Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

Totally agree

Apologies, I got the wrong end of the stick. Genuine apologies.

It sounds like you’ve had a lot of hard choices to make in your life. Don’t beat yourself up for asking for help. Don’t change your mind either - your instinct said stay, so get him to stay. After a life of being strong, it’s okay to need help. It doesn’t matter what others here say. When my grandmother dies, I’ll be at my mum’s side, despite the fact she was abusive to my mum. So what if the dead person was problematic? He ought to wait for you to say boo, and some part of you said I need you, so believe it. It might be the part that knows when the dust settles you’re going to need a hand. Be prepared to take that hand. Yes, he shouldn’t have needed to be told, but it’s a complicated situation to read, and he’s doing the right thing now. Don’t push that away, you’ll only end up with both of you feeling like you did wrong. Wishing you all sympathies.

Jesus fucking Christ. What a horrible post.

Oh, and just so you know, it was your words there that provoked this response, as well as your action in posting it on the thread of a grieving woman.

Stop turning this into a battle of the sexes thing.

I'd have been furious had my DH taken control of things when my father died. I'd have found your DH's actions infuriatingly presumptuous. My DH took a back seat and just supported me in whatever I needed him to do and however I needed him to be.

Likewise when his dad died, I just managed our family stuff to free him to be with his mum and sister and do what had to be done.

He's done nothing wrong. He asked first which was thoughtful of him.

I’d be happy for him to get away for a bit, but you clearly feel differently.

My mother died a couple of months ago and we had a complicated relationship too so you have my condolences and also, I feel you.

I disagree with the majority in that I don’t think you are unreasonable and suspect a majority have not experienced complex grief and have NO IDEA. I had a grief counselling appointment today and they described complex grief as very complicated to work through. It made me feel validated and also, acknowledged the heaviness that is carried as a person with a non-typical relationship with their mother. People are much more comfortable in allowing people to have typical grief which is shit.

When you are grieving you do not need to be asked to make decisions for a spouse who was a grown-up and should know what to do.

What an awful and cold response. I can’t believe how little empathy and compassion people can have.

But everyone’s different. Some need support, some would rather be alone. He was being considerate by asking.

Ok, fair enough, you are right. I was riled and thinking of the days following my mother’s death and how difficult it would have been to manage my life (kids, dogs, work, funeral arrangements etc.) and then being asked this by my husband as if I were his mum but I understand all relationships are different.

However, the OP is hurt and that hurt is valid, especially in the early days following the death of a parent.

I should have been more clear, he's obviously in the wrong to those of us with an ounce of compassion.

He wasn't being thoughtful towards his wife, only himself.

He lacks sensitivity and compassion.

But she wasn’t. She was asked what she wanted.

Being asked what she wants is literally her having to make a decision about what she wants. Come on now!

I think your DH was wrong to ask, as it was clear that what he wanted to do was to go away and that, in order to get support, you would have to stop him.

I have a complicated relationship with my DM. If she died, there is no way DH would move from my side unless I explicitly told him to. He would want to be close by, he wouldn't want to go away because he would be too worried. Vice versa is also true.

I think because of the complicated relationship between yourself and your mother, makes him asking seems the sensible thing to do.

If you were closer and he asked I’d be saying he was unreasonable but as it stands, I understand why he asked.

You absolutely don’t need to feel guilty for saying no to him going, and you needing him home.

Everybody deals with grief differently- there is no right or wrong in this. For both my parents death I took a day off for the funeral and that was it- I needed to keep busy and process in my own time- some people need to do it differently Your dh has not done anything wrong . Grief makes us angry and I think you are directing those feeling onto him- I get that- because they have no where else to go- but be aware.

I went abroad for a week on pre-planned break with our eldest DD just over a week after my father in law died. DH was fine with it - I just called back more often than I would have done ordinarily to see if he was ok with making the arrangements for the funeral etc. He didnt mind & I wouldnt have minded if it was the other way around either. Everyone is different & I dont think he's out of order for asking you if you were ok with it.

I'm so sorry for your loss💐

You're grieving so be kind to yourself ❤️

We're all wired differently...after DH's Mum passed he back at work after a few days and didn't want me to change anything. When my DF passed my grief was inconsolable and I needed time, didn't go to work (zero hours contracts) for several weeks and was in deep grief for a long time, still am.

However, I'm the sort of person who needs some alone time so would be happy for him to go away. We're not affected the same way with own DPs as in laws.

Big hugs for you, taking time for yourself can help too. Xx