Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

But the parents want to not be alone AND want the OP’s family and her brother’s family to be there together.

It’s perfectly reasonable for older parents to want to see all their adult dc at the same time every so often but it’s not reasonable to be all heartbroken and gutted if it’s not on Christmas Day. If your mum wants to see you and your brother plus your families then she should either invite you over to hers or take you all out at some point between approx December 18th and January 3rd. Your mum and Dad have each other - nobody is alone. There is no reason why young parents have to pander to other adults every Christmas.

Omg this! If you can’t host everyone (which would be the ideal once you’ve had kids isn’t it, could your brother etc come in the evening maybe?) then alternate is the only fair way - and explain this to your mum and the rationale - isn’t it lovely her own son comes alternate years? That’s your Hail Mary there!

I understand that nuclear family time desire.

I think there is an issue these days that actually we don't spend enough time as nuclear families. I think parents work longer hours, both parents tend to work, children seem to be pressed into more activities, have more homework etc. Also, even when families are all home, they don't sit round the fire (one room heated!) reading aloud, or doing a jigsaw puzzle and interacting; they tend to be on devices - often in different rooms.

And I think as a society we are a bit starved on that front, so that occasions that once would have been to embrace a wider family connection and celebrate more broadly than just a nuclear family huddle are now eschewed in favour of just catching your breath as a nuclear family when we get the chance to live as most families lived weekly at one point.

I think it is actually quite a sobering statement of how little quality time people feel they really get to spend as a nuclear family.

They will have to compromise somewhere 😬 can you imagine telling your childs beloved that their parents don't matter? OP needs to be firm with her Mother and tell her to stop bloody crying for a start.

I would support your brother here.

’Mum, DB really wants to have big family Christmas with the cousins together. I like that idea, but DH wants to spend Xmas wth his family too. Would you rather have both me and DB together every other year, or we alternate so you’ll always have one of us. You decide’

Then it’s her choice.

But there are two opportunities for a meal that day.

If you live close, I really think this is the answer. Yes, you have to be a little smart about getting out the door, but it normally isn't a struggle to get children up on Christmas Day! Really not a struggle! 🙄

And then Christmas Eve and Boxing Day can be about chilling...

I wonder if they were genuinely happy about it, or if they just accepted it without making people feel guilty.

When our children were small we altermated each year between, :- Christmas ours (both sets of parents), Christmas at my parents and Christmas at in-laws.
The years we were at one of our parents the other set came down Christmas morning for a while so they could see the children. Those years we either went to the other set of parents or they came to us for boxing day.

Now out of Christmas, boxing, new year and 2nd. We host 2 of the days (one each set of parents) and the other 2 days each set of parents hosts.

We see one family Christmas day and the other boxing day. We have a child and it suits both sides. Maybe something like that could be considered?

@Christmasguilt "I just know my mum was so upset not to see us 2 years ago and I feel awful for making Christmas Day such a terrible day for her."

Kindly, your mother needs to get a grip. Why on earth would it be a terrible day. I presume she isn't a lonely old widow? And you say that your brother has kids (or a child), so if he alternated years with you then she would get to see some of her grandchildren. I think the concept of "terrible" is being taken to the extreme here.

If you live close to both sets of grandparents then I don’t understand what the dilemma is as surely you can see everyone on the day. We don’t live close by so have to alternate and then visit the other set at some other time over the Xmas period. Why can’t you just alternate who you have the xmas lunch with and visit the other set before or after.

When we had our first DC, we stayed at home and had Christmas on our own. I didn't want to get into alternating the day with our parents. As they got older, DC wanted to play with their toys.

Christmas is a season, not a day. Your parents aren't alone, they are together.

I’d suggest doing your own family Christmas, and then have a big get together at your mum’s with your brother’s family on Boxing Day. Make it a big tradition that the cousins look forward to every year.

Your partner’s family don’t sound quite as worried about it, but I do understand you wanting your son to see them as important too, so maybe you go round there for a buffet in the evening on Christmas Eve or even Christmas Day if you think it wouldn’t upset the apple cart too much.

Sounds quite selfish and manipulative of her.

Just see them on boxing day or something - I don't understand this obsession with having to have the "actual day" - it's meaningless! We always do my family on BD, my mum and dad actually bloody love a Christmas day just them! They do exactly what they want without having to work it around children and then we all have a lovely day the next day.

It's totally unrealistic for anyone to assume that things will never change as your lives do - you set your own family traditions now you have children!

I hope you don’t guilt trip your children when they are adult in the way she does to you.

Sadly though, because you don’t seem to appreciate how manipulative your mother is being, i suspect you won’t break the cycle with your own @Christmasguilt .

• *My brother is the one that’s really keen for us have 1 big Xmas celebration every other year instead of me spending it with my parents one year, and then him being with them the next. Growing up we didn’t have any cousins and we always felt very jealous of the chaotic family Christmas days with loads of kids running round and that’s what he wants to try and create for his children*

and yet he’s accepted an invitation to spend Christmas with his in-laws. Are you sure he’s so very keen?

Surely your parents can be invited for X o'clock for Christmas Dinner at your house? You need to stay put and create your own Christmas Day for your child. Grandparents only 10 mins away so can arrive in time for the dinner - maybe ask them to bring a couple of key items?

It's not easy, we alternate between the in laws and my parents, they live far away from each other. But whenever we are with the in laws at Christmas then we always go to my dad's for a few days at some point over the Christmas period and have a delayed Christmas with him and my brothers family., and vice versa. We also make traditions just the four of us in the weeks leading up to Christmas. It's impossible to please everyone and expectations are often high, also for the mum's, but I try to keep in mind that whilst christmas day is just one day, there is the whole period to enjoy, and it's not only the 25th that counts. I try to put less pressure on that single day. My step mum has Alzheimer's and my dad always reminds me that the actual dates aren't really that important ❤️

When DS2 was born he was exactly a week old on Christmas day. DS1 was 3 and trying to figure this exact predicament out had myle crying 5 days postpartum on Christmas eve eve bc i didn't want to go anywhere DH said that's it, we're staying home from now on. My dad told me a road flows in both directions meaning it shouldn't always be us going to them. Neither my mum or dad minded and DH mum either came to us or her sisters. My grandma came to us or her sisters. It felt like a huge weight was lifted and taken off me.

He wants to do it every OTHER year, which is what he’s doing!?

I am going to take issue with "fair" Its up to the Op and her husband to decide what THEY want to do.