Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

I think he did everything right. He asked you, you said yes, then you thought about it and decided it's actually no, so he's staying.

Sounds like a healthy relationship in which you are given a chance to express your needs and he respects them. I don't think expecting him to be psychic and know what you want is reasonable though, particularly in such a complex relationship.

I would be happy for my oh to go tbh. I lost someone very close this week and I am looking forward to some me time where I can wallow or watch Netflix in peace

Also life does go on he's been supportive of you. I think yabu

I don’t think he should’ve asked you

You’re not really in a position to think about all the nuances of even being asked

And no matter what the situation you have experienced a loss and I’m sorry for that

Where does it say he’s going for a weekend with his mates?

All the OP has said is that it’s a hobby that is weather dependent.

I have recently lost a parent and would have no problem with my DH having time away so soon after. Life goes on. What would he do if he was at home? I’m asking that genuinely.

The day my parent died I did the school run, went to Brownies. My DH worked. I think it can depend on the circumstances. A sudden awful accident when they have been taken too soon is different to an elderly parent who has been ill for a long time passing away IMO.

These men need to stop “asking for permission” and engaging their own brains. Obviously it’s inappropriate to go away for a hobby just after your Mum has died.

He needed to engage his brain, think “no I need to be there for my wife” and then just say not. Not ask you to make that decision for him and be the bad guy.

This

He absolutely is not wrong for asking, on the proviso that he accepts what you tell him you need from him with no fuss.. which is exactly what has happened.

When my mum and later, my dad died I'd have been glad for the peace and quiet for a few days, but everyone is different, DH being gone for two days would have absolutely no difference to my grieving process, in fact I would have felt better knowing he wasn't putting his life on hold for me.

Plus, it is supposed to be a lovely weekend, which is probably why he asked, even though the timing isn't great, as after mid September the weather usually nosedives and that is it for the rest of the year.

Yes a hobby with either mates and/or acquaintances. He won’t be alone will he, and it’s a social trip.

Is that all you took from this? What’s your point exactly?

She hasn't said he's going with mates, he could be, but it sounds like a fishing trip to be honest, some people go alone, some people go as a group.

The point is you're making out he's dumping OP to go out on a jolly with his mates with zero thought, when actually he seems to have been planning this hobby trip for weeks, and for all we know may have even put it off while her mum has been ill.

IMO life goes on, I've lost both parents, and I'm very pragmatic about it, people die, the world continues to spin, I'd have been okay with this personally, as being in physical proximity to people isn't the same to me as feeling supported, and I would have felt bad DH missing out on the last good weekend of the year, just to sit around with me while I mope, but everyone is different and that's okay, he's asked and he's more than respected her wishes.

Only YOU really know how you are feeling OP, so he was right to ask IMO.

It would never occur to me to ask him not to go. It is nice that he is staying with you.

I wouldn't have expected him to drop everything he was planning to do, unless the funeral was on the same date. Sounds like he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't regarding the asking though.

Anybody see the recent thread where the husband's mum was dying in hospital and the OP (the wife) had tickets for a concert. The overwhelming response was that she should go to the concert. His Mum etc.
Perhaps men should raise their bar. Although the husband was clear that he wanted his wife to enjoy herself and she should not suffer.

The OP by her own account had a shit relationship with her dm. She did not care - read her post. So if she did not care, why should he care about OP's feelings about the passing of a stranger, to all intents and purposes. I should have phrased it better - I should have said 'Why should the impact of a perfect stranger's passing on her dh be bigger than the impact of a perfect stranger's passing (to all intents and purposes) on the daughter?

If your husband is your only support right now, the only friend you would see over the weekend he plans to go away, I could understand why he now feels you can't be left alone after getting upset about the question.

It does feel stressful when you're grieving and people want you to make decisions for things all the time - especially if you have a funeral or other legal things to arrange - it can feel overwhelming. But him going on a pre-planned trip is not insensitive or inconsiderate.

Maybe this is more to do with the anger that life goes on in spite of your loved one's death. We often want to stay in limbo for a while, and expect the world to do the same. You want to ask everyone to stop their lives. But you know it doesn't work that way.

Where did the OP say she did not care? She said it’s her mum, she loved her and she misses her and she’s grieving, in spite of them having a difficult relationship. I can’t believe how heartless some people are on here!

@Rememberdragonsyou should have a chat with the recent poster who wanted to go to a concert whilst her DHs mother was dying… would help her put some perspective on her “dilemma”

YABVVVVU. He didn’t say he was still going. He said it was up to you, not knowing what you would want. That’s literally the best thing he could’ve done.

It’s strange the ways people will twist situations to find fault.

Trip was in the planning, this weekend seemed suitable for it, he asked if she was ok with him doing it and she said no, he said that’s fine. His intention clearly was to stay home if she needed it, but in order for that to be ascertained, he needed to ask the question. I have no idea whether I’d want my husband to stay or not in that situation but I’d have absolutely no problem with him asking if he was able to take a trip. It sounds like he’s done the right thing. The alternative was, he just didn’t think about going, OP didn’t need him to stay and the opportunity was wasted. What good is that?

If you need his support then I think you should be able to ask him to be around while you're feeling so fragile.

I think maybe just say to him that you really appreciate that he is now staying home. That you wouldn't usually even consider asking him to but it's been really hard to process and it means a lot that he is there for you.

This! I can't believe all the YABU votes. Sorry for your loss OP. 💐

Be kind to yourself OP.

You are grieving, but it's complicated grief because of the history.

I honestly don't think your husband was unreasonable to ask. He had been planning it for a while, but it was weather dependent, so he didn't have complete control over the timing.

I know you didn't say "you can't go" but saying you were annoyed about it kind of equates to the same thing.

I think you could have handled it better, and under other circumstances you probably would have done. So be kind to yourself, and to your DH who sounds a good man from your description. 💐

Firstly so sorry for your loss, it sounds hard and you are bound to be struggling with a mish mash of feelings right now, especially with the difficult history you had with your DM.

Re: your husband, i think its a bit unfair for you to be annoyed at him for "putting you in this position"'. You said he'd been planning a trip for weeks and that your mum passed away unexpectedly. He is not a mind reader though, surely asking is exactly the right thing to do rather than assume either way? You may well have wanted him to give you space, or you may have wanted him close, i don't think there is a "right" answer in this circumstance, only an honest one.

I can relate to why it seems a bit shitty though, because his world is still turning, whereas for you right now, everything has changed. And it's really isolating when you realise its just you whose world has been turned upside down by things whilst even those closest to you are still consumed by their own stuff.

Big hugs x

I didnt know how to vote. You were unreasonable to be annoyed with him for asking, how would he know what you wanted if he didnt ask.

You were completely reasonable to say you wanted him there and that you needed him to stay.

Bit of an odd take, I'm very practical when it comes to death, but someone like your mum suddenly passing away can have a big impact, even if you don't have a close relationship, it sounds like OP was trying to make in roads to having a better relationship with her mum after an extremely troubled past with her being quite abusive from the sounds of it, to suddenly lose that relationship you've worked hard to build can be very hard.

All children want to be loved and accepted by their parents, and often time they never stop hoping that somewhere inside their parent will just welcome them with open arms, to lose that chance at the relationship you've always wanted can be worse than losing the person, at least while they are alive you can still hope.

Calling her a stranger to OP though is just insulting at this point.