Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

Santa, the 'hounding' isn't coming from me, it's coming from posters who have taken 'ask me anything' and interpreted it as "I'm an OW, kick me, make as many nasty digs as you like, I deserve them".

Countess, not naïve at all but you are being very disingenuous yourself to think that most of these questions are not rude and pointed - and intentionally so. If you're in any way able to be impartial you'll see that for yourself.

Is there a single other AMA thread where the OP is so abused? Not that I've seen. It's ok though, OP is an OW so brought it on herself. I looked up that other OW thread referred to though, utterly pathetic. The OP prostrated herself and the posters patronised her. Sickening.

I said I wouldn't post back and I have... I've run out of excuses not to write a report so I'm off to do that now. Only 399 posts left here, thank goodness!

I'm sorry but you sound quite full of yourself 'I was never short of male attention' if so then why did you wreck someone's family?

Lying - how can you possibly say the OP hasn't been naive? I agree that many of the questions are pointedly rude - and think it was deeply naive of the OP not to anticipate that.

As I said, she has triggered a lot of very upset, angry people that very possibly don't have closure on their issues. Who have unanswered questions.

She was naive to start the thread. To invite people to ask her anything.

I don't think my questions were rude. But they were to the point.

As I have said before, I am getting divorced. My choice. No affair on either part. However, I am interested in human behaviour. Especially how we can ignore/justify our poor behaviour.

I find it interesting that the OP doesn't consider herself a hypocrite. That's why I asked. In my opinion, she has shown herself to be a hypocrite in many ways.

We all have poor personality traits. I find it fascinating that people (me included) can not see these behaviours in themselves. So yes, I have taken the opportunity to question someone who has said 'I didn't something shitty.....ask me anything. Because you don't get chance to have this sort of conversation in real life.

Andromeida

Your name is fairly memorable but it was the threads on dating (who pays?) and on what you do to look after yourself each month. To me, both responses show someone that is mercenary and very money orientated. Money orientated because I get my nails sculpted a few times a month? That thread was for posters to share how much they spent on beauty treatments it is not a reflection on me, my marriage or relevant to this thread. Don’t attempt to try and shame a women because she cares about her appearance.

Please let me in to the secret of how you get to have so much work done each month whilst having two children and working? I could not fit in that much and I only run an business, work and am doing my MA (any tips would be wonderful). organisation. All of my appointments are scheduled in advanced and fit in with my diary.

Tbh your life sounds exhausting. What would happen if you decided not to have all of those treatments? Nothing would happen, why would it? I just wouldn’t be as groomed as I prefer to be.

the man is much older, and OP is Italian taking However, my question was: what do men like your husband see in women who could be young enough to be their daughters? You have not replied to that. You clearly prefer an older man and a married one at that. I don't care about that. What I do wish to know is how you go about respecting, let alone having a thunderbolt with, someone who (just like a lot of other men of his type/kind) prefers younger models once the dear wifey gets older? Even if he didn't like her, let's say, lack of ambition or intelligence (presuming you have these qualities), it was HIM who married her and had children with her. Why didn't he help the love of his life grow with him? Why didn't he communicate this enough? Why did he look for other women or girls instead of spending that energy on his home. I have already stated that his ex wife has a great career. He simply wasn’t in love with her and had not been for a long time.

How do you respect him? I can't sleep with anyone I don't respect. I also can't sleep with anyone who I know my daughter (your DSD) won't respect. I respect him because he wasted his best years with a woman he wasn’t in love with because he wanted to do the right thing by his daughter. Yes I accept he shouldnt have cheated, he knows that as do I but he can’t change his past actions

Chances are, you are in it for the money and the thrills. The door is also open for women like you. You might have thought: if all goes tits up, I will still have kids with a wealthy man who will pay for them, and I will get a younger model for myself then.
What do you think?
I disagree. I don’t need my husbands money.

You come here to touch nerves. You know a lot of women turn to this forum when they badly need help. You then go on and say you are hurt because these hurt people said what they felt saying about you and your conduct/ attitude.
I never said I was hurt by the responses. I am bewildered that posters are writing paragraphs upon paragraphs ranting at me about my relationship. I appreciate that women turn to this forum for support which I have witnessed for myself on the relationship boards. That is why I never posted this on the relationships board for those posters to see. This thread is a AMA and it was that at the start but now it has become a thread for particular posters to write personal attacks.

