Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

I totally agree with this. Before we had children ourselves, we would alternate between parents. But once we had children, our family was us. Being together as a family on Christmas Day was very much about centring (is that the right word?) our immediate family.

We would think about visiting other members of the family on Boxing Day or other days between then and the New Year

Why do your family trump your husbands? Do your ILs not get annoyed at having to spend every other Christmas with your parents? Appreciate you live far away from your family but surely you can just do Christmas with them on another day?

A terrible day????????
There are different perceptions of 'terrible' days. I can list afew as can many others.
Your mum is being very unreasonable Imo

Can you not develop a system where you coordinate and are with your parents the year he is with his ILs and vice versa? Lots of people I know do that.

Also I am not sure how far away they all are, but we had what I remember as the most exciting Christmases as we got up and had presents at home in pyjamas, into best clothes for lunch at one set of grandparents (all the cousins there, formal lunch, presents from under the tree there, high-energy excitement amongst all cousins!) then on to the other grandparents for the evening, again with cousins, Christmas meal and more presents from those grandparents. I just remember it being busy but so unbelievably exciting - and recall the blast of cold air as I was carried out to the car asleep on more than one occasion! Totally worn out! Yes, it was tiring for the adults but they all pitched in.

Also the first set of grandparents cleared us all out by about 3pm and had a quiet sweet wine and pannettone supper while we had all moved on to the next GPs, who had had much of the day to prepare for the onslaught!

And next year? And the year after that, and the year after that, ad infinitum?

She can't have it her way every year, can she?

Your mum is being ridiculous. We have grown up children who have their own children. Not all of us
live in the same country. They obviously have their own in-laws to consider, plus throw in divorced in laws and, in one case, co-parenting with an ex. We can (and have) accommodate everyone but it would be mad of us to “insist” on this every year. We’ve had two out of the last three Christmases with just the two of us. It’s fine - and a lot cheaper. No massive shops to do, no making up of 5 extra beds, no getting up in the dark with excited littlies and no massive meals to prepare. I wouldn’t dream of making any of them feel bad about what they choose to do at Christmas and neither do we “keep score”. They are
grown ups with their own lives and preferences.

You can't be responsible for keeping everyone happy so put that out of your head now! Your baby has two sets of grandparents and they all want to see you at Christmas so there has to be some compromise. Either alternate Xmas Day and Boxing Day so you see both every year or alternate years if they are too far apart to do this. If they are disappointed, they will have to cope, they are adults! Anyone trying to make you feel bad is out of order. If they live close enough you could pop in and see one set of grandparents for a couple of hours and then go on to the next. Or you could opt to have Christmas at home and see both sets of grandparents on another day. None of these choices are right or wrong, you just need to do what's best for you, DH and your little one.

We have 5 adult sons and I would never make them feel guilty for not coming for Xmas day - I would be happy to see them when they're free and if it ended up just me & DH for Christmas Day, we'd please ourselves and have a lovely lazy day. Actually after many years of hosting and cooking a huge Christmas dinner, it would be quite nice to laze around in pj's drinking bucks fizz and eating M&S picky bits!!

I think your Mum needs to be on her big girl pants and accept it. Most couples I know alternate and it’s really unfair and selfish for her to make you feel bad, even if she is upset, she shouldn’t be letting you know!
it’s not like she’s spending Xmas on her own, as she has your DF there.

FFS, it is 1 single day out of 365. Why can so many grown adults cope by themselves for the other 364 but will fall apart for 24hrs just because it is a specific date?

If it is the notion of "family must be together at Christmas" then (unless you are all deeply religious and subscribe to the whole birth of jesus aspect) suggest to your petty guilt-tripping mum that you all have another Christmas on a convenient day. The calendar police won't come and lock you up.

Your mum needs to woman up

If you both have siblings why are the siblings not taking it in turns to go spend with family? That way your parents will never have xmas alone.

DP and I have no kids together. He has an adult daughter. I used to be the one that travelled to see my family as my brother had kids. DP and I never spent Xmas together as he obviously wanted to see his daughter. I had pressure from my family. Nightmare getting off work, often driving 4 hrs late Christmas Eve,

few years ago I decided not to travel. If people wanted to see me they could come to me. We had a great Xmas. Friends, DPs daughter popped round. Just an open house. My parents wanted to spend it with the grandkids.

