Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

And it’s clearly alternative issues

Hence the thread

Ah yes sorry

I think your priority needs to be on somehow reducing the expectation you (and your Mum) are placing on the importance of one single day. Can’t you have a Boxing Day second Christmas dinner etc with your parents? Your little one will enjoy it all whatever actual date you do it on!

splitting time between families is entirely normal and if your mum makes you feel that doing it makes Christmas day "terrible" for her that is unreasonable of her, and her problem not yours.

entirely reasonable to want everyone together. not at all reasonable to expect it to happen every year even if you had the space and funds to host everyone.

you know what they say about "I wants"

OP you and your brother could be living somewhere like Australia. Seeing you every other year is a lot more than some mothers get at Christmas. They really aren't hard done by however guilty they try and make you feel.

Utterly self absorbed I agree.
As a grandma, I operate an open house for Xmas and Boxing Day. Sometimes I see everyone one day, sometimes it’s a mix. I’m not the only person in my adult child’s life who matters and making a bloody fuss is only going to drive a wedge in the family over what is supposed to be a happy family occasio
im lucky that everyone lives close enough that we meet up on at least one day but thats a bonus not an expectation. Its one day a year for goodness sake

Your mum needs to get a grip! Family dynamics change when children/grandchildren are born, and the people who guilt trip loved ones about where they spend Christmas are horribly selfish.

You are making this more than it needs to be!

You live near both sets of grandparents so easy to see both on the day..or as there is little travelling involved, easy to do Christmas eve with one set and then boxing day with the other (leaving you at home Christmas day so then no one can be offended).

I don't get your last line I know the Christmas Dinner won’t be the same.
Does it need to be? Who for? You or your parents? It seems very unfair for you to fuss around your parents and not think that your in laws will be ok every year missing out.

You sound like a complete people pleaser. Why is this all about what your mum or brother wants? Why is it so terrible for your parents to spend Christmas together? It's not like one of them is widowed and will be totally alone.

I mean come on, OP. You're an adult. What do you honestly think is an acceptable solution? Why are you moaning and saying 'Christmas dinner won't be the same'? You chose to have a partner and a child. Of course Christmas isn't going to be like when you were a kid.

What happened when you were a child?

I think I'd do Christmas in a 3 year cycle. Year one all of your family and give your DHs parents the option of joining you or having a family Christmas without you but all of his siblings, year 2 all of your DPs family and give your parents the option of joining you or your brother, year 3 I'd be inviting both sets of parents but no-one else!

Nope, sod all that. Christmas Day is our time, nobody comes round and we don’t go anywhere. DH has sadly lost both his parents but even before that we did the same.

This feels like such an overreaction - I'm worndering if there's a back story or history here. I understand feeling torn at Christmas, but the family that you have created is your priority. It sounds like you and your brother feel unusually responsible for your parents happiness. Your parents will have each other, its not like its a single parent left alone on Christmas day.

You can't split yourself in 2 and your parents surely know that DPs parents also want some chances to see their GC at Xmas.

Alternate years is fine and what most families have to do.

It's quite normal to alternate and they have each other. They might (learn to) like it, they can go away or do something more exciting. And you have a sibling.

It's a lot more difficult when you have a lone parent and there are no siblings.

The OP said that as a child, they saw her mum’s parents every Christmas and never saw their dad’s parents.

Shocker!

My DCs are grown up. We probably have Christmas Day all together every 4 or 5 years. They have families, and in-laws, and some of them work on Christmas Day depending on rotas.

I would never dream of guilting them, and I’d never be such an egotist as to expect them every year!

What we do instead is arrange an alternate “Christmas Day”, usually around the 28th-30th, when they do all come round and we celebrate it together. For them, it’ll be their 2nd Christmas Day. For DH and I it will be our only Christmas Day and we’ll do presents and everything on that day. I love it, and it means we can spend the 25th in our pyjamas eating chocolate and cheese and watching telly!

Then your brother should feel guilty for imposing this on you all.

How do you know your paternal grandparents happily did their own thing every year? Chances are they wanted to see you but your mum made the rule to go to her parents. Maybe they just stepped back and kept the peace. Can you not see how that might have played out?

No doubt a Pandora’s box of this mother manipulating @Christmasguilt and slyly getting her way

Who had the chaotic Christmases with kids running around that you were jealous of?

Lovely idea

@Christmasguilt sorry if I'm misinterpreting this, but it really sounds like you were happy for your partner's parents to be "the other family" but (in your own words) now you've had a son, you are panicking about him one day having his own family and you being "the other grandparents"... People are commenting that your mother is being melodramatic or even manipulative, but to be honest it seems like you're two peas in a pod, at least when it comes to Christmas dinner logistics!

Hmm, it makes you wonder! If the baby was a girl, I wonder if the thought process would be different!

OP you need to stop being such a people pleaser and start thinking about what you and your husband want. You want to give your mum her ideal Christmas, you also want to give your brother his ideal Christmas…have you asked your husband what his ideal Christmas is? How about yourself? You need to put yourself and your family unit first and create your own traditions or you will be forever trying to please everyone else and will carry that guilt and anguish for many years to come.