Majority of us are asking questions which would be considered pretty much standard on a topic like this. Really? I disagree. Some posters are asking questions that are not relevant at all such as:
What is your relationship with your dad like?
How old are your children?
How do you manage to fit in all of your beauty treatments?
How are you so senior is it because of your husband?

And I could go on

Yes in an ideal world no one would ever have an affair but relationships are complex. I don't think someone who has an affair with a MM is breaking up a happy family, or the affair wouldn't happen in the first place. Exactly Velvet

I respect him because he wasted his best years with a woman he wasn’t in love with because he wanted to do the right thing by his daughter. Yes I accept he shouldnt have cheated, he knows that as do I but he can’t change his past actions

I thought he wasn't past his best years?!

He wasn't in love with her at all, for all the years they were together?

He knows he shouldn't have cheated? How many affairs and/or knee tremblers/flings did he have? You said earlier that you weren't the first,

Yes, he's your husband & the father of your children & yes, you love him - I get that - but respect him for the reasons you gave?
No, I don't buy that I'm afraid.

I would have understood if you respected him for (for eg) finally doing the right thing by his wife, supporting his first child above & beyond the legal minimum, ensuring his ex wasn't disadvantaged due to his philandering, being a good, decent & loving partner to you & an involved & interested father to his children etc etc

It just seems very shallow & odd to respect him for the reasons you listed.

Daisy - the question about how do I respect my husband was asked after the poster queried why my husband didn’t help the love of his life grow with him. My answer regarding how I could respect my husband was linked to this.

I have wrote multiple times about how my husband is a brilliant father, how he has been generous in his divorce settlement etc.

Written. "I have written."

This thread is appalling. Not because of the OP, but due to the amount of vile personal assaults on her.

Specifically by certain posters who seem unable to behave and are essentially harassing and hounding her. If this thread causes you so much upset, stop reading it! Certainly don't come on and post daily attacks on someone who has nothing to do with your cheating ex. Her responses have been a damn sight more respectful than yours.

I am not condoning her actions by any means, but she was not the one to 'lure' your husbands away. She was not the one with families who had taken vows. She was not the one to put your husband's dick into someone else.
The anger and bitterness towards her is misplaced.

And for those who are wishing that her husband cheats and things come full circle, shame on you. I don't give a shit about the OP, but I do care if some more children end up with a broken home.

Lying I'm assuming from your posts that you have not been cheated on because if you had you would not regard us as sad and angry women who just want an excuse to get the knives out

Being cheated on is like being stabbed in the back by someone who is supposed to love you and then just for good measure you get dragged through the courts to be financially screwed over and emotionally exhausted!

I can get my head around unhappy marriages due to falling out of love blah blah - but the majority of women are blindsided. They did not know their marriage was in crisis because the DH did not say - just like the DH here kept the DW going for 18 months - 18 months that's a year and a half - a year and a half of birthdays, anniversarys, Christmas, easter summer holidays Yet apparently it was a thunderbolt!

How many threads were women have been devastated, unable to eat, sleep function yet had kids to deal with, had breakdowns, been struggling financially and you tell me these Ow believe the shite they were told! They must be in cloud cuckoo land.

Nobody and I mean nobody can embark on affair not knowing the damage it will do regardless of the state of the marriage! All this bullshit that it's the DH at fault - the OW Is just at fault - she can choose to walk away until the marriage is ended first - but they don't do they - why not - does it fuel their ego? Maybe if the Op had any guts about her she might answer these questions honestly but no she wants us to believe that it's a thunderbolt and true love!

I'd like to know if the DH & ex wife went to court - this amongst many of my questions remain unanswered!

I'm pretty sure Lying said she had been cheated on.

And yes, the DH is always at fault. No one made him cheat. He was perfectly able to say no these temptresses.
Her behaviour maybe questionable or morally wrong, but she was not the one who made the commitment.

And tbh, in many cases, if OW1 didn't fall for his charms, I'm sure DH would find an OW2 anyway.

