Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

while I agree, I think that october is not too late and every year that people stick to the current arrangement, it will get harder.

You have Christmas as a family at your home

you are not making it a terrible day for her, she would be making it a terrible day for herself. All of us adults can usually choose how to react to stuff.

Depends what sort of family you are - we firm up Christmas plans in July or August. October would feel very late to announce a change.

but the Op hasn't agreed yet?

I don't understand why it all has to be crammed into one day...can it not be spread out so you spend a Christmas day with everyone just not on the actual day?

Great idea. +The paternal GPs shouldn’t be second class citizens as being fair important so nothing just about your Mum. Easiest thing could be you do your parents one year and your brother next. Cousins can then see each other over the wider?

It sounds like your mum is making you feel very guilty OP.

maybe write down or have a think about what Christmas means to you and what YOU actually want the day to be like. What is important in your own head and then do that. You can kindly make any senario work & now you are a parent you can decide the traditions for your own little family.

Wider family dynamics are complicated but resentment can grow if you don’t address what you actually want and the more years that pass the harder it gets.

good luck with your decision.

You stay put in your own house with your husband and child and whoever wants to come to you can.
You would have nothing to feel guilty for - it’s on them to attend. How far away are they and do they drive? Do you have a spare room if needed?
Also, they wouldn’t be on their own as they have each other.

Kindly, your mother needs to grow up and recognise that things have to change. She is no longer the most important person in her childrens lives. You have to do Christmas for your family and your child.

If you have siblings why would your parents be on their own every other year @Christmasguilt ?

Hi op you have your own family unit now. You do Christmas for your own dc and not your parents then you can do Boxing Day on alternative years. You cannot please everyone so don’t try. Yes your mum might be gutted but your family is what matters and both you and dp have to look long term trying to please both families each year so make a new tradition now. No parents.

To be frank both sets of parents will need to get over themselves.
Of course you are now spending Christmas as a three and cannot be in both places at once.

Maybe suggest one set of parents celebrate on Christmas eve and so you go to both sets over the two days and have two Christmases?

How we did it as children, Christmas eve with one set of Grandparents, Christmas Day just us at home, Boxing Day the other set of Grandparents. You could then alternate this.

As there are other relations in your family, ie your brother, maybe brainstorm with him as to what could potentially work if you did something similar. This would include what his wife and her family usually do.

How it works for us now, we are the ones who are geographically away from all our families. They all live within 20 minute drive of each other. It makes sense for us to travel to them. My family all get together for Christmas lunch, so my siblings, their husbands and wives and children plus my Dad are all together. In the afternoon everyone goes to their in laws. It worked because a massive extended family discussion took place to see what was doable.

Christmas does not have to be one day. Make the most of the season of Christmas. We have other things we do with our families too outside of that mad Christmas day.

This works well if people have the time off! We've had years where we've spent Christmas eve eve, Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day seeing people, but other years we've both been working until 3/4/5pm Christmas eve and back at work the day after boxing day so not as much time. But even then we managed to fit both parents in somehow. My parents and fil are more relaxed about it. Mil can be more difficult, which is odd as she has more "other options" , but we just firm up plans early and say well that's that really 🤷

I love my family, I also love my husbands family but I also love my own space and spending time with just my nuclear family. I’m happy to see everyone at some point over the festive season and will always make the time. I just dont understand why some grandparents make life difficult for those currently raising children, insisting on arrangements that suit their needs first.

We do his mums in the morning then my mums for dinner. Then we swap the next year but my mum does breakfast for us, his mum doesn’t. We don’t drink and they only live within 5 miles of us so it’s quite easy. Boxing Day we spend at home playing with the kids xx

Obvious solution to me, but then we aren't fussed about the specific date in my family.

One xmas eve, one boxing day. Visit them.

Xmas day anyone who wants to is welcome to come over for an hour or so and see DC but not for xmas dinner, don't waste a family day slaving away in the kitchen for other people! (Or even for yourselves, do the big traditional dinner on one of the other days?)

I would honestly say stay at home and invite whoever wants to come, whether it's for presents in the morning, christmas lunch or just cheese and games in the evening. And make firm plans to see both sides of the family christmas day and boxing day. Christmas will have to change as families grow up and expand and it's not fair for the older generations to want to stay firm in their plans and staying at home.

You should be prioritising your husband so the fairest way is alternative years.

So do this year with your parents and next year with his? So your parents won't be alone any year.
Edited to add, your parents can't have it all their way, you have your partners family to consider. So they either have a year alone and then a year with you all together or you and your brother take it in turns. Whatever parents you don't see on Christmas day, do something with them on Boxing day.

@Christmasguilt your mother’s feelings are her own problem to deal with. She’s allowed to be disappointed but you’re an adult with your own family and you have to prioritize that and what works for your DH and DC. She’ll figure it out.

She wants to be with her parents AND brother’s family. Otherwise the kids won’t spend Xmas together.

When your get to our age..60s ..you need to know that Christmas changes and be prepared for your children to be elsewhere. There comes a time in all our lives where that is the reality and your Mom should have faced this by now. And no piling guilt on people. Can we all just accept this now!!!

This ☝️ 💯
We always went to my mums on Xmas eve, and then to MIL boxing day.

We spent our xmas just as a nuclear family.
Game changer. 😎
They can keep their guilt.
It's your little family and you make your own new traditions for your little clan.
@Christmasguilt