Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

this. grandmothers who will be "gutted" can learn to be ungutted.

I sort of agree with this…

Im a mum but not a Nanna, and I just don’t get the “ so upset” bit.
It’s literally one day out of the whole year ( unless you have to do the birthdays and Mothers Day dance as well? )
So many posts on here are about DMs and DMILs creating drama over special days that must be set in stone the minute the poor child draws its first breath! I feel sorry for the Dils that desperately try to do the right thing by everybody and end up never having their own special moments as they obliged to be somewhere else at someone else’s demand request.

Thank goodness I’m not like this with my Dsons time…it must be awful.

We can now go abroad for Christmas, and hopefully will never spend another at home! BUT, when we were in a similar situation back in the day, we had open house gathering for both sets of parents and anyone else who wanted to be there. Followed by one set of parents going off to "their" Christmas lunch with whoever was hosting them that year, and the other stayed with us. That alternated. Everyone saw everyone. It worked, once they all got used to it!

Everyone saying the parents will be alone is seriously illiterate. They are not alone, they have each other. They chose to marry each other, can't be such a hardship to spend a day together.

They probably realise this situation will happen eventually, ie alternate Christmases. Do Christmas at one house, and then Easter at the other.

Oh no all this angst! Please don’t feel guilty! You say she’s a great mum and it sounds like she loves you very much so I’m sure she’d be happy with whatever Christmas arrangements you make as long as you and your family are happy and not stressed, and everyone gets to see each other at some point over the season even if not all at the same time, and the arrangements are discussed and sorted soon enough so that people know what they’re doing and no one is left in the dark and left out. I don’t think there’s a mum alive who would wish their child to be stressed and upset. Speak to her soon! Once it’s all sorted she’ll be able to plan for her Christmas and you’ll be able to relax and enjoy 💐

Why shouldn't your parents spend it alone every other year? They aren't 'alone' if they have each other, anyway.

Are you all far apart?

Your parents should be making the effort to let you know that they won’t be disappointed not to see you every year because anything else is just plain selfish. Even if they will be a little disappointed, they have each other and another child and they will be fine. They should be supportive of your new growing family. It’s not like you can’t see them one plenty of the days around Christmas to do nice things.

Could you all go out together for Christmas Dinner at a restaurant?

My in laws are invited to my parents for Xmas dinner. My brother in law goes to SIL’s parents.

Your mum isn't alone - she has your dad! As adults whose children have grown up, we have to accept that the look of Christmas will change as they develop their own families. It's natural and we are unfair if we make our adult kids feel bad when they are trying to meet everyone's needs. It's an impossible ask, to please everybody! Even if you alternated with your brother, you can't guarantee that his wife's family would never throw a spanner in the works.

Your mum has to accept that she will have you on some Christmases but it's not reasonable to expect it every year!
Its very wrong of her yo make you feel bad about this!

Remember that Christmas is a season, not one day and you don't have to do the whole thing on the 25th.

As young parents my P in Ls wanted us to go to their house for every bloody christmas. Consequently I never had a christmas at my home.
This still echoes through the years as it doesn't have the happy holiday memories. Mind your P and Qs when at the in laws. Meagre drinks etc
Now I tell my children to stay at home, enjoy the time off with their children, and visit us when they have the time

You were a child. You don’t actually know that your grandparents were happy with the Christmas arrangements.

You have not mentioned being in separate cities or any major logistical hurdles. Are you all reasonable close. We solve the multiple family problem by having a big celebration on Christmas Eve. In my culture, Christmas Eve is traditionally just as important or a day so that helps, but you could also use Boxing Day to your advantage.

I like Christmas Eve though because children are very much in the magical spirit. You can open a few presents from those family members and eat good food. It just extends the celebration.

We have accepted we never see our siblings on Christmas day itself for this reason - it means we can alternate and our parents always get one of us. Plus it's less chaotic and no one ever has to host a huge number now everyone has kids. On a few occasions where we haven't been able to synchronise with siblings we've hosted both sets of parents at ours.

We still see our siblings over the Christmas period every year without fail, so kids don't miss out on cousin time, just not on Christmas day itself..and on my side my parents will usually come to that too so they get us all together (I think my mil actually prefers the smaller quality time ). And actually cousins not together on Christmas day is easier from a gift point of view if you may not spend the same on your kids. The only year we did go to SIL's there was so much negotiation to make presents look a similar size, compromise on differing Santa traditions etc.

I also like spreading Christmas over several days, much more to look forward to!

To be fair though, my parents have helpfully always said they don't mind making their own arrangements one year if neither of us can see them- I do appreciate there are no guitars trips.

Also, if your brother gets to see his in laws, don't let your parents guilt trip you for doing the same.

You aren't, her expectations and entitlement is upsetting her. She could plan the day out, so she enjoys it. It's selfish to not understand that your children have their own lives. I'm my DD's childcare, I wouldn't commander her time like this. Your child gets one childhood and once it's gone, it's gone. There'll be obligations once your parents age, but at the moment, while there's the two of them, you aren't obligated to give them Christmas day.

OP, just stay at home with your partner and hild - perfect. It's absolutely standard fir people to stay in their own homes at Christmas.
Your parents aren't "on their own", they have each other!

Is it just your parents you are worried about? If so why can’t they come along to whatever is going on with DPs side of the family or vice versa? Alternating is extremely normal - the sooner you start doing it, the easier it becomes. My can be terrible for a guilt trip but even she is over it now - we see the family we don’t see on Christmas Day, on Boxing Day like lots of people.

I have two brothers so I usually get to see at least one. At the moment we’re in a real sweet spot where DB1 is divorced so with my parents every year for the whole Xmas period and we see him either Xmas day or Boxing Day depending on what we are doing and DB2 comes down with his partner every year for a couple of days because she hats spending it with her own family. It won’t last forever - one day DB1 will find a new partner and DB2 and Partner who are getting married soon will have children and won’t want to do the journey and be away from their own home.

it’s amazing what people get used to. The trick is to announce your plans for Christmas in January if you are making a big change. People feel less emotional about it then because it’s a long way off and by the time Xmas rolls around they’ve got over it

I only see my parents about 3 or 4 times a year whereas we can see the in-laws any time.

My parents stay with us when they visit whereas the in-laws can then just drive home, or we drive them.

I don't see the issue in having both sets of parents there. When I was little, my parents hosted Christmas and both sets of grandparents stayed with us.

DH has two siblings that also live locally, so the in-laws can have Christmas with them. The siblings don't get on, but one tends to work Christmas day, so they do breakfast, then the other one will turn up once he knows his sister has gone to work! Neither have kids!

I don't see it as a competition.

Some people like their families! They even enjoy the time with them.

That seems to be unthinkable on MN, but it's true.

Always spent with your mum’s parents?? 👀

that might explain her unreasonable guilt trip on you - might be worth reminding her that you never spent a Christmas with the other set of grandparents so alternating ain’t too bad.

Tell them they can come over for gift opening with DC or a drink after dinner if that works then it's up to them

She needs to get a grip. However lovely she is usually.

We've alternated Christmas every year since being together, so 18 years this Christmas and it carried on after ds (7 just before Christmas) because it just works. Things got thrown out a bit with COVID etc but we're now "back on track" and even falls so that "our year" with my parents is also my brothers too, so we're all together. I think my parents quite enjoy one chaos year and one quieter one tbh 🤣 Fil is always away for Christmas and mil comes to us her year and spends the other with other family or goes away with friends.