Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think unless this is just one example of generally problematic behaviour I wouldn’t think too much about it. I personally would prefer to be left alone for a few days so my husband would be right to ask what I think. Obviously depends a lot on your relationship and what your history is.

There was nothing that anyone could have said or done to make me feel any better or worse when I lost my parents so I probably would have been fine with this and appreciated some time to myself, or to see a close friend or something.

Neither of you are being unreasonable at all. It's just a very mixed up time with feelings all mixed up and over the place. 💐

But he asked if it would be ok if he went initially because the weather looked good so his intention was to go ahead if you said it was ok. Personally, I think his intention should’ve been to stay at home and support you, if needed. Then if you didn’t feel you needed support, then you could’ve said no it’s fine, I want you to go

Sorry but I would have absolutely HATED for my DH to do this when my dad died. His death was already out of my control, I would have found it really upsetting for DH to just take everything else out of my control as well without asking.

OP’s DH did exactly the right thing - he asked what she wanted him to do and what she needed. And then he did that.

This. A lot of men are stupid. “If you don’t want me to go I won’t”. The words should not have left his gormless mouth to begin with. The man needs to learn to read the room.

Other posters are arguing that not everyone needs looking after. It’s not about looking after her, the timing is inappropriate. Missing out on one weekend isn’t a huge sacrifice.

I think maybe you are being a little bit unreasonable, but that's OK. It's normal to be a bit unreasonable from time to time after the death of a parent.

I think it was OK for him to ask if you would mind him going. Provided he was genuine about being happy to cancel if you didn't want to go, and he doesn't in any way make you feel bad about it. Some people might not have minded him going, in which case it would be silly for him to cancel.

Please just accept that he has chosen to stay with you and stop questioning it. Be kind to yourself but try to be accepting of him too. If he is a good, genuine guy then he won't have wanted to hurt you.

When you are bereaved, you need what you need and there doesn’t have to be a rational explanation for it. You want your DH to be home because your mum has died. I think it was fine for him to ask, and fine for you to say actually can you stay home. It’s one of those rare times in life where you truly need to be gentle with yourself and others should be gentle with you. Sorry for your loss OP.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but I'm afraid I think you're being unreasonable.

He asked you whether you wanted him to stay. You said 'No', so he planned to go. Then you said that actually you did want him to stay, so he cancelled and is now staying at home with you.

She wasn't his DM. He is not grieving. He had plans, which he has changed to support you. Not all grieving people want company - some want space. It sounds like he was giving you the option.

It's okay to be indecisive - it's a known element of grief to not know what you want - but I think he's behaved entirely appropriately.

‘Looking after’ someone doesn’t have to mean ‘fussing’ over them. It can mean just being there so that they don’t feel lonely. Making sure there’s food in the fridge. Doing the housework, keeping on top of things so that they don’t have to deal with the every day while they’re grieving.

I understand this so much. I felt very unlike myself when my sister died suddenly.

I think it is ok to be discombobulated at a time like this. Be kind to yourself.

And your DH does sound considerate and kind.

Have you looked into grief counselling?

He was fine to ask. You were fine to change your mind and ask him to stay.

We were in the throes of moving house when MIL died. DH had to just get on with it. We couldn’t just opt out of all that was happening.

I don't think you are unreasonable and I also think you should be kind to yourself because in grief our emotions are absolutely all over the place. You may have contradictory as well as very intense feelings. Discombobulated is absolutely the word.

I think it is normal to want to be kept company and looked after by loved ones in moments of grief - even if not everyone would need that and we all have different feelings - maybe even a single one of us would have different needs in different bereavements; there's really no one size fits all when it comes to grief.

It's absolutely OK for him to sacrifice his trip away for you. It would have been more generous and compassionate if he had spontaneously offered rather than put it on you. Never mind. Let him now make that sacrifice, and let yourself accept it. All the best to you.

