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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

341 replies

jessywxo · 05/08/2026 19:24

We're on holiday at the moment and this happened yesterday before we went down to the pool.

I'm late 20s and I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years and I'm not pretending otherwise. I don't look the same as I did a few years ago and when I met DH and I'm aware my body has changed.

I've sometimes struggled with my confidence because of it, especially when it comes to things like swimwear but I decided before this holiday that I didn't want to spend the whole time worrying about how I looked.

I brought a bikini that I've had for a while that I always loved and felt good in. It's definitely tighter than it used to be, but I didn't think it looked terrible. I felt comfortable in it and I actually looked in the mirror and thought I looked okay, which can be quite rare.

I came out of the bathroom ready to go and I saw DH give me a funny look.
I asked him what was wrong and he said "Nothing", but I said "No, what is it?"
Eventually he said, "I was just surprised you were wearing that bikini."

I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought it looked too tight and that they were digging in on me. He said he wasn't trying to be horrible, but he was only saying it because he'd rather I knew than walked around the pool feeling uncomfortable or looking silly.

I know he probably wasn't trying to hurt me, but it really upset me. I hadn't asked him what he thought. I wasn't standing there asking if the bikini suited me or if it still fitted, I was just ready to go.

Until then I actually felt quite good about myself. After he said it, I felt really self-conscious and ended up changing into a swimsuit because I didn't feel comfortable wearing the bikini anymore.

I spent the rest of the day feeling rubbish, which annoyed me because my weight and how I look is already something that bothers me and I was trying to make an effort to avoid that..

Last night I told him that his comment had upset me. He said he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it because he hadn't said it to be mean or nasty. He said if he was wearing something that didn't fit properly, he'd want me to tell him. I said I would if he asked me, but I wouldn't just look at him and point something out that I knew would surely make him feel bad.

He's very 'black and white' sometimes and his view seems to be that couples should be honest with each other even if its not nice to hear. I think there are some things you don't need to say unless someone actually asks.

For balance and to be fair to him, he is normally a good husband and I don't think he was trying to be mean/cruel. I just don't know if I'm overreacting, or whether he should have kept that thought to himself in the moment

AIBU to be so upset over this?

OP posts:
Mooselander · 05/08/2026 20:41

YABU.

You were the one who pressed him and made him say what he had decided against.

You are the one who has gained the weight and not done anything about it.

He is absolutely not at fault here.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 05/08/2026 20:41

2026letsgo · 05/08/2026 20:03

I don’t buy the whole “ too tight” thing with bikinis. The job of a bikini is just to cover bits that need covering. Digging into fat bits is neither here or there .

Then you are blessed with a very orderly figure.

If a bikini fits me wrong it might look fine in the mirror then my tit might fall out in the pool, or I get a quadroboob as soon as I move around. Bottoms that look fine in the mirror might suddenly crawl up my arse when I walk around properly.

Mirrors aren't always that reliable!

ThreadGuardDog · 05/08/2026 20:45

buffyajp · 05/08/2026 19:47

Rubbish. Good grief no wonder men continue to body shame women when it appears there are plenty of other women ready to enable them. Disgusted at some of the responses here. The op felt comfortable in it and though it looked good so that is the only opinion worth anything.

Show quote history

He wasn’t going to say anything - OP pushed and didn’t like the answer. No one is enabling anything, least of all deliberate body shaming. What - you think just because he’s a man he’s not allowed an opinion ? And if you read the OP, she did actually say the bikini was definitely tighter than it was before the weight gain. I’m not a fan of commenting on anyone’s weight because it’s not helpful and mostly you’re not telling anyone anything they don’t already know. But this is not that.

TheOriginalEmu · 05/08/2026 20:46

Piccly · 05/08/2026 19:55

Hmm. How much leeway is there usually in a bikini?

I used to work with someone who believed she was a size 10 because she could squeeze into 10 clothes. It would have been a kindness if someone had told her the truth.

Show quote history

Why? if she’s happy in those clothes then that’s her business

Youhadrambledonfor18pages · 05/08/2026 20:46

I’m going to assume he’s God’s gift to women, a real Adonis?

lev2002 · 05/08/2026 20:46

I disagree with the majority

No one can see your appearance here. Everyone is making an assumption on what this bikini looked like based on your husband's comments.

If my husband knew I wasn't feeling confident he wouldn't be questioning my appearance at all. I think at the end of the day if you're not feeling good and someone makes a face at you (which I'm sorry but you can 100% control, I've managed to not make faces at people all my life), of course you're not going to be able to relax unless you know why. He shouldn't have made a face and he should have said nothing. I agree with a previous poster, even if it was a little bit tight why should anyone feel they have to adjust themselves because other people can't keep their judgemental thoughts or comments to themselves. If someone around me was wearing a bikini that was a little bit tighter id not notice unless they were literally falling out of it.
Commenting on it is guaranteed to affect how you feel about yourself. Likelihood is no one else would have cared.

