claim it all to be hilarious

this is what I meant when I said say sorry - you know the sort of thing you would say to someone if they had just lost someone - you would say I'm sorry - this doesn't mean you caused their pain - this shows you can understand the pain - you did and others who have been through this!

This for me is where your guard slips - it doesn't matter what else you say - the fact that you are unable to identify with others pain, that you keep ignoring it and appear to goad them in doing so is a true reflection of your character. There is nothing to be gained in showing some sympathy just an indication that you are aware of how much hurt is caiused by affairs but it's as though you say the words as they are the right words to say but really you don't give a shit!

I expect you have underlying motives for the relationship you have with dsd mother but of course you're not going to tell us

I said this a few days back unfortunately you caused pain and still have no comprehension or remorse and this is what I still stand by and it is purely because of this that I do not believe a word you say - you are incapable of love because someone who loves understands compassion - and you are devoid of this!