Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

Having lost both parents i really don't see the issue. What on earth do you want from him ?

It sounds like he misjudged the situation but is trying to do the right thing for you both. Grief is complicated, everyone reacts differently, and it's impossible to know how you'll feel on any given day, so don't be too hard on yourself or on him.

Im sorry for your loss.
I dont think asking is a bad thing.
You dont know what someone wants, even your spouse, in these situations. You dont even know yourself what you want when you lose a parent.
Before my dad died I would likely have said id want my husband to stay close for comfort and support, but when it happened what I actually wanted was to be left completely alone. I didnt speak to anyone for a couple of days.

I think asking is better than assuming

Sorry, I go by actions, not by words or emotions. Also, far too many children talk about 'abusive' parents when parents were not abusive. And we immediately go 'oh, how awful, abusive mum'. I don't buy it every single time, sorry.

So many of these husbands are so brain dead.

It seems obvious and logical to me that in the immediate aftermath of a parent dying my partner would want emotional support and I would want to be on hand for that. A hobby can wait. Good Lord I do not get it. Well if it was an hour or two maybe I would be fine but the weekend?

Strewth.

My OH wouldn't have even asked, he'd have wanted to be around even it was just to maintain SOME normality and routine for me. No OTT support and even if I didn't need a shoulder to cry on. Just to be there as "normal".

It's not up to you how OP feel though is it, it was me that said potentially abusive after OP said she was sometimes low contact with her mum "due to her actions", the reason I mention it is because complicated parental relationships can be hard to reconcile when they are gone, no more, no less, it wasn't a commentary on what their relationship was in the present.

Saying OP doesn't care about her mum, so shouldn't care she is gone is just a stupid thing to say, when her posts say that she does care, and she for the last couple of years speaking to her at least 3 times a week and VERY obviously has complicated feelings towards their relationship.

I would have wanted my DH to still go on the trip, but can understand why others would feel differently, you seem completely devoid of empathy, or you have a severe comprehension issue.

Supporting her?? I lost my mum recently and I would have been really upset if my DH had asked to go away. Op is grieving, she needs her partner with her.

Exactly this.

When my dm passed it was easier to be on my own with my own thoughts. I went away for a few days, slopped in my pyjamas, drank wine and ugly cried without everyone around. My DDs were preteens so I didn’t want them getting upset, I just wanted the release of grief.
Go get him to book those few days away.
I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

Sorry for your loss OP. Grief is complicated and I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable here. I think particularly in view of the complicated relationship you had with your mum, it’s understandable that your partner would ask you what you wanted. Nobody is a mind reader, and our reactions are all different. You wanted your partner to stay with you, and he has cancelled his arrangements to provide the support you need, and hopefully he was happy to do this. Other people may not have needed this though, some people cope by being busy, in other cases where a loved one has been unwell for a long time, the grieving has already been an ongoing process. You aren’t at all unreasonable for asking him to stay because this is what you needed.

As the saying goes - try to be kind to yourself and not put too much pressure on yourself to be feeling a particular way because you think that’s what you ought to be feeling.

This

I’m sorry you lost your mum too. But it’s important to remember that everyone deals with grief in a way that’s personal to them, and not everyone needs their partner by their side.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's probably anger as a stage of grief. What's he going to do if he stays home? Let him go.

Exactly this.

Saying what’s he going to be doing sat at home is a ridiculous stance to take. By that logic then, whats the point of having your DH there when you give birth? They can’t actually do anything so why bother being there at all. Just crack on and do it alone!

I think YABU because I don’t think it is unreasonable of your DH to ask at all, especially as he was very clear he would stay if you weren’t ok with him going (and it seems he is genuinely agreeable to staying).

everyone deals with grief differently- some people would appreciate the time to themselves. Others, like you, don’t want peace and space but company. There is not a right or wrong, in all honesty. Your husband is not unreasonable to ask, he’s not “putting you” in an unreasonable position and you can’t be angry because someone does not behave exactly as you would- it’s just not reasonable to expect your way to be the only one.

I think you are over-reacting because of grief. It is fine for you to ask your DH to stay, he’s agreed to do so and it does not seem that he’s done so grudgingly. Perhaps stop, take a deep breath and decide what you want him to do. If it’s to stay with you, just be honest and accept his offer to stay.

It wouldn’t bother me. Him being there wouldn’t change anything. I might even like a couple of days to wallow in my grief alone. Old people die, life goes on. It sounds cold hearted but that’s how I see it.

I’d be very upset op, in fact I’d be livid. I’m sorry for your loss.

I agree. He knew it was a shitty move but he put the burden of the decision on the OP, knowing she very well might be upset. A caring partner would not bring it up.

I think OP is right to be annoyed.

I'm really surprised by some of the reactions on here. The DH isn't a mind reader he asked what OP thought and acted accordingly.

My DM died last year. It was distressing but I didn't need DH doing anything for me. I wouldn't have been bothered if he'd gone away because him being there wouldn't have made any difference to my grief. The most important people to me at that point were my siblings.

But OP clearly does. And I was answering the ridiculous question of what he would be doing if he stayed at home.

Bit late now. He will feel bad if he goes and you will feel bad if he stays. I suppose you wanted him to just say he wouldn't be going. He asked because he didn't know what you would want, which is very reasonable.

It’s obv the right weather conditions and as I said he’s been planning it for weeks. And obv hasn’t been the right weather

it’s not like it op can say stay but go next week

it may be another few weeks /month till the right conditions

that’s why I think he should go

I think he’s been really, really selfish and thoughtless. Frankly, if this was my partner I’d be disgusted and I wouldn’t be able to see him in the same way again.
I’m very sorry for your loss x

I think this is the thing for me, it's the correct weather conditions for his hobby, which may be the last weekend in the year to be right for it, in which case I would want him to go.

He isn't choosing to disregard OPs feelings, it's just awkward timing, and in all fairness as shown by the thread, some people would be fine with him going away under the circumstances, so he was right to pose the question.