ThreadGuardDog · 05/08/2026 20:47

Youhadrambledonfor18pages · 05/08/2026 20:46

I’m going to assume he’s God’s gift to women, a real Adonis?

Why ? OP asked and didn’t like the answer. Are men supposed to lie to keep the peace now ?

MerryQuail · 05/08/2026 20:47

These things sting and best to just try to move forward. I’ve never asked my DH about how something fits I decide for myself. I know pre-DC I put on a stone within a few years while early 30s. I just changed my wardrobe for key outfits I felt I would like to wear such as swimmers and shorts especially. It wasn’t a huge amount of weight. Now after DC and being in my 40s (peri, not as energetic as I used to be etc) it’s a no bikini zone personally for me. I still don’t ask DH , ‘What do you think?’

I decide.

blueshoes · 05/08/2026 20:51

If your confidence is knocked, maybe considering addressing your weight rather than shoot the messenger?

He should have not said anything, if only for a quiet life.

BrentfordForever · 05/08/2026 20:52

Shit comment, he offered zero value apart from upsetting you …. Shit DH

Id love to know what he thought he’d achieve , but he prob has no clue …. You should comment on his lack of Executive function next time

HollyhocksandPeons · 05/08/2026 20:52

I would rather my dh told me I looked iffy in an outfit then thought it and kept it to himself. I am the same with my girlfriends - I would rather they told me, I would be grateful.

ohsosomething · 05/08/2026 20:53

@jessywxo this is a tricky one tbh.

YANU to be upset by the comment as it wasn’t nice to hear that the bikini was too tight for you. No woman wants to look too big for their clothes.

I suppose his honesty though is better than not saying anything and letting you look too big for your clothes in public. Just imagine someone else had pointed it out. You would have been angry that your H hadn’t told you and allowed you to go out like that and embarrass yourself.

I understand unless it’s your mother or a sibling then it’s highly unlikely anyone would have told you, but my point still stands based on an imaginary person telling you.

Does your H mind that you’ve gained a lot of weight over the years?

theneighboureatmysalad · 05/08/2026 20:53

He didn't say anything, you insisting to know, so now you know?

He didn't blurt out anything nasty, but you are ridiculous to pretend he should lie. he's allowed to think that the bikini YOU says is definitively tighter is.. tighter?
You are resenting HIM for your weight gain and it's not fair.

suki1964 · 05/08/2026 20:53

jessywxo · 05/08/2026 20:37

Just to clear up a couple of things, I said that it was tighter than last year, but I didn't think it was too tight and I felt comfortable in it.

I understand he has his opinion but it was as much the way he phrased it, saying he was 'surprised' that I was wearing it, as though it was ridiculous for me to have it on because it was so small.

There's a unwritten rule for a happy life

Never ask a question where you are not going to like the answer

No harm but you knew the bikini was tight

Also no harm, cos Ive been there myself, when looking in a mirror Ive sucked it all in, had the perfect poise and thought - yep

Right now Ive put on weight and my waist bands are feeling the pinch and Im putting clothes on that last month looked lovely - now Im looking like a sack tied in the middle - not pretty, So Im trying to hide it with loose tops, and yep, Im not looking too bad. But fitting last years bikini - not a ruddy mission

You admit you have put weight on, and probably like me you can get away with looking pretty good - clothed, but undies/bikini say a different story

theneighboureatmysalad · 05/08/2026 20:56

2026letsgo · 05/08/2026 20:03

I don’t buy the whole “ too tight” thing with bikinis. The job of a bikini is just to cover bits that need covering. Digging into fat bits is neither here or there .

Just put your kid/ young teenager bikini and come back to us about that one😂

If bikinis have sizes, there's a reason!

shhblackbag · 05/08/2026 21:01

You pushed for an answer. He gave it. YABU to resent him for that. Just tell him you don't want his opinion in the future.

likelysuspect · 05/08/2026 21:03

The ONE person I can value saying 'that doesnt look good' is my partner. Because I know he isnt saying it to be unkind, he is just 'black and white' as you say yours is

Mine doesnt say it enough however. I tell him a lot if something looks rubbish on him, he doesnt always have great taste and would put a dreadful outfit together if I didn step in

I want to be told if something doesnt look good on me

Its probably just a bit too small thats all, a bigger size and it would look fine.

