Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

Do you have children with him that require looking after?

Depends really. Everyones different. I’d probably be happy with my dh going away as I’d like time to myself or would spend it with family members.
if I had young dc that needed looking after then I think I’d be annoyed that ge asked.

He shouldn’t even be asking you, he should’ve cancelled so he can be there to support you.

The hobby will always be there and he could’ve cancelled and arranged to go another time. You need him right now for emotional support.

@ForTooLongwhat difference does that make? She needs looking after!

I think you need to be kind to yourself, and if possible to him too. Amateur psychology, but your feelings of resentment towards him seem likely to be nothing to do with his behaviour at all. Of course you are grieving, but he can't fix that, and it doesn't seem unreasonable of him to want to go away, to me.

Honestly it’s complicated I think
what will he do if he stays at home
do you have young kids
is there practical funeral planning stuff to do?
are you functioning etc or do you need him as you’re not coping
That changes it I think
my instinct was he should be at home with you

i think the fact he asked rather than just booking it and going shows he is kind hearted. And that it seems like he didn’t kick up a fuss when you said you’d rather him stay.
sometimes when people are grieving, the other partner doesn’t quite know how they’re feeling so I think he was testing the water

I've voted YANBU as it's understandable that you're hurt, but equally I don't think he's unreasonable to want to go away - maybe he assumes you'll want to be with your family?

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I lost a parent suddenly quite recently, it's difficult.

Perhaps your partner was just trying to gauge what you needed?

I think a mixture of emotions is normal when grieving. Nothing you feel is wrong, it's just where you're at right now.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you to not want him to go. But I don’t think you should be angry at him for asking. It wasn’t unreasonable of him to ask.

Depends on the person. When DH lost his mum the last thing he wanted was me fussing over him and “looking after” him. I went away for a night a couple of weeks after. When he lost his dad he wanted to be with family (me, DC, his sibling and family) but again didn’t want to be looked after.

You yourself said you had a difficult and estranged relationship with your mother - why do you expect your dh to care more for her than you did? From what he saw from your relationship, his lack of concern is normal.

Not everyone wants "looking after", though.

When MIL died two years ago, DH just wanted to carry on as normal - as soon as he heard the news he took the dog for a walk! He went back to work the following day and only had a day off for the funeral. He didn't want to talk about it (and still doesn't, except a quick mention on the anniversary).

I'm sorry for your loss. But, I don't think your DH has done anything wrong by asking. He doesn't have a crystal ball - he asked so he knew what you wanted. You wanted him to stay at home, and he has done so. Unless there's a backstory with your DH he hasn't done anything wronmg here.

Pretty much the first thing I did after my brother rang and told me mother had died, was to tell my husband to go the gym. He had been on the point of leaving when the call came.

His not going wouldn't have brought my mother back and I wanted time on my own to take in the news.

I think you're being extremely unfair on him. I can't believe you're actually stopping him from going. What is he actually going to be doing sat at home?

He’s asked if you minded him going because he probably has no clue how you’ll be feeling due to the up and down of the relationship you had with your mother. You’ve asked him to stay and he is. I don’t think he’s unreasonable to ask when your relationship with her for most of your life wasn’t a close one and even more recently, it’s only been over the phone.

This is how I view it too - when people have spent a lot of their life estranged or low contact with their family then a death makes things much more complex. I think he was completely reasonable to ask and now he is acquiescing with your request. The fact he is doing as you have requested should be enough to stop you being annoyed with him for wanting to go in the first place, but in terms of you feeling responsible for him not going, well you can't have it both ways.

Unless you are obviously in a state of MH crisis I really can’t see any harm in him asking. In the same situation I would have been okay with my dh going. My mum died on a Thursday and I actually started a new job on the Monday after my mum died - I had little choice as I needed the money and couldn’t risk the job being withdrawn. It wasn’t nice but I coped.

People react very differently to loss of a close relative and your dh was not wrong to ask. Please don’t be cross with him

Why are you annoyed he asked, @Rememberdragons? Is it because you wouldn't ask if the situation was reversed and are annoyed he hasn't behaved in the same way?

Honestly, the bar is so low for men. My abusive father died, and the insanely complex feelings were really difficult. My DH, without me asking, called both of our jobs, both schools, arranged travel to another country and took over handling my daughter's birthday party which he arranged the flights around. Then packed all the bags and made sure the children had appropriate funeral clothes. He even bought me new tights when he realised mine had a hole. You need to express that he should take on more but some men are dumb and think unless their wife is in a coma, they are okay to handle everything.

You’re not wrong AT ALL. I think it’s displaced grief/anger, which is totally normal.

You’re probably going to feel all over the place in the next few weeks so try not to worry as it’s all a normal part of the grieving process.

Everyone is different and there’s no right or wrong way to do these things.

Allow yourself to feel upset and if you need your partner to hug you or to give you space, try and tell him. He’s not going to know what you need from him at any given point otherwise, and lean on him if you need to.

But lots of people wouldn't want their partners to do any of that.

Everyone reacts differently to grief and it's really not fair to assume that other people have a "low bar" just because they don't want the same things as you.

So sorry for your loss OP.

As someone who has lost both parents and a husband, I wouldn’t have been annoyed at a genuine question like that.

But we all react differently 🌷

When my abusive family member died I wouldn’t have wanted my husband to do any of that. With complex relationships, things are often not even clear to the bereaved person so even more unclear to others around them. Therefore it’s good to ask. He asked and is now staying.

And my bar is very, very high!