The op has been abusive to many posters on here - belittling their experience, ignoring their questions, dismissing questions as being irrelevant, insulting,

For some reason which I am unable to fathom none of my questions have been answered - they are relevant to my level of understanding? There are ways of communicating with people you have invited to AMA - I doubt there ha been any other thread where the Op has been so cagey and defensive with their answers as if they still have something to hide! Maybe it is their real self!

I love this comment - "i have wrote.... *

I'm beginning to wonder if this is just a goady thread -not genuine after all - wouldn't this be ironic - maybe this is the reason why there is no depth to any of the answers!

Green I was not going to engage with you again but I did read through some of your previous threads regarding your marriage breakdown. What happened to you was disgusting but my husband has never screwed over his ex wife he has been more than generous with their settlement. That isn’t good enough for you though is it? You want all OW to suffer how you suffered unfortunately life doesn’t play out that way and regardless of how many times you respond stating I will get my comeuppance it won’t make you feel any better.

You spent your anniversary posting on this thread, that isn’t healthy. You can write as many times as you want that you are ok etc but if that was the truth then you wouldn’t be writing paragraph upon paragraph detailing how my downfall will come soon, my husband is evil, I will get what I deserve etc. This thread is not for me to atone for my ‘sins’ it was started in an AMA topic for people if curious to ask questions relevant to the subject title. Instead posters such as yourself are using it to rant about how full of hatred I am or that I am devoid of compassion.

One thing I have taken away from this thread is how lucky I am that my husbands ex wife and I have a brilliant relationship. I am grateful that we can all communicate like adults about the one person who matters the most, my DSD.

I'd like to know if the DH & ex wife went to court - this amongst many of my questions remain unanswered no they didn’t go to court.

There is no ‘depth’ to my answers as I don’t want to sit on the Internet for hours on end replying in detailed paragraphs about my marriage, my affair, my children or my financial situation.

Why did you start the thread, then?

ive thank you for replying to me at last - I'm pleased to hear that they didn't go to court - and you know what for a minute I took this to mean they settled amicably - I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt and think maybe I have got you wrong - but you don't actually say this - what you have said could mean anything - maybe my questions were not specific enough

But I'm tired I can't be bothered with this thread anymore - if you read back my posts I think you'll find originally I said I was open to learning something from this - maybe some of my questions would be answered _ but you chose not to and from that I drew my own conclusions,

Why you have been reading my posts I don't get - especially when you go on to say I want all OW to suffer! Again no I don't - I've said on here I never want anyone to go through the hell ive been through - but your defensiveness and some of your smug comments implies you don't give a shit!

I haven't spent my anniversary on this thread - I posted last night and this morning - too bloody hot to sleep and other shit on my mind - and it's not my anniversary anymore!

I have asked questions relevant to your title - I was curious to see if you had any inkling of compassion and I think your first response was you found it hilarious that I should think this! I don't think I said you are full of hatred - I think this is your own projection!

Whether you are lucky or not remains to be seen - i find it rather ironic you are able to communicate as adults now but your DH couldn't communicate his feelings to his ex wife! For 18 months ! But as I've said before I expect it's the exwife who is doing the orchestrating for her Dd as this will be her priority!

If you don't want to spend hours on the internet etc why start the thread in the first place - did you judge this wrong? In fact you have replied in detail to some just not me - did you need to read my posts to suss me out - don't bother you only get half a story from my threads -and everyone gets what they deserve in the end - has your DH atoned his sins - financial generosity does not negate the lies, the deceit the mistrust -

You say your husband’s ex and yourself have a “brilliant” relationship ... which of course makes me wonder if she feels the same?

What is so brilliant about your relationship?

I think I get it now - you gave yourself away - that ego of yours cannot stay in it's box it needs feeding

In relationships you are just one of many OW all with the same story -on here you are "THE OW"

Do you remember saying this

What I would say is regardless of how much I love him it’s a bizarre feeling as I definitely do not trust him 100%

Why are you only on here late at night - are you feeding a baby by any chance - sat on your own - time on your hands and as so many of us do end up on MN

I was beginning to think you were a troll so I checked you out - but no nothing quite so special just an ordinary OW probably wondering if her chickens are coming home to roost?

