To have called 10 year old a brat

OMG ! I could have written this. My son had the best childhood a child could have had. Yet he reached his early to mid twenties and all of a sudden he had a traumatic and terrible childhood. He’s made it all up but now decides what he says is true. There is nothing I could do - took him to see a joint councillor but he wrapped her around his little finger. Sadly we are no longer in touch because I refuse to admit the lies he tells are true (he’s gaslighting me).

Yep. He's a brat alrighty.

Screenshot these responses. I'm living through this crap now x

I have a therapist friend who assures me it is very important to let your child know if they are being annoying. We are raising these humans to go out amongst the world and hopefully not ruin other peoples' days ...they need to be told when their behaviour is unpleasant and unacceptable. Even the word "brat" if you look it up, was factually correct in this instance.

You don’t need to teach anyone to be grateful, we are grateful for things as and when we just are. What you are actually saying is that it’s okay for an adult to be upset by a child and not only show their emotion but to name call the child due to how they feel, but the child isn’t allowed to feel what they feel? Plus, the child still hasn’t been spoken to, to find out how and why he feels as he does. He’s 10, not an adult at all!

Calling him an ungrateful brat on one occasion is highly unlikely to have a negative impact. It's upset you though, so now you're dealing with their annoying behaviour, and your feelings on top. It's fine to give feedback about how children are impacting on others. Find your own way of doing it that doesn't cause you to feel guilty. The tricky bit is being able to do this when your buttons are being pushed. Are there any parenting role models you could pretend to be in these challenging moments? Hope your holiday goes well and you have some relaxation.

Yeah you just shut him down and didn’t acknowledge his feelings, only your own. Sorry, all you have done here is ‘taught’ him that the world doesn’t revolve around him, but you… All he learnt is that mum doesn’t find my feelings important, better to repress those feelings (not great for anyone, man or woman by the way).

(also, you called him a dick right at the start of your post, you don’t need to talk like that about him to a bunch of strangers).

We should never be dismissive when people are struggling with something - what one person might struggle with another person may not. With a child they are bound to struggle over things that we wouldn’t do. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less of a struggle for them. They need our kindness as they grow and develop, not impatience.

You said your child was hot and tired, that is a good reason why they might have been struggling. You do your best to help them, early night, go somewhere cooler, but sometimes you can’t fix it, but you can be kind. If you are struggling with something in life and someone calls you a name rather than listening to you and empathising, how are you going to feel? What if they then threaten you and say you will have an early night and a rubbish holiday? He’s doing his best, he is still young, he just needs your help.

If it were me (and we all make mistakes) I would say sorry, I was also feeling hot/tired/stressed, I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. Then have a lovely holiday together!

Discussing emotions and feelings is important - and a really important part of growing up. Listening would have worked well here, to understand what was at play.

Sounds like the child was hot and tired, pretty understandable that they got a bit fed up. As an adult it’s important not to jump into feeling offended, it is about the child and how they feel.

I would called mine an arsehat. He got away lightly with being called a brat!!

Not all feelings need to be acknowledged, they are not all valid. Some feelings such as, "I'm so unhappy and unlucky because they put parsley on the chips in France" need to be recognised as wrong. And bratty.

I suspect you will never believe me on this but you're not doing your kids any favours by teaching them otherwise. For what it's worth, my son is NT, a good traveller and a generally easy kid. My niece is autistic and would generally get distressed by parsley on a chip - that's not her being bratty, that is a sign of her struggles. My 10 year old can understand the difference, can you?

As I mentioned earlier I work with teens and my god we have let them down massively by teaching them that every emotion is valid and worthy of a response, that they are being hard done by if they have to 'repress' anything, that all of their worries and fears are actually Anxiety and that they cannot possibly be expected to push pass any of it or learn to recognise when they are being brats.

And if my son has learnt that at the end of a long hot day of travelling mum doesn't find my feelings on the suitability of chips important, best just to keep quiet and eat - well, win! That is a parenting win!!

This is brilliant 😆

This does seem to be an issue nowadays, I remember reading a thread on here of someone complaining that although their mother cared well for them they have now come to the conclusion she was a terrible parent for not appearing to enjoy motherhood enough 🤦🏻‍♀️ and this has now suddenly become a chip on their shoulder?! The posts of people complaining that their parents are not at their beck and call when they have their own children, making their grandchildren the centre of their world and actually dare to have a life of their own, spending ‘their’ inheritance etc. I know people who suffered real abuse and the devastating impact it has had on the rest of the their lives, it’s insulting to compare that to a the upbringing of a child who was basically loved, never put through trauma and cared for adequately. Often seems to coincidentally become an issue when something else in that teenager/adults life isn’t going as they wish, the parent then becomes a scapegoat

Children's behaviour improves massively the second they are away from screens, in my experience. They go around making "art scapes" from pieces of nature, play real games, laugh even.
Screens are deeply, deeply damaging, in my opinion. I include adults in that.
Actually, I'll pop my phone in a drawer now for the rest of the day!

Don’t give it another thought. It does them no harm at all to understand that you can be pushed too far.

Exactly, my parents were the most loving parents ever, never abusive but they would of certainly let us know if they thought we were being rude and we were brought up to realise unjustly hurting the feelings of anyone, adults, dogs, siblings was not acceptable. We felt important and valued and as an adult realised how much effort and sacrifice our parents had actually put into our upbringing but we were certainly not brought up to believe we were automatically more important than the adults or anyone else

Absolutely agree, we went screen free for a few months and our 6 year olds behaviour improved phenomenally. I could take him anywhere, friend’s or restaurants and he’d be happy just exploring their garden, doing an activity book in a restaurant. The meltdowns stopped and the first time I heard him say I’m bored again was ironically just after we’d introduced some limited screen time

Yes so you're hot and tired, so what? Doesnt give you the right to be a brat or a rude little thing. Thats what is important

The rest of the family were hot and tired too.

The more we centre children, the more grandiose and anxious they become. We are destroying children with your way of thinking, its so damaging, they cant manage it and turn inward with anxiety and self harm or turn outward into thugs. I see this at work all the time.

Oh you've said exactly the same as me but better, thank you

Totally agree.

Well, if the cap fits...

That said, not everyone likes holidays or the build up to them. One of mine would never chose to go on one, he tolerates it for my sake (and I am grateful to him for that).

I think brat is tame.

I think you were quite restrained! Ungrateful little sod.