DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

Exactly this!

It’s not negging, negging would be something more like ‘you look nice in that bikini even though you put on a lot of weight’ or ‘actually you can pull of that bikini surprising well’. So it’s a compliment that makes a person doubt themselves.

It does not sound like negging.

Sounds like negging. I remember one ex did similar when I was 8 1/2 stone (5ft8). Said my belly looked large in a bikini. I had some loose skin from previous weight loss and also have pcos so my weight does fall around my stomach. Never wore one again infront of him.

Another one more recent made a comment of my untoned belly and how I should hit the gym (I’m only 9 1/2 stone now so in no way overweight).

I replied that I’ve had 2 c sections and 3 abdominal surgeries, what was his excuse for being a fat bastard? Dumped promptly.

I think it’s quite unrealistic to think people don’t notice.

I’ll give you an example. We were on holiday earlier this year and there was a woman around the pool wearing a thong bikini. She had an enormous arse covered in cellulite. It was quite the look. I will admit my husband and I raised an eyebrow at each other as she walked by. But I actually saw a woman surreptitiously taking a photo of her arse. So this was undoubtedly going to be whatsapped to her friends so they could all laugh and be nasty.

So, strangers ‘not giving a second glance’ should be the case, but often isn’t.

But strangers wouldn't give her a second glance. Have you ever looked "funny" at someone because of their bikini?

Poor bloke can’t win. No doubt if you’d gone out in it and strangers looked at you funny, you’d be having a go at him because he didn’t tell you.

I’d absolutely expect my husband to tell me straight off I didn’t look good in something, ESPECIALLY swimwear, him not saying something is far worse.

It sounds like he just wanted to help you OP. I wouldn't worry about it and let it ruin your holiday. As long as you feel comfortable and happy wear the bikini.

ok then. I won't bite. have a lovely day!

I’m torn. He didn’t need to say anything, he should have realised the impact of telling his wife she didn’t look nice. It was thoughtless and unkind.

But equally I think some of your response is really a projection of how you feel about yourself. Going from size 10-18 is a big increase and I wonder if you’d feel better to address it. I’m not sure how I’d feel if my partner gained so much weight, I’d try to be supportive but honestly I’d lose the attraction. And maybe feel a little resentful.

Do you think perhaps his comment was a passive aggressive, resentful comment? Does he want you to lose weight?

you are the one complaining he used his words when asked 😂

If people are that prickly with their appearance, they can just wear clothes that fit and lose the weight they are uncomfortable with.

He should keep his fucking face straight then. Passive aggressive facial expressions are just cowardly and honestly really fucking mean. Say what your face is saying with words or keep it in your brain.

This! I’d feel differently if his comment had been unsolicited but it wasn’t. You did ask!

it's all very good to say he should keep his comments to himself, but it's the OP who insisted to know what he thought..

I cannot believe all the women sticking up for a callous twat. Its hard enough being a woman and having all the judgement from the outside world. Your DH of all people should support you. Tell him to keep his unhelpful comments to himself. Better still tell him if he is wearing something you disapprove of OP and tell him exactly why as well. Massive twat!

You wouldn’t be able to see a woman’s vagina since it’s inside her body. If you are going to shame other women due to your own hang-ups, at least be accurate!

This 👆 Also, it’s nonsense that he said it because he “didn’t want you walking around the pool feeling uncomfortable”. You were fine with it until he made the comment that made you feel uncomfortable 🤷‍♀️

No you want to be validated.

You said you felt comfortable and thought you looked fine even thought it felt tighter.

When your OH said he was surprised you picked that outfit and it looked tight after you pushed him for an answer on it. You didn't feel comfortable anymore.

You want validation. Because if you felt confident and comfortable in yourself while the comment may not be pleasant to hear, it would not have stopped you from enjoying the rest of the day and feel uncomfortable about it 🤷‍♀️

🤣 fair point

I dont wish to see another woman's labia majora outline through her clothes.

Its inappropriate and not a pleasant look

I just don’t see he’s anything to apologise for, he only told her her bikini was too small, which it likely was.

the op was upset because she didn’t want to hear it, because she’s sensitive about the weight, this is a her issue, not a him issue, if anyone should apologise it’s her, she badgered him to tell her and then saw her arse when he did, as many people have said, him included, we’d want to know. He’s done nothing wrong so he’s done nothing to apologise for,

its just very difficult, she’s clearly hugely sensitive about her weight, her bmi is 44, a size 18 in a 5 foot 2 person is similar to a 20 on someone a little taller. And as much as she can wear bikinis wearing one which fits is key, if it’s tight, it will dig in, as our flesh is soft.

we have all done similar, those of us who have gained weight in the past, we can sometimes wear clothes simply as we can get them on, like a form of denial, I can’t be that big if I can still get it on, but thay doesn’t mean it’s advisable.

hes done nothing wrong, he was badgered to tell her and when he did, politely, hes had nothing but hassle for it, to the extent he’s even commented how big a deal she’s making of it, which she is.

its absolutely crazy to me anyone would think he needs to apologise for this.

Same shit, different bucket eh?

Either would immediately prompt a normal person to ask for an explanation.

'It's also disappointing that he can't just say sorry about hurting your feelings instead of trying to minimise them.'

That immediately came into my mind also! What is it with so many men that when criticised or informed that something they have said/done was upsetting they always have to go on the defensive/attack by being even more hurtful instead of just apologising?! Grrrr!! 😡

As long as the screen image is small and you don't have your glasses on when you look at the photo.

Why post on AIBU then if you’ve made up your mind already and don’t want to listen to other opinions?