Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

You're grieving. It throws all your emotions and judgement out of line. You're focussing on this thing with your husband, but really this is all about your grief.

Normally, I don't think you'd think it was a big deal that he asked. You were right to say no, because you're not ok. But all that isn't a big deal.

I suggest you go and ask him for a hug. And forget all about the weekend away business.

@Rememberdragons just checking in and hoping the deathmin isn’t overwhelming you. I feel like I’ve filled in a thousand forms this week. Feel free to dm if you need solidarity.

I am sorry for your pain, it is a tough journey through grief when the relationship between you was fraught for a long time.
Everyone grieves differently. I preferred being alone when I went through it.
He is not going now. Let it go. Don’t hold it against him.

I’m not correcting your life experience. You equated looking after someone with fussing over them which isn’t the same thing.

I agree.. I think OP's annoyance is more that he made her make the decision whether he goes or stays.. so she feels she's been put in the situation of denying him a treat, which makes her feel guilty.

He should have just said I'm staying instead of asking for permission. But its very hard for people close to us to always know the right thing to say at a time like this.

Having said that OP, it's a very difficult time and I think its grief that's making you focus on this small detail. Try to forgive both yourself and him, its early days and a lot to deal with all at once.

So sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. It must have been hard for it to happen so suddenly

Very surprised at the voting on this thread!
YANBU OP.

Im so sorry for your loss. Sometimes I think the death of someone you had a difficult relationship with can feel more upsetting than the death of someone you have a good relationship with.
I don’t think your husband did anything wrong either. As much as some people wouldn’t like to be left alone other people would appreciate it. I suspect if it was me I’d want to go away with him. Everyone’s different. Staying home would be the last thing I’d want to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I do think you were being a bit unreasonable to be mad at him for asking, however I know what a massive shock to the system it is to lose a parent, so totally understand how easy it is to over react during the initial stage of grief.

One thing I would say though, is if you are offered grief counselling, please give it serious consideration, as it sounds like there may be some very complex things that have gone on in the past, and while it sounds like you were close to your Mum during the latter part of her life, you may find that her loss triggers all sorts of feelings that you weren't expecting.

You sound a bit brain dead yourself.

I presume you have read the rest of the thread. Many posters are reporting that what might feel obvious and logical to you doesn't feel obvious and logical to them.

We all process grief differently. We all have different relationships with our parents - and our partners. It's fine for the husband to ask what his wife would like him to do.

My opinion is he shouldnt have evem asked. Its way too soon and to ask means he wants to ho regardless of the BS that goes with it. OK you hadnt 'seen' much of each other but you were close. I would be hurt.

Well thanks for correcting my life experience.

When is the funeral? Do you need DH to help with planning and supporting you with this? Otherwise, I think fine to let him go and do his hobby.

You're grieving so be kind to yourself ❤️

We're all wired differently...after DH's Mum passed he back at work after a few days and didn't want me to change anything. When my DF passed my grief was inconsolable and I needed time, didn't go to work (zero hours contracts) for several weeks and was in deep grief for a long time, still am.

However, I'm the sort of person who needs some alone time so would be happy for him to go away. We're not affected the same way with own DPs as in laws.

Big hugs for you, taking time for yourself can help too. Xx

I'm so sorry for your loss💐

I went abroad for a week on pre-planned break with our eldest DD just over a week after my father in law died. DH was fine with it - I just called back more often than I would have done ordinarily to see if he was ok with making the arrangements for the funeral etc. He didnt mind & I wouldnt have minded if it was the other way around either. Everyone is different & I dont think he's out of order for asking you if you were ok with it.

Everybody deals with grief differently- there is no right or wrong in this. For both my parents death I took a day off for the funeral and that was it- I needed to keep busy and process in my own time- some people need to do it differently Your dh has not done anything wrong . Grief makes us angry and I think you are directing those feeling onto him- I get that- because they have no where else to go- but be aware.

I think because of the complicated relationship between yourself and your mother, makes him asking seems the sensible thing to do.

If you were closer and he asked I’d be saying he was unreasonable but as it stands, I understand why he asked.

You absolutely don’t need to feel guilty for saying no to him going, and you needing him home.

I think your DH was wrong to ask, as it was clear that what he wanted to do was to go away and that, in order to get support, you would have to stop him.

I have a complicated relationship with my DM. If she died, there is no way DH would move from my side unless I explicitly told him to. He would want to be close by, he wouldn't want to go away because he would be too worried. Vice versa is also true.

Being asked what she wants is literally her having to make a decision about what she wants. Come on now!

But she wasn’t. She was asked what she wanted.

He wasn't being thoughtful towards his wife, only himself.

He lacks sensitivity and compassion.

I should have been more clear, he's obviously in the wrong to those of us with an ounce of compassion.

Ok, fair enough, you are right. I was riled and thinking of the days following my mother’s death and how difficult it would have been to manage my life (kids, dogs, work, funeral arrangements etc.) and then being asked this by my husband as if I were his mum but I understand all relationships are different.

However, the OP is hurt and that hurt is valid, especially in the early days following the death of a parent.

But everyone’s different. Some need support, some would rather be alone. He was being considerate by asking.