Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

Agreed @green. The attitude shown does show a certain amount of selfishness and calculation. I found the OPs reply about how she went for older men for security and stability to be quite calculating.

Maybe it sounds naive but I fell for my partner because he was and still is a wonderful person. We've achieved so much since but it was never about what he could offer me financially. At the time we were both broke students so there really wasn't anything too offer.

I've seen OP on other threads before and she just comes across as someone that can be easily bought.

Agreed @green. The attitude shown does show a certain amount of selfishness and calculation. I found the OPs reply about how she went for older men for security and stability to be quite calculating.

I never said I was with my husband for those things. I responded to a question about why it was predominantly women who dated older men and I was asked why that was. I responded with that it could be for financial security, maturity etc. I never once said I preferred older men for those reasons. So do not twist my responses.

I've seen OP on other threads before and she just comes across as someone that can be easily bought.

Really?? Which threads are these???

You say you are in the same company but do not work for your dh. Does your dh role's affect decisions about you in the workplace.
Yes but I am not his direct report so his decisions impact the wider company not just me.

Would you say your affair and subsequent marriage to your dh help or hinder your advancement in the company?
Hinder.

I only skimmed through the posts last night before I posted and have just read this by you Op

*I found the responses that state I should apologise to all of the wives who’s husbands have left them hilarious.

I don’t find genuine pain hilarious*

WTF does this mean that you think some of us have not been through genuine pain?

You know your ability to re define something YOU have said to mean something completely different when you are questioned is pretty amazing - not just once on here but several times - is this how you justify being the OW because you are now the DW - and so this makes all that you did A OK?

I'm pretty gobsmacked to be honest - you are going to be in for one hell of a fall but it won't come until you have most to lose

I believe as we go through life we are always being "tested" - to see where our values are aligned - we are given "warnings" of things that will happen - if we do not pay attention and address the balance the stakes get higher - the lessen becomes harder or more "painful" but the lessen will always be there!

Everything is two sides of the same coin - you and your DH on one side - the ex wife and Dd on the other - you think you have come out of this with the dream life - except it depends what you base your "dream life" on - looking from where I stand yours is based on everything materialistic and shallow - from what you have said about the ex wife hers is based on doing the right thing for her Dd despite her pain - who do you think has the dream life when life is judged on morals, integrity, honesty -all virtues based on love!

I'll give you a clue it ain't you and just in case you thought you get to be the judge of this this ain't you either - that coin will flip - who is going to be heads and who is going to be tails - surely you can work this out?

I'm beginning to find it a bit hilarious that for some reason you do not want to engage with me - why is this?

Oh and just in case you're wondering why I am still here - it would have been my wedding anniversary today - 25 years! And as usual having trouble sleeping and need something to occupy my mind!

Far from feel sad though - today is a bloody marvelous day - it's going to be another scorcher - just like my wedding day! I have my integrity intact - I can look myself in the face and know my truth - I dont need to make up stories to justify my actions when they come from the heart - my actions are pure! But many people have tried to tell me otherwise because it benefits them - just like you really - your story fits your agenda - yet it is all based on lies - and lies come tumbling down!

You are being warned - time and time again - but you chose to deny, defend, ridicule, abuse - all to keep your ego intact - your arrogance is astounding

You are no exception to the rule - there is only ONE exception to the rule - life is a cliche - we are all cliches of one type or another - there is no way on earth that you are going to live happily ever after and you know why - because that would endorse that lying and cheating is ok - and it never is - what sort of message would that give out - nah the balance will get redressed - my words will come back to haunt you at some time - just like this thread!

Would you say your affair and subsequent marriage to your dh help or hinder your advancement in the company? Hinder.

If it hindered your advancement and since you have children with your dh and been on one, if not two (it is not clear how many children you have with your dh) maternity leaves in the 5 years you have been with your dh, how are you still able to advance so quickly for someone who is still only in her late twenties and be financially independent?

Can you say what is your secret (or your job)?