As you live in the former matrimonial home (I know now it's your matrimonial home) did you redecorate and buy new furniture before you moved in?

If so, what did DSD think of the change to her home?

Has EW commented on the changes?

Did you not want to move and choose something together as a fresh new start?

What is it about your home you love the most?

Do you use the same Christmas decorations or did EW keep them?

I don't think she is a troll as such, though I suspect she is hamming up a few details such as how gorgeous she is, how incredibly successful her career is despite her age and young family, manicuring her gloves every other day, etc etc etc.

I do think that when she started this thread to relive the time when her relationship was interesting, she didn't quite foresee how many other alternative narratives there would be. (She doesn't believe children can be affected long term by this - that takes a special kind of myopia.) Despite all the boasting, if she really has been married a few years, working with young kids, well, that does put a bit of everyday stress and strain on a relationship, however solid it is. It sounds as though nobody in her real life cares how it started any more, so she's now just found herself in a completely normal, everyday and not very exciting situation. She's also pushing 30 - I know that's nothing to worry about, but people do tend to panic a bit about it.

So the thread was intended to relive some of that excitement and dazzle everyone with her personal narrative, because she's clearly incapable of understanding that other people will perceive things differently. (I don't trust a word she says about what anyone else thinks.) Unfortunately, having completely misread the situation and how others might feel about it due to the aforementioned myopia, we have the resulting clusterfuck.

It did not need to be this way. If OP had had a modicum of grace, humility and self awareness in starting this thread, she would still have upset people but it really would not have gone like this. She didn't need to apologise or grovel or regret anything she's done. She just needed to be aware of, and be a little sensitive about, other people's pain. You know, rather than finding it 'hilarious', throwing the tired old 'bitter ex wives' insult at them and generally being boastful and vituperative.

If nothing else, I do know that if my life were as perfect as hers seems to be - beautiful, lovely children, madly in love with my very rich husband but obviously totally successful in my own right, getting my face Polyfilled every week or whatever - I would not be this brittle about it.

OP is a narcissist.

Really? I disagree. Some posters are asking questions that are not relevant at all such as:
What is your relationship with your dad like?
How old are your children?
How do you manage to fit in all of your beauty treatments?
How are you so senior is it because of your husband?

I actually think these are all relevant.

Your relationship to your father could give some insight into why you when after an older married man.
Your children's ages will give some perspective on the time line of events. Although I do get why you would give exact ages, on this one. That could be quite outing.

How do you manage to have beauty treatments - because, quite frankly, your story doesn't add up. Late twenties, 2 small children, high flying career (not at all impacted by having 2 children, which is her rare) and in between juggling all this you manage to have lots of free time.
How you became so senior is relevant. It may give some more insight. How you managed to work your way up, whilst taking 2 maternity leave, still being quite young (in career terms). You claim to not need your husbands money, but it doesn't make sense.

Personally I think you aren't being honest and believe AynRandTheObjectivist to be the most accurate. And if you are having to embellish the truth, it says you aren't as happy as you make out.

I think you starred this thread and it hasn't gone how you wanted and you didn't really think about the questions that would be asked. Either that or you are the type of person that purposely turns anything they don't want to deal with into 'irrelevant' so you don't have to deal with it.

Of the hundreds of questions asked here (most of which are legitimate questions given the AMA thread) you have spent most of your responses bickering back at specific posters and hardly answering anything.

If you indeed wished to provide some insight into life as OW turned DW to perhaps try and dispel cliches or simply to show us a more human side to your story...I have to say you have failed miserably.

I just wasted a large portion of my time reading through this thread hoping to gain some insight into the more human aspects of what is a horrible and hurtful act of betrayal... but instead I see a mean and rude individual who shows no care or compassion for others. Indeed you fit the OW cliche well.

I don't think someone who has an affair with a MM is breaking up a happy family, or the affair wouldn't happen in the first place.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of course, but there is a wealth of empirical evidence to show this is not the case. In plenty of books, studies, online resources and forums. Ppl have affairs for many reasons, and the most used excuse is of the boredom/opportunity/new partner variety. While also having a happy family at home.