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Being honest, would you be bothered about not seeing your SCs again if you and your partner split tomorrow?

(604 Posts)
FlippidyFlop Fri 23-Oct-20 13:39:44

Would you? I see this on here a lot when step children are being discussed 'you might not see them again if you and DH split tomorrow'

I just don't think I would personally. I get on perfectly well with them but it's just not something that would bother me if me and DH ever split.

OP’s posts: |
sausagedoglove Fri 23-Oct-20 14:00:00

Nope. I like my SDC, and I've been in their life for 7 years, but I wouldn't be too bothered if I never saw them again 🤷🏼‍♀️

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 23-Oct-20 14:03:32

Absolutely I would. DH was really ill last year and in hospital for weeks and I didn’t see them for a couple of months. It was awful. Sober reminder that given their ages and as I don’t have a relationship with their mother or anyone else in DH family if he died or we divorced I’d never see them again. My DD is their half sister and the thought is horrible. They can be pains in the arse like all children but I love them and I’ve known them much longer than half their lives. They’re my daughter’s siblings.

Stantons Fri 23-Oct-20 14:32:30

No not at all

FoxtrotOscarPoppet Fri 23-Oct-20 14:36:52

Personally I wouldn’t be bothered.

I would still probably see them from time to time though as they are my daughter’s half-siblings.

WooMaWang Fri 23-Oct-20 14:41:27

I don’t see this thread going well. But anyway...

If I’m honest, it wouldn’t bother me if I never saw my DSC again. Nor do I think it would bother them in the least. I don’t miss them between contact visits nor am I disappointed if a contact is rescheduled or missed. I generally feel quite detached from them - they’re like a friend’s children who come to stay regularly more than anything else. I’m kind to them. I help DH with them, and facilitate him spending time with him (in ways he does not reciprocate for me). But, I’m not really fussed about them being here.

Maybe I’ll feel differently further down the line. That would be nice, I’d imagine. But I don’t know. I can’t imagine ever feeling like they’re ‘mine’ in any way at all.

If I’m really, really honest (uncomfortably so), there are times when I might be pleased to some degree to never see them again. That is much less about the children themselves though, and more about the complexities of things and DH’s attitude and behaviour around his children being here (and also not being here).

I’m NOT the evil stepmother that I’m sure to be painted on here though. I fully recognise the centrality of his older children in DH’s life and I have no intention of changing that. In fact, I have seriously put myself out in lots of (quite major) ways to ensure that DH can have as much contact with them as he can negotiate with his ex (to the extent of completely giving up my bedroom for about 8 weeks at one point). It’s just that, personally, I don’t feel any great desire to see them.

BUT, I feel less uncomfortable about this because I know that DH would not be upset if he never saw either of my older sons again (or any member of my family). He may even be actively happy about it (not just ambivalently pleased).

It would be sad for DS3 though because they are his half siblings. But he’d never see them if DH were to die. In fact, I would imagine he’d have very little contact with DH’s family who show little interest in DS3, and seem to see the other children as his ‘real’ children. Neither of DH’s siblings have seen DS3 - not even on a video call; MIL has visited once, barely heeded DS3 while delighting in seeing the DSC, and never even asked for a video call - she speaks to the DSC pretty much every single time DH takes them out in the car without us though. So I’m pretty confident I’m right in thinking this.

StarUtopia Fri 23-Oct-20 14:44:07

Wow, I"m quite shocked. How can you have children in your life and then be so throwaway about them?

Would you also not see your dog/cat again if you split up with your husband?

Wow. Just wow.

WooMaWang Fri 23-Oct-20 14:48:19

See. There’ll be lots of this. It’s inevitable on MN.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet Fri 23-Oct-20 14:49:09

@StarUtopia - I’d absolutely get custody of the dog. grin

FlippidyFlop Fri 23-Oct-20 14:49:18

It’s just that, personally, I don’t feel any great desire to see them

This is how I feel. I could take it or leave it personally. I'm not bothered if contact is rearranged or doesn't happen for whatever reason although I'd never discourage it obviously, ever.

I, like you, feel much more detached than I would about my own children, I certainly don't see them as mine in anyway. I don't really see what is wrong with that. They have two very involved parents and don't need me to be a third. We get on well, are friendly etc... But I don't feel like they are my children and as such, it wouldn't really have any affect on me if I no longer saw them.

OP’s posts: |
FlippidyFlop Fri 23-Oct-20 14:49:51

FoxtrotOscarPoppet

*@StarUtopia* - I’d absolutely get custody of the dog. grin

We've joked before that we'd have to set up a contact order for the dog if we ever split 😂

OP’s posts: |
Justbeinghonestreally Fri 23-Oct-20 14:51:03

This thread has made me think.
There are often posts from women who don’t think that they feel the way they should about their husband or partner. They’re often encouraged to end what is a perfectly happy if not Red Hot relationship to find someone they truly love and want to shag 24/7.

But this is what you end up with. Step children. Your children end up being someone’s step children when your ex inevitably meets someone else.

Sorry I know this is slightly off topic but I’d 100% rather stay in my happy if not full of sex, romance and butterflies relationship than have my kids end up as someone else’s step kids. Awful.

feministfemme Fri 23-Oct-20 14:52:20

@Justbeinghonestreally 100%, an important thing to read for people who want to leave relationships that don't have the original infatuation.