I've come late to this thread and couldn't stomach reading more than a few pages. OP, you have reinforced my view that anyone who knowingly starts a sexual relationship with someone already in a relationship is a nasty piece of work. I'm sure it's been said before.
I'd ask you where your overly self absorbed and selfish attitude came from. (And hope you get a taste of the devastatation your behaviour caused the wife. She didn't deserve it. You truly do.)

Blueshoes, I'm going to guess that it's not one that requires a high standard of written English.

Your name is fairly memorable but it was the threads on dating (who pays?) and on what you do to look after yourself each month. To me, both responses show someone that is mercenary and very money orientated. Please let me in to the secret of how you get to have so much work done each month whilst having two children and working? I could not fit in that much and I only run an business, work and am doing my MA (any tips would be wonderful).

Tbh your life sounds exhausting. What would happen if you decided not to have all of those treatments?

Also OP, question is why is it you, his daughter and his exW that have to make the compromises?

You're the one whose job/career is hindered, his ex was the one he betrayed on numerous occasions. His daughter has had to grow up with a father as a liar and someone that seemingly has little regard for women.
What is he bringing to any of these relationships? I know you said there was a "thunderbolt" but that doesn't last forever. Apart from financially, why are you still in love with him?

I don't have children with my DP yet but when we do, I'm hoping they inherit his kindness and his decency. I, personally, couldn't have children with someone who could so casually lie and deceive those closest to him.

He's already shown how he can show such little regard for his eldest child. Are you concerned that any sons could inherit his deceitful traits?

the man is much older, and OP is Italian taking good care of herself. So thunderbolt will last and so will this marriage probably.
However, my question was: what do men like your husband see in women who could be young enough to be their daughters? You have not replied to that. You clearly prefer an older man and a married one at that. I don't care about that. What I do wish to know is how you go about respecting, let alone having a thunderbolt with, someone who (just like a lot of other men of his type/kind) prefers younger models once the dear wifey gets older? Even if he didn't like her, let's say, lack of ambition or intelligence (presuming you have these qualities), it was HIM who married her and had children with her. Why didn't he help the love of his life grow with him? Why didn't he communicate this enough? Why did he look for other women or girls instead of spending that energy on his home.
How do you respect him? I can't sleep with anyone I don't respect. I also can't sleep with anyone who I know my daughter (your DSD) won't respect.
Chances are, you are in it for the money and the thrills. The door is also open for women like you. You might have thought: if all goes tits up, I will still have kids with a wealthy man who will pay for them, and I will get a younger model for myself then.
What do you think?

By the way, your lack of response or lack of understanding the two sides of my question (point of view of women bs point of view of men in age-gap relationships) says a lot about how you view yourself and your current OH.

I wouldn't be responding either. These aren't really questions anymore they're barely disguised rants/attacks. You wouldn't post like this to another OP and get away with it. Why do you think you have the right to do it now?

I don't much rate this thread or the AMA section and if anything is an indication that it's trouble waiting to happen, this thread is it. Some of you sound as bad as you're telling the OP she is, ffs. Why engage at all?

You come here to touch nerves. You know a lot of women turn to this forum when they badly need help. You then go on and say you are hurt because these hurt people said what they felt saying about you and your conduct/ attitude. It's not even a chicken and egg question really, is it?
Majority of us are asking questions which would be considered pretty much standard on a topic like this. Read my last few questions. I asked the OP thrice before realising that she won't answer some particular bits because of the reasons I stated upthread. Again, I don't care. Who knows this might help her in some way one day. I am not the one for monogamy but I am the one for honesty. Women do need to realise that it's mainly men who are the older partners in age-gap relationships and that there really is a script afterall. Because, no matter how much you dislike our questions or what our questions push you to think, it's women at the recievng end of all the lies and abuse by morons like OP's husband.

Lying
As for you saying "why keep posting", I think all the hurt women here should feel people do take side because this is one of the things that keeps you going in tough times when you have been abused by a cheating partner.
If I had Mumsnet in my early 20s, I would not have gone through what I did. This place helped me grow up. Posters like me are just trying to make sure others in similar situations don't feel alone. More so, as smug OWs like OP post an AMA to feel better about the shine wearing off their thunderbolt that caused quite some damage.