I don’t think either of you is unreasonable. There’s no harm at this stage of grief in having a little break away or him asking you, and there’s no issue if you don’t fancy it. We’ve recently had a sudden, unexpected and very shocking loss of a child in our family and those affected were due to go away the following weekend, and they continued with their plans to just have some peace and quiet. Wouldn’t have been for everyone but it’s what you need in the moment that’s what matters. Encourage him to still go and say he deserves his break too and you’ll be happy puttering about at home, if that’s how you feel!

I think he INBU asking you, especially if you had a tricky relationship with her and said you’d be estranged if circumstances ‘allowed’- but good you were honest and said you’d prefer he to stay and help support you. If he starts stropping and behaving petulantly, just remind him why you need him there and to check his behaviour (sounds like he won’t).

I do think you are being a little BU being annoyed that you told him to stay. You mention displaced grief, discombobulation, sadness and anger. All normal. All complex. Most spouses would want to support their OH in these circs.

As I also said a few days ago on a different thread, no matter the relationship it cuts different when our mothers die. It just does. So be kind and no expectations of yourself OP. Day by day.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

But not everyone agrees that the timing is inappropriate, isn't that the point?

Many people would be happy for some time alone to grieve after the death of a parent, or to be able to go and stay with other family. Not everyone wants or needs their partner around at a time like this.

I think I would be hurt by him still wanting to go rather than being with me in a time of need because I know that if the roles were reversed I wouldn't even contemplate going.

I'd also be sad that he put the onus on me to make that choice by asking me if it was OK for him to go, because it should be his choice, not mine/yours.

In that situation I would expect a decent partner to make it clear they would cancel and be there for you, BUT if you were happy for them to go and state that after then it can be a mutual decision. If that makes sense?

@Rememberdragons, you might consider to tell him that you are grateful that he cancelled his plans in order to be nearby for you, and that you love him (assuming you do of course), and your feelings are going back and forth all over the place.

It should help him to feel appreciated and to head off any potential resentment that might otherwise develop within him regarding your completely understandable change of heart. So could then make it easier for him to remain supportive.

He didn't need a crystal ball as he already knew his wife's mother had just died.

He was very insensitive and absolutely is in the wrong here.

YANBU.

I had the same fraught relationship with my mother, only she lived with us the past 20 years

She passed very quickly in March , she was diagnosed and dead within 3 weeks - so very quick

Dh has been a tad insensitive at times I feel. But hes lived with me and mum doing constant battle so hes thinking Im more relieved its all over and we can get our lives back, yet Im struggling - a lot more then I ever thought I would

I really can not even express to myself how Im feeling at times, let alone get it through to him. Hes a lovely man really but everything is black and white to him, and I thought it was to me as well . And yet here I am

I wouldn't have been annoyed at the question , my Dh would have to asked for fear or doing wrong for doing right at the moment

I am sorry for your loss, however, I think yabu. My dad died many years ago, so I know what it is to lose a parent. My fil died 2 weeks ago and dh drove to his home country the following day to sort the funeral and get all affairs in order. I couldn’t go with him. Dd was just about to start university, so I was left to move her.

In your situation, having adult children, I would probably like a couple of days alone to process. You would not. We are all different. And it’s ok that you couldn’t immediately vocalise how you’re feeling.

Sounds complicated, he may genuinely be asking you for your opinion as he isn't sure. I guess every relationship is different and context is everything. What's the rest of your marriage like? What's he usually like in gauging your and other people's moods and social norms?

Except he's not 'obviously in the wrong' as a lot of posters on here don't agree that he was in the wrong for asking a question.

Whereas I see that as him wanting to go but didn’t want to look like the arsehole. So he passed the responsibility to the OP to give the OK.

When my abusive father died, I would have murdered my partner if he unilaterally decided I didn't need/want to go to work and arranged for all of us to attend a funeral abroad instead. It's a good job he actually asked what, if anything, I needed from him.