Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

Yeah your mum is out of order making you feel that guilty over Christmas day.
My mum's partner travels to his family for Christmas each year without my mum so every other year she's on her own (were with my in-laws) she has never once said anything negative because she knows that it's unavoidable. She said may times when DD w as little that if we ward to stay home we.should because travelling over Christmas isn't fun with a baby/toddler/young child.
Your parents have each other, they'll be fine

What a faff! Don’t you ever want Christmas morning opening presents in your own home? Why do the grandparents needs come first?

How do think your DM feels about you being upset about this issue?
Most caring DMs would say please don't feel awful,you have been fair to everyone in alternating and your DS must come first.Surely?

YANBU at all, and please do not let the guilt run the show. We went through exactly this when our little one was born. The first year we tried to please everyone and spent most of Christmas Day in the car, and nobody had a good time.

What works for us now: Christmas Day is just the three of us at home. We see one set of grandparents on Boxing Day and the other a few days later, so everyone gets a proper, relaxed chunk of time with us instead of a rushed drive-by. Our three-year-old gets to wake up in their own bed with their presents around them, which honestly makes the whole day calmer.

Your mum being upset two years ago sounds really hard, but you did not make Christmas Day terrible for her. She chose how to react, and you were only trying to be fair to both sides. And with your brother there, she was not even alone.

One thing that helped us a lot: we told everyone the plan early and presented it as our new family tradition rather than asking permission. One slightly awkward conversation, and then it just became the norm. You have a child now, your Christmas Day belongs to your little family first.

Either host at your in laws and your parents at your house or ask your in laws if your parents can go to theirs, explaining they’d otherwise be on their own. I wouldn’t be leaving my parents just the two of them at Christmas (assuming they didn’t want to be left).

ETA, your mum is being unreasonable with the guilt trip though, if it was me I’d be seizing the opportunity to spend some of the inheritance on a fancy cruise!

This what we do - it works well.

Alternate is the only way forward from what you've said in your OP.

It's really important though for you to understand that your Mum is being very unreasonable here to outwardly react like this. It is totally reasonable for people to not see their adult DCs and DGCs every Christmas Day and if she expects you to spend every Christmas Day with her and not with your DPs parents and family then she is also being selfish.

Totally not OK for your Mum to make you feel this stressed about the 25th of December when you could easily see your Mum on the 27th December and do exactly the same things.

One set comes to us and sleeps over at ours so we do have Christmas morning at home some years. Other years it’s actually really nice to be with my siblings and parents on Christmas morning!

It is weird you say your parents will be 'on their own' when actually they are together. Christmas with small children is special - that is why it is unfair of grandparents to make it uncomfortable for their own children or children-in-law.

She needs to manage her expectations. She is not the only grandparent in the scenario.

Is she happy for your husband’s parents to not see you for Xmas?

Is she happy for your brother’s wife’s parents to not see them? As long as she has exactly her own way?!

>>whispers gently<< ours are grown up and partnered. Our christmases are sh1t at present with vv elderly mothers 350 miles apart so DH and I separate at christmas so neither is alone. The DCndo what they want although dd and future son in law are coming to mum's with me this year. When it changes one of our mums will be dead.

DH and I are mid/late 60s. We look forward to christmas together. The DC can do whatever they want. DH and I will be happy to have a side of smoked salmon, a bottle of champagne and a walk.

Why is it obvious two adults and their child have to split holidays?

Why can't they celebrate in their own home? That's the obvious thing to do. If the grandparents want to see them, the grandparents come to theirs. OP said that was how she grew up. Now her mom guilts her for not coming to her place when OP's husband and child should have priority. Why should you all be exhausted and stressed and anxious on what should be a holiday?

OP's mom had her Xmases at home with her kids. Now she wants to take that away from her daughter. Pretty soon OP's kid or kids will be grown and out of the home and if this continues, they will always have spent xmas traipsing here, there, and everywhere to people please all the GPs and never in their own home. I think that's sad.

This in spades. You have my sympathy though OP, my mum can be similar.

We always spent Christmas at home. Me, DH and our DC. We'd see wider family between Boxing Day and New Year.

Christmas is more than one day, why not see one set of parents on Christmas Eve, have Christmas Day at home with just your dh and child then Boxing Day at the other parents?

We used to do that and it worked out fine, as kids we loved having a present to open on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and equally loved being able to wake up in our own beds at home on Christmas Day then spending the day in our pj's.

I always spend Christmas with my mother
I simply couldn’t leave her on her own
Usually I host or we pay for everyone at a restaurant but if we go to my ILs Mum comes too

Now you have children you may find that you are happiest spending Christmas Day at home and then seeing the grandparents on a different day. That also stops one set of parents complaining that you spent Christmas with the other set

So she spent Christmas Day with her husband and presumably enjoyed Christmas with other members of her family on different days and that was terrible?

Honestly your mother needs to get a grip.

Why not ask your Mum what she thinks you should do, bearing in mind your DH has a Mum who wants to see him too? Alternating really is the only fair option, and if your Mum finds this unacceptable, I’d be interested to hear what her solution would be.

Your parents will survive, don't worry.

It's just a day.

Hi OP, it's important to remember that you are not going to please everyone and ime, some parents (GPS) are very unreasonable when it comes to expectations of Christmas and seeing their gc. And what's the problem with someone being on their own on Christmas day? Loads of people do.
What about divorced couples and blended families?
Please try not to stress yourself OP.

@Christmasguilt do you live near either your in-laws or parents?

My inlaws live 20 mins away, but my own parents live the other side of the country. I see my parents every year for Christmas, one year at their house (and dad cooks) then the following year they travel to us (and I attempt to cook). My in-laws will then join us for the meal at our house. When we are away for Christmas, we do Xmas #2 with the in-laws when we get back.

I wouldn't over-think it. Just do what is convenient.