Ive worn things that 'are just a bit tight'. In hindsight they are busting at the seams!!!

OneNewLeader · 05/08/2026 21:03

You’ve probably both learnt a valuable lesson. You, don’t ask, him, don’t tell.

Put it behind you, enjoy the holiday.

Youhadrambledonfor18pages · 05/08/2026 21:04

ThreadGuardDog · 05/08/2026 20:47

Why ? OP asked and didn’t like the answer. Are men supposed to lie to keep the peace now ?

Show quote history

Do you not understand the concept of hypocrisy?

lev2002 · 05/08/2026 21:04

ohsosomething · 05/08/2026 20:53

@jessywxo this is a tricky one tbh.

YANU to be upset by the comment as it wasn’t nice to hear that the bikini was too tight for you. No woman wants to look too big for their clothes.

I suppose his honesty though is better than not saying anything and letting you look too big for your clothes in public. Just imagine someone else had pointed it out. You would have been angry that your H hadn’t told you and allowed you to go out like that and embarrass yourself.

I understand unless it’s your mother or a sibling then it’s highly unlikely anyone would have told you, but my point still stands based on an imaginary person telling you.

Does your H mind that you’ve gained a lot of weight over the years?

But in reality how likely is someone to come up and say, by the way your bikini is too tight? I mean unless this person has not a single flaw (unlikely) you can just fire something straight back at them. How many people are walking around getting so overly concerned about how someone else's swimwear looks? To the extent they have to go up and tell them?

The comment the husband made was entirely about the husband and not the OP.

BrentfordForever · 05/08/2026 21:04

ohsosomething · 05/08/2026 20:53

@jessywxo this is a tricky one tbh.

YANU to be upset by the comment as it wasn’t nice to hear that the bikini was too tight for you. No woman wants to look too big for their clothes.

I suppose his honesty though is better than not saying anything and letting you look too big for your clothes in public. Just imagine someone else had pointed it out. You would have been angry that your H hadn’t told you and allowed you to go out like that and embarrass yourself.

I understand unless it’s your mother or a sibling then it’s highly unlikely anyone would have told you, but my point still stands based on an imaginary person telling you.

Does your H mind that you’ve gained a lot of weight over the years?

What does this mean “someone else might point it out”

point what out?
who someone else? Are we going through a judging panel before going to the pool? Who the hell would point it out ? Are we in LA and OP is the exception ?

likelysuspect · 05/08/2026 21:05

suki1964 · 05/08/2026 20:53

There's a unwritten rule for a happy life

Never ask a question where you are not going to like the answer

No harm but you knew the bikini was tight

Also no harm, cos Ive been there myself, when looking in a mirror Ive sucked it all in, had the perfect poise and thought - yep

Right now Ive put on weight and my waist bands are feeling the pinch and Im putting clothes on that last month looked lovely - now Im looking like a sack tied in the middle - not pretty, So Im trying to hide it with loose tops, and yep, Im not looking too bad. But fitting last years bikini - not a ruddy mission

You admit you have put weight on, and probably like me you can get away with looking pretty good - clothed, but undies/bikini say a different story

Show quote history

Yes its this is itnt. The mirror tricks us. I look ok in the mirror, dare I say, good

Then I catch sight of myself in a shop window or glass door and I do not look good!!!

NameChangeAgain48 · 05/08/2026 21:06

I dont really care about his intentions. I think he was unnecessarily nasty. His comment were hurtful. You know if something is digging in or too small for you. You wore it and felt comfortable and confident. He didn't need to piss in your parade. I have never ever looked at someone and thought they looked silly in there swimwear. Im too busy being self conscious about myself.

I also dont give a shit if he thinks he did anything wrong. He should be sorry that he hurt you and damaged your self esteem.

likelysuspect · 05/08/2026 21:07

OneNewLeader · 05/08/2026 21:03

You’ve probably both learnt a valuable lesson. You, don’t ask, him, don’t tell.

Put it behind you, enjoy the holiday.

Surely the valuable lesson is 'wear things that fit you'?

PleaseDontTreadOnTheDaisies · 05/08/2026 21:07

I don't know whether yabu or yanbu - but in the nicest possible way, sometimes the mirror lies to us.
Ever thought you liked fine in the mirror before going out and then seen the photos and thought yikes. I know I have. When looking at ourselves in the mirror, we pull our stomachs in and tend to stand up straight - then walking around/sitting down/relax a bit, and looks a bit different.
You're aware you've gained weight - there's no shame in that! Happens to the best of us. I would honestly want my OH to tell me the truth.

OR - just go out and be confident in what you want - and sod what you DH says. But it doesn't sound like he said it to upset you.