Oh come off it. Nobody has posted on this thread for the OP's benefit and it's absolutely disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

OP doesn't have to answer your questions or anybody else's. I personally don't think this thread is entirely genuine and I won't disagree with you, Santa that there was button-pushing as the incentive and that was fairly obvious.

Women turn to this forum when they need help, yes. But to turn to a clearly marked thread like this - not on that board (relationships) and then complain about the content isn't sensible, is it? It would make me think that some women just like an excuse to get the knives out.

I'm not going to post on this thread again, it has absolutely no value. If posters choose to keep giving oxygen to it, that's on them.

x-posted with your last post, Santa mine was to your one before that. If you want to dress up the thread as some sort of 'support' then that's up to you. I don't read it like that, not a bit of it. It's full of sad and angry women being goaded further and further and that's horrible to read.

Anyway, your prerogative, and everybody else's but the attacks will probably get the whole thread deleted anyway.

I don't know about other posters. But, hand on heart, I genuinely posted for OP too. Like I said, abuse comes in many forms and sometimes you just don't know it until you have moved years and years ahead of it all. I am not what I was in early 20s. In fact, I am not what I was just two years ago.
But your question is a bit weird. If you see a clearly marked thread, and you know what's going to happen there, you go there because you want to learn and (hopefully) contribute some. It's like saying AnyFucker shouldn't click on thrheads in relationships because she has learnt her lessons and might feel hurt by reading similar things. So your point makes no sense. In fact, if you are hurt, you are more inclined to click on these boards because not only it gives you hope (that so many or there are facing similar and surviving it), it helps you learn new ways to cope with your own issues too. I certainly felt like that.
That's why people got angry when OP strutted sounding smug right after her first post or two.
As for it not being genuine, I don't know. I am quite bad at recognising a troll. If you feel it's a troll, report it. Don't hound other posters. It's a forum for helpers. Offenders don't get good treatment here.

There are so many posters on here being vile to the OP, it's ridiculous. None of us know the full situation or the state of the OP's DH's marriage before the affair.

Some good friends of ours are married with kids and they started off as a work affair- it's not something that crosses my mind when I'm with them but the husband did say once that his marriage had been over for years before he met his now wife, and it took falling in love with someone else to realise that.

Yes in an ideal world no one would ever have an affair but relationships are complex. I don't think someone who has an affair with a MM is breaking up a happy family, or the affair wouldn't happen in the first place.

So did it not feel like cheating on your then extra shag when you were seeing other people?
So you are both cheats?
Very well suited then, with no need to worry about your future.

Are you not ashamed of being such a poor role model for your children?
Do you think your set up is one you will encourage them to take?
If not, what are you going to do to stop them being cheats and destrying families, when this is their culture and environment?

OP doesn't have to answer your questions or anybody else's.

To be fair, the best way to avoid people's unwanted questions would be to not start a thread, saying 'I'm the OW - ask me anything'.

Personally I think if you don't want to answer anything, you don't start a thread in here.

If you do start a thread and then regret it and don't want to answer anything, you should be upfront and say you regret it and stop the thread.

It's not 'ask me only questions I am comfortable with'

I could see the issue if people were asking identifying information. But no One is.

And I think you're deeply naive if you don't think you're going to attract a cohort of posters who have real, burning questions on this topic.

People who've been badly hurt as the result of affairs, who probably have many unanswered questions, that they're now aiming at someone who's freely invited people to 'ask her anything'.

Seriously naive.

I don't think someone who has an affair with a MM is breaking up a happy family, or the affair wouldn't happen in the first place.

?????
Really ?????
So what happenes if you hit a rough patch ?
Going to happen in 20 odd years.
Do you
A. Work at it though it's really hard and making you unhappy

Or
B. Running off with an ego boosting ow who it turns out was nothing special you available and saying all the right

Things ????

Things is the MM loves his wife but they're going through a shit time.
Shit times end.
The grass is never greener -
So from what I've seen when the music stops he's either with the woman he loves or doomed to repeat his mistake.