Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

What we did, before parents started to become too frail, was rotate like this:

My parents to us
His parents to us
Us to my parents
Us to DH's parents

And in the intervening years our brothers would host or visit. It worked well.

Christmas is for families, but it's mostly for the kids. I don't see the point (took me 8 years though) in letting your kids experience the magic of Christmas, santas been, it's finally the day, no you can't play with that gift now though we have to get ready to go to nans house
After nans we have to go to grandads
After grandads we need to go see Auntie

Nahhh, everyone can wait until the next day IMO. Take Christmas for you, it's more than a 'day' but the DAY is about the kids.

I say people can come to me if they want, but my kids are sitting at home with sweets, and gifts, and love, and the experience.

When I was young I spent half of christmas day in the pub because my mums parents wanted to go to the pub, we dressed up and we had fun, but we never had a christmas dinner and boxing day we'd all end up at another pub with dads parents, had a token christmas dinner (nan was a great cook though) have dinner and taxi 30 minutes back home. Then we'd get to finally play with our gifts and explore our new things.

I personally do it the opposite, but each to their own - christmas is magical in different ways

My sister always said she'd never do the alternating Christmas lunch thing when she had a child. She did (because she doesn't like cooking). Her partner, an only child, feels they have to go to his widowed mother every Christmas lunch and the 3 of them come to our parents for Christmas tea. t

Boxing Day my sister and child comes to our parents for turkey and chips whilst her partner stays with his mum.

Me, I please myself as I don't have children and this Christmas I'm single. Bliss.

Exactly
equal time
and yet your mother is behaving abysmally
can you really not see that @Christmasguilt )

This!

Alternating is the only fair way to handle Christmas.

Both you and your mum are being overly dramatic about this.

Right. So if this is what you want for your son, for him to see his dad’s parents too, how foes your mum’s guilt come into it? Why aren’t you shutting her down with a “we want Jack to spend Christmas with his paternal grandparents as much as with his maternal” the second she starts on the guilt trip.

She knows exactly what she’s doing. She did it to your dad’s parents. She wants you to do what she did: make sure she has it all, always. Can you see that making you feel guilty is her way of getting this?

I think you wanted us to say “oh absolutely prioritise your mum every year”. She has well and truly got her claws in to you @Christmasguilt

So if you and your siblings get organised your mum would not be "alone", just not you and your DH joining them on some years. She's being selfish.

’I’m just extra aware of giving both sets of grandparents an equal chance to develop a relationship’

Have you said this specifically to your mum?

also those opportunities DO NOT have to be on christmas day

That’s probably what the OP’s mum will say about the in laws 😂

Op by trying to please ur mum your going to come unstuck at some point as alternating means you won’t get your own family Christmas.

“Someone is unhappy”

And do they all make you feel “very guilty” and “terrible” as your mother does?

I’m going to suggest seeing my parents during the day at some point but I know the Christmas Dinner won’t be the same.

that is categorically not what you have agreed with your parents.

Alternate Christmas. But you are going to duck out with the kids and see your parents?

The Apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree

I think you are overthinking things. It’s just one day! As a mother of three adult children I’m really happy when it’s the year that they all spend with in laws. We have an easy lunch. Watch all the Christmas programme. Then all get together on the 27th. Maybe your parents will feel the same. They must realise that there are two families to consider.

Agree that you are overthinking. Can’t you just see the parents you haven’t spent Christmas Day with on Boxing Day? Extends the celebrations and does it really matter if it’s the 25th or the 26th on the calendar?

I can't believe that you've been spending Christmas apart from your DH just to keep your mum happy! Plenty of ways to divvy up the holidays but none of them involve reenacting her ideal family Christmas every year. She will just have to accept this and keep her sadness to herself. So long as you are being kind to your mum (which does not include always doing what she wants) you have no need to feel guilty.