Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

I think it's OK he asked what you wanted (although might have been nicer if he'd said "shall I stay?" rather than "can I go?")

And it's good you were able to communicate that you'd like him to stay, and he is

Try not to be too hard on him, or yourself. Grief is tough

A man asking his wife if he can go on a weekend away with his mates 4 days after her mother died? It is inappropriate by most norms.

It’s not about the wife needing or wanting him around. Asking her if he is ‘allowed’ to go and pushing that responsibility onto her during this time is thoughtless. Because if she did feel strongly that she needed him there she would have been placed in a position of guilt and awkwardness for forbidding him. She doesn’t need to feel like a mother telling in this scenario, it should not have been brought to her attention in the first place, if he had any compassion within him he’d have quietly declined the invite from friends and she’d have been none the wiser.

I think to would have been better if he assumed he wasn't going and let you know he'd cancelled rather than asked if he could go. However he did say he would stay and he is so I wouldn't be too pissed off.

Dh had a lads trip booked a few weeks after my Mum died. It wasn't sudden but she was young and it was all very tragic and awful. He asked if he should go or stay and I said to go. I didn't want to spend time with him and really wanted the quiet of the house, we didn't have kids at the time. I was exhausted, up and down to the hospital for weeks and keeping vigil, constant contact with extended family members etc. I needed space to process and someone minding me asking me if I was OK and what I wanted wasn't really what I wanted.

I don't think he was wrong to suggest it. I don't think you are wrong to say no. I don't think he should resent you for asking him to stay and I don't think you should resent him for asking to go. I think no one is wrong here and I hope you are OK OP with him supporting you.

Sorry for your loss.
I don't think he is being unreasonable.
People grieve differently and as you have had a turbulent relationship with your mum he perhaps isn't sure how it would affect you hence him still thinking and asking about going on his trip.
This last year at work 2 colleagues have experienced the death of a parent. One was signed off work for about a month, the other was in work the next day and very matter of fact about it and how there was no point being home and nothing more they could do.

There's such an obsession with measuring everyone's "bars" on here!

It's such a condescending cliché and a really lazy expression to trot out all the time.

It's also incredibly patronising towards the person you're referring to.

Is it really such a shock to some posters that we're all different and have different opinions on what is and isn't okay?

I don’t think he was wrong to ask but I do completely understand why it’s caused mixed feelings for you. Grief is complex at the best of times but I think it can be even more so when the relationship with the person who has passed was complicated when they were alive.

I’m sorry for your loss, op.

I’m really sorry for your loss OP.

But given that you don’t have any caring responsibilities I think YABU to be cross that he asked. There really isn’t anything he can do by staying, you hadn’t seen her in 18months and it was over a week ago. Kindly, life goes on and no one wants to intrude on someone else’s grief. You need to work through your feelings on your own and he can’t help you with that. Tbh he would probably be glad of the break from the heavy atmosphere at home.

I think Yabu, but it’s ok to be unreasonable as your mum just passed away and the relationship was complex at best. I think the annoyance at him asking stems more from the fact that life goes on rather than anything he did. He didn’t put anything on you other than to express your own wishes which can be super difficult in your situation. So yes you were unreasonable but that’s ok and only natural. It is infinitely better that he checked in on your wishes and did not assume you’d want this or that. Ignore the posters saying men need to just take control and do do do. That’s not what most women want. We want to be asked and listened to, your DH has done that.

You have just lost your mother. Clearly you require the support of your husband at this time, (irrespective of the type of relationship you had with her).
Supporting each other is what marriage is about. I don’t understand the yabu vote.

@Rememberdragons my DF also died last Thursday so I am exactly where you are in terms of timing. Discombobulated is precisely the term I used yesterday- it’s this awful limbo period isn’t it? The initial shock of it has faded but the reality hasn’t sunk in. Just try and give yourself grace - you’ll be all over the place for a bit I suspect - and sleep whenever you can. I can’t get enough at the moment so make sure you’re giving yourself the opportunity to catch up on rest. Sending solidarity.