Stantons Fri 23-Oct-20 14:52:36

@StarUtopia quite easily, I am with OH in spite of them not because of them. Yes if OH and I split and he took a pet then yes I may not see that pet again. Not that that's the same

Justbeinghonestreally Fri 23-Oct-20 14:52:48

And I just want to say I’m not slating anyone. I understand you can’t just force yourself to love a person who is in your life just because their parent is. I get it.

Sunnydaysstillhere Fri 23-Oct-20 14:54:04

When I threw exh out it was an added bonus I never had to deal with his dc or their dm's ever again!!

FlippidyFlop Fri 23-Oct-20 14:56:50

Hmm I agree in a way Just. However, don't get me wrong and think that in any way I'm cruel or unkind. I'm not. My husband's children are happy kids and we get on well.

My personal feelings about what I'd do or how I'd feel in a hypothetical situation where we split up is sort of irrelevant imo. I'm not telling the children or my husband this obviously.

I don't think loving your step children matters as much as people make it out to, I really don't. Not loving doesn't = hate. So I don't love my step kids? So what? If I'm still nice to them, they are happy and they are made to feel welcome, does it really matter?

OP’s posts: |
WooMaWang Fri 23-Oct-20 14:57:49

FlippidyFlop

*It’s just that, personally, I don’t feel any great desire to see them*

This is how I feel. I could take it or leave it personally. I'm not bothered if contact is rearranged or doesn't happen for whatever reason although I'd never discourage it obviously, ever.

I, like you, feel much more detached than I would about my own children, I certainly don't see them as mine in anyway. I don't really see what is wrong with that. They have two very involved parents and don't need me to be a third. We get on well, are friendly etc... But I don't feel like they are my children and as such, it wouldn't really have any affect on me if I no longer saw them.

Well exactly. And the children don’t really want another adult trying to be a kind-of-parent.

In fact, I’m sure they like it that I mostly just step back and let DH spend time with them when they’re here. They don’t come to see me.

I’m warm and welcoming and I try to make sure they get as much time as DH will give them while they’re here. I actually do a lot to support that - and they’re totally unaware of it. There’s just no sense of attachment, and there doesn’t actually need to be.

Justbeinghonestreally Fri 23-Oct-20 14:59:40

Yes I totally understand.

FinallyHere Fri 23-Oct-20 15:00:05

It must surely depend on lots of things, including their ages when you first met them, the relationship they have with their parent, how close they live, how frequently you see them as well as their and your characters.

so.many.things

Almost as if it might be different for, well, everyone.

Incrediblehulky Fri 23-Oct-20 15:01:09

I wouldn't be desperately bothered either.

"Wow. Just wow"
This kind of "wow" comment really gets on my nerves. What a silly situation to use the word "wow" in.

KylieKoKo Fri 23-Oct-20 15:02:17

Justbeinghonestreally

This thread has made me think.
There are often posts from women who don’t think that they feel the way they should about their husband or partner. They’re often encouraged to end what is a perfectly happy if not Red Hot relationship to find someone they truly love and want to shag 24/7.

But this is what you end up with. Step children. Your children end up being someone’s step children when your ex inevitably meets someone else.

Sorry I know this is slightly off topic but I’d 100% rather stay in my happy if not full of sex, romance and butterflies relationship than have my kids end up as someone else’s step kids. Awful.

@Justbeinghonestreally

The alternative is that your partner meets a woman who loves them as her own and therefore has strong opinions on how they should be raised and oversteps. Which would you prefer?

In my own case I would be sad and would think think of them fondly. However, I would get over it.

Put it this way, if me and DP split up I wouldn't expect my step-kids to come and visit me if I was lonely in my old age. It's kind of the same thing.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet Fri 23-Oct-20 15:02:33

@Justbeinghonestreally I appreciate your point of view.

Each situation is different. I was very young when I met my DH and had no problem with the fact that he had kids. Similar to another poster, over the years though, I have put myself out time and again for DH and his children and numerous times it’s been thrown back in my face so I now feel differently about the situation and have detached somewhat. I’m not an “evil stepmother” at all. I talk to the girls when they’re here and they’re not made to feel unwelcome.

If I split with DH however I would never put myself in the situation of being a stepmother again and when my DD is older I will try to discourage her from getting involved with someone who has kids to save her from similar upset.

FlippidyFlop Fri 23-Oct-20 15:03:49

FinallyHere

It must surely depend on lots of things, including their ages when you first met them, the relationship they have with their parent, how close they live, how frequently you see them as well as their and your characters.

so.many.things

Almost as if it might be different for, well, everyone.

Well I imagine people will think I'm extremely wicked when they hear that they were pretty young when I met them, 5 & just turned 7 and that they spend half the week with us 3 days one week, 4 the next.

So it's definitely not a case of older teenager/adult SC only coming EOW.

I wouldn't say it would be a bonus in my particular situation as I've never experienced any real problems with them or their mum. Just that it's not something I'd really give much thought to if me and DH split. It wouldn't be a case of feeling upset that I wouldn't see them again iyswim.

OP’s posts: |
WooMaWang Fri 23-Oct-20 15:05:07

Sorry I know this is slightly off topic but I’d 100% rather stay in my happy if not full of sex, romance and butterflies relationship than have my kids end up as someone else’s step kids. Awful.

Thing is, its not necessarily awful. Children don’t need every adult in their life to adore them and centre their life around them.

If the DSC are able to come here to spend regular, high quality time with their father (who does love them), what difference does it make that there’s another adult living in that house who is kind to them but doesn’t love them?

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