I decided to stay put. I have an open house for anyone alone. We now meet up as a family in January somewhere between us and rent a cottage. It’s Xmas day 2, but with less pressure. We get to spend time as a family and enjoy it better. Xmas is only a day.

If she is a great mum, she'll understand. She must have been in a similar position when you came along. If she vocalises her upset and makes things bad for you, she's not such a great mum.

Alternative years - best solution if can't share with your siblings. Cousins could get together on boxing day, no?

@Christmasguilt
Now you're a mum yourself, you stay firmly at home with your family and as for your mother she has to realise guilt is not nice at Christmas time
And as your child gets older your plans may or may not change accordingly who can say?
I can only suggest perhaps a "bring something yummy buffet/party" at yours about new years time-ish and you'll see whoever you see there

We have this situation with the nuance that my parents are divorced. Dad spends Christmas with new partner but Mum is by herself. We’ve made the decision that we alternate with my brother and his family so my mum is always with either me or my brother. It makes me sad never to spend Xmas with my brother and for the cousins not to be together but the alternative is that my mum would be alone every other Xmas day which is not acceptable. We do a festive weekend in mid December with my brother and his lot as an alternative. You have to find the option that is least bad for everyone rather than the one that is best for some and bad for others if that makes sense!

All those pandering to grown ups is crazy.

Nobody is responsible for anyone else's happiness at Christmas or indeed anytime because they choose to stay home.

Let people be upset
They are grown up adults
This.. my mum was upset
She is manipulative and needs to cop on that you are a married woman with a child
You can't please every one.
Too bad

Your mum came have it both ways. She’ll either have to be sad that they are alone every other year, or sad that she doesn’t get to see you and your brother at once on Xmas day.

NB: other days are available to all get together though.

With a baby now time to start your family tradition. Yes you probably won’t please everyone but so be it. Maybe stay at home as a 3 on Xmas day then Boxing Day offer an open house if you have room or both sets of parents depending on travel. Unless anyone is particularly religious Christmas Day could be whenever especially with a baby.

op - the phrase 'horrendous guilt' really stands out.

It's completely normal what you describe. You absolutely can alternate and see them every other year - christmas is a single day - presumably your parents can enjoy seeing you at many other times of year?

It's not fair of them to make you feel this bad about it.

Far too much stress is laid on this one day in my view!

Christmas Day doesn’t have to be on Christmas Day. You (or your mum) are making this too much of an issue. You’re all adults. You have lots of people to see. You can’t do it all on one day so just figure out a new routine that works. It honestly doesn’t have to be a thing.

Could you host everyone if you bought one of those collapsible tables from Argos and every family brought a few chairs? Being together at Christmas is special. Would some of your siblings go to in laws? And maybe they would also feel more relaxed if they knew parents weren't alone. I understand how difficult it is to keep everyone happy

Another vote for Boxing Day. We always went to our grandparents for Boxing Day, packed up our new toys and got in the car, the whole extended family came. My grandparents had a quiet Christmas Day then a proper big chaotic family Boxing Day. It was great, like two Christmasses!

She’s being unreasonable. I’ve got adult children and I understand they have other commitments and I can’t make it all about me. This year I’m getting divorced and I would’ve been fine about being on my own if my ex had wanted to spend it with the children. I would’ve celebrated another day with them, either Boxing Day or the weekend before or after Christmas.

One son has a partner whose parents live overseas. I would also have understood if he wanted to spend Christmas with her as she only sees her family a few times a year.

You’re not saying you prefer your partner’s parents it’s just that you have to make it fair to him too. Going to your mother’s every year would be extremely unfair. Why can’t you celebrate with your parents and your brother’s family another day? You could make it a special day with its own traditions every other year.

this. We never had kids and because of DH's job, we travelled most of the time and didn't have a house of our own for the first few years we were married. Once we had our own house, we said to both sides of the family that we had spent so many years with DH working at christmas and not in the UK that our tradition would be to spend christmas on our own in our own house. We visited both sides before christmas or between christmas and new year. It was not received with cries of joy but it soon became what we did and no one expected anything else. Our friends of our age who had kids used to say sadly "oh that sounds lovely but we are expected........so I'd say to them and to anyone really to kindly manage expectations early and not be coerced or guilted into something else.