Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

It sounds as though your mum made a big fuss and told you that Christmas Day was terrible without you. She sounds rather manipulative. Did your brother also spend Christmas with his in-laws that year?

Before kids we alternated. Once we had kids we stayed at home and invited parents. My mum is on her own now and always comes. Dh parents came once too, but mil went on and on about how it wasn’t the same because she wasn’t cooking. She cooked a whole Christmas dinner the next day. They haven’t been back since, but are always invited. They often try and make us feel guilty for not going to theirs for dinner, but we don’t. We do however, go and see them in the morning for an hour or so to exchange gifts. Sil always goes for dinner with her family, so they’re not alone. Then we see everyone on Boxing Day at sil house. My mum has Boxing Day alone because she often stays Christmas Eve and Christmas night.

You have to alternate it’s the only fair way.
You just have to have two xmases,one on Xmas day and then either Xmas Eve or Boxing Day. You treat both days the same.

Boxing Day is for seeing cousins in our family. It was the same when me and dh were young too.

My DC’s first Christmas both my mother and MIL made a huge fuss about wanting to see them as it was their first Christmas but we were having our Christmas Day the next day when DSC would be with us so I wasn’t prepared to cook two Christmas meals. It was agreed that we would go to mother in the morning and then go to MIL later in the afternoon. So we wrongly thought that we would be having lunch at mothers and then maybe a cup of tea at MIL’s. We were indeed wrong. We were not offered a meal or a snack at either house.
Lesson learned. We had accommodated their requirements but nobody had thought about ours.
Do what works for you and accommodate everybody else where you can and want to.

I would put it out there to them.

Send them all an email explain what the dilemma is, explain that you want to be fair to everyone but that you also will need time at home with your DS to rest.

See what they suggest.

It really isn’t up to you to sort everybody out. I don’t mean that unkindly and I don’t mean that you’re trying to take over but you should not be having to take all the weight of this on your shoulders. Nor should they be expecting you, even unintentionally, to be the one that sorted it all out for them.

Send them an Excel spreadsheet and ask them to discuss with each other what suits.

Would you be able to book a place big enough for you all to stay in and share the cost. That would be one answer.

Give her the choice.

’mum, we obviously need to split our Christmases between you and in laws now we have a child. I know you want to see us and DB at the same time so the kids can play, so we can either do that every other year and all come to you, but that means the alternate year-you would be home alone, OR we can come to you one year and DB comes the alternative year. Which would you prefer?

Put it all back on her.

She can always invite all of you to hers on a different day over that Xmas week.

Everyone together or Christmas Day one, Boxing Day another. Alternate each year.

So this post is the actual issue, not Christmas plans really. This sounds like emotional blackmail and is really quite manipulative and dysfunctional. No wonder you're tying yourself up in knots if this is the behaviour you're trying to manage. I'd put some thought into this rather than making it all about Christmas, because there are at least 3 or 4 perfectly reasonable solutions to that.

Then alternate with them so nobody is left home alone

Look assuming that your parents are in reasonable health they should be perfectly capable of finding something to do at Christmas that doesn't rely on their adult children being there every year. When you have kids it's with the hope that they will grow up one day and make a life of their own. Don't let your parents guilt trip you like this.

As someone who has always worked shifts, my dad did too, & my daughter…you can have Christmas Day on whatever day you choose. My parents live a couple of hours drive away. When we lived near them we alternated having them one year & in laws another year. DH is an only child so his parents were inevitably on their own one year. When we moved away we had Christmas Day just us & DC, & had parents to stay a couple of days each between Christmas & new year. They’re all older now so less able to travel. We always see them but have Christmas itself with our one grown up DC on whatever day we’re all off work. It’s very easy to get into a rut you can’t get out of!

Can you and your brother both go to your parents on Boxing Day?

What is the distance between the families?
We always end up seeing my parents at Christmas as they live closest to us. If we go to the in-laws it becomes a mini break and not something I want to do on the main days, so if we do see them it is usually after.
Is there any compromise on one side of the family being more willing to do something for new year?

Dps and PIL came to us once DS was old enough to not want to leave his presents. I am happy to host.

OP, I know you’ve said your mum is lovely but it’s pretty shit of her to have guilt tripped you about a Christmas 2 years ago to the extent you are worrying about upsetting her now you have your own family. Look at your future for example. Are you expecting your kids to grow up and have every Christmas with you until the end of time? Of course not. Your mum is being unreasonable and will be absolutely fine with a Christmas on their own for a change.

We’ve alternated from the first year we were together and it works. We just go to the other family either the weekend before or on Boxing Day/27th.

I’m sorry but your mum needs to get over it - she isn’t alone, she’s with your dad. You’ll get your family Christmas just not on the 25th. It’s on her and your dad to find an alternative plan - go out for lunch/have a night away/have a nice day just the 2 of them.

Put your foot down on the guilt tripping now or it will never stop.

Your mum is being outrageous having any expectations at all of her children-in-law (via her children). It’s deeply manipulative. Does she truly expect your DH and her DIL to spend every one of their Christmases with her? What about their own parents? Or does she expect them to not spend Christmas with you/your DB?

Just think about it for a second and you’ll see what’s going on. I mean, maybe she’s fine in reality and this is all in your head, but from what you’ve said it sounds like she’s making you feel guilt.

What’s the distance?
I think alternating is perfectly fair and reasonable. It’s up to your mum to get over this as the guilt for you is unfair.

We had the same dilemma as you OP and we decided to do alternate but we include Christmas Eve so one year we spend Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day morning with one set of grandparents and then go to the other for Christmas Day and then alternate the next year so everyone gets to see us and DC on Christmas Day. Exhausting but keeps the peace!!