What can he do if he stays at home? I can't imagine ever asking my husband to change his plans in such a circumstance - even if I'm having a bad time, I can deal with it on my own, and there's no point in both of us being disrupted.

I find it fascinating that you think this is about how much he cared about her mother, and not how much he cares about her? Regardless of whether it’s reasonable for him to go or not, of course it’s not about his relationship with her mother?

If this had happened when we had no children I would prefer DH to go because I'd probably enjoy some solitude. Nowadays I'd need him to stay to look after DS8 who is a mega-ball of energy. We're all different but I would expect DH not to ever EVER put the decision on me and say "I won't go if you want me to stay".

I’ve lost my parents and my DH. I didn’t want anyone fussing around me - I wasn’t ill, I just needed time to grieve.

After my mum died I knew my partner wouldn’t be good with emotional support. It’s just not his strength. I gave him a list of other things to do regarding a side business I run so couldn’t get out of. Basically just the absolutely necessary phone calls and emails.
We don’t live together. I have lots of friends for emotional support so didn’t need that.
What I did need that I didn’t get was someone to sort food for me and my son for a couple of weeks as we were just too upset to be able to do that. So we ate rubbish for several weeks. Even the thought of it now makes me feel gross. So if my partner lost his mum I would want to be around and would go round and sort food for him even if he couldn’t always eat it.

so I think it’s fair enough you want your
husband around. I have 3 siblings and all their partners cooked for them at this time.

Maybe Im just a very food orientated person but that was what I struggled with. Not the funeral arrangements as my mum would want her children to have sorted that. Not partners.

So if he ends up going and you can’t get your head around food then just have cereal or take aways. If he stays I would allocate him that task for a couple of weeks and encourage him to re book his trip for a few weeks time.

I’m sorry for your loss.
Im guessing you are experiencing ‘complicated grief’ because of your complicated relationship with your mother.
I think your husband has done the right thing. He asked you as he probably didn’t know whether you’d need/ want him around or not. He is now saying he will stay because you said you want him to. I think he is being reasonable, you not so much, This is totally understandable in your situation so please don’t beat yourself up over it.
It sounds like he is there for you in whatever way you want him to be and you can’t expect any more than that.

He doesn't have to do anything, he can simply be there for her.

Of course the OP is capable of ‘dealing with it on her own.’ Most of us can cope with all sorts of horrible things on our own if we have to.

That doesn't mean the OP should have to, or that it's unreasonable to expect her DH to prioritise being with her a matter of days after a parent has died.

I think it’s fine to ask after a week or so, but yoire not ready and need him there emotionally, so it’s also fine he stays . Don’t focus on this, no one is in the wrong.

YANBU OP so sorry for your loss. I am just like you say yes to something, that really feels insensitive and then process it later. I'm really glad that he is staying to support you. Even complex relationships bring all sorts of feelings to the surface.

If you had children to look after he probably wouldn’t have wanted to go and leave you having to care for them whist grieving. However, as this is not the case, I can’t see why he wouldn’t go. How is him staying changing the situation for you?

I don't think either of you are in the wrong. Nobody knows what they will need in grief till they are there but having understanding people around is key.
When my PILs were dying and in the aftermath of their deaths what DH needed was for me to run everything else so he could focus on them and then himself.
I have no idea what I will need when the time comes for my own parents. I expect I will want to be by myself but I just don't know.

If DH had called my work after my father died I would have considered divorce.

Which goes to show that there is no general right answer only the specific right answer for the individuals involved.

Ultimately OP if you feel it was an unhelpful question and that he should have known you better than to have even broached the subject then it was the wrong thing for him to do.

He’s been planning this for weeks waiting for the right weather

he asked

no small kids to look after

I don’t see harm in him asking or going

guessing needs to be dryiSh

sorry